At a recent headlining spot in New York City, stand-up comic and regular guy, Patton Oswalt letÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s the laughs Ã¢â‚¬â€œ and the spit Ã¢â‚¬â€œ fly
Carolines Ã¢â‚¬â€œ New York City
November 17, 2006
ItÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s 11:05 on Friday night, and the crowd goes wild as a man shorter than the mic stand takes the Carolines stage with a drink in hand. Patton Oswalt is relaxed and confident. His material covers everything from his knowledge of Dungeons and Dragons and KFC meals to current events and Cirque du Soleil.
The only constant throughout OswaltÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s set is his honesty and lack of shameÃ¢â‚¬â€ like when he mentions his disappointment that his wife wants to have a baby: Ã¢â‚¬Å“But we agreed weÃ¢â‚¬â„¢d have an invisible baby and name it Ã¢â‚¬Ëœ10 hours of sleep a night!Ã¢â‚¬â„¢Ã¢â‚¬Â
Oswalt skips segues; his quick pace keeps the audience hanging on every word, no matter how raunchy or down-right random it may be.
Ã¢â‚¬Å“I wanna fuck you hard,Ã¢â‚¬Â he abruptly says, lowering his voice. Ã¢â‚¬Å“I wanna stick my hard cock in your wet pussy.Ã¢â‚¬Â He acknowledges the bluntness. Ã¢â‚¬Å“But G-rated filth is so much creepier,Ã¢â‚¬Â he explains. Ã¢â‚¬Å“IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢m gonna fill your hoo-ha with goof juice!Ã¢â‚¬â„¢ Yeah, go home tonight and say Ã¢â‚¬ËœIÃ¢â‚¬â„¢m gonna fill your hoo-ha with goof juiceÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ when youÃ¢â‚¬â„¢re fucking, and get ready for the wintry freshness of mace.Ã¢â‚¬Â
Next on OswaltÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s to-do list: birthdays and which ones deserve celebrations.
Ã¢â‚¬Å“When youÃ¢â‚¬â„¢re one through nine, you get a birthday because youÃ¢â‚¬â„¢re a little kid,Ã¢â‚¬Â he explains. Ã¢â‚¬Å“After 21, you only get a birthday once for every new set of 10s you enter, until you hit 90. Once you hit 90, every year after, one law no longer applies to you. At 95, you can legally steal anything. Because if you own something and a 95 year old can get it away from you, it was never really yours. At 100, you can legally commit murderÃ¢â‚¬â€ you canÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t use a gun or a knife or poison, but if you can strangle or pummel someone to death with your bare hands, no one can convict you. ThatÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s how we weed out the weak people.Ã¢â‚¬Â The crowd eats it up.
Midway into his set, he asks for another Glenlivet. Ã¢â‚¬Å“Fuck you, liver!Ã¢â‚¬Â Then, mid-joke, he accidentally spits on a man sitting next to the stage and profusely apologizes, losing his train of thought. He tells a Star Trek joke, then returns to apologizing to the man and quickly buys him another Corona.
He interacts with the guy he spit on, and begins his last joke about how to entertain parents/in-laws in Vegas. Ã¢â‚¬Å“Cirque du Soleil is like catnip for old people. ItÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s something a gay French dude sees in his head when heÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s tired and horny. ItÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s wet and gay and French and on fire at the same time.Ã¢â‚¬Â
Though Oswalt could certainly wax political, itÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s his inner underachiever that makes him so endearing. And whether heÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s exploiting societyÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s ills or Star Wars for a laugh, heÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s consistently likeable and funny.
Ã¢â‚¬â€ Jessica Agi