It’s that time of year again, faithful PunchlineMagazine.com readers. It’s time to re-evaluate our lives and make some changes. Or at least type them out in resolution form, show the world and then do nothing to make those promises a reality.
This year, as a nod to all comedians — not just the ones selling out comedy clubs and theaters, but the ones doing it for gas money to get to the next gig — we coerced stand-up comics from across the nation to give us their New Year’s resolutions. So without further exposition, we present to you PunchlineMagazine.com’s Comedian Resolutions ’08.
If I call someone up, try not to say, “Now is not a good time.”
If someone wants to chat with me, I’ll find a better opening than, “It’s cold outside” or “Man, is it hot.” From now on, I will no longer respond to flippant quips about the weather. I’ll step up and find something more interesting to open with.
I resolve not to give away free material to comedy Web sites, because Web traffic and exposure is not a recognized currency.
Truth is, I don’t have any resolutions. I’m not structured, rigid, or brainwashed.
I resolve to stop masturbating in my good socks.
I will try to cut down my negative thoughts about myself to under 25 times a day.
I’ll stop drinking back what I deserve to be paid at comedy clubs — I’ll also write more dick jokes.
I’m going to work harder on having better moral outrage. I realized the other day morality only goes so far. I chewed out my friend the other day because she’s a slut and cheats on her boyfriend. But then I realized I wasn’t mad because she was cheating, I’m just mad she didn’t choose me to cheat on him with.
My resolution for ’08 is to make the world laugh every night, one racist joke at a time. Jews.
This year I’m finally going to quit comedy and just become a pro athlete in Boston.
I will wax regularly. Not myself. Other people. Strangers. On the subway. As a surprise.
My New Year’s resolution is stop bombing, like when you throw a football left handed.
I resolve to up my limit on Netflix. I don’t even get around to my movies as it is, but it would be nice to have more choices.
In 2007, I didn’t do well finishing things I started. So in 2008, I resolve to do a better job of…
I resolve to not worry so much about what other people think. This resolution is cool, right? I mean I put a lot of thought into it…. It seemed cool when I wrote it…. I could do another one.
My New Year’s resolution is to become a famous comic, then quickly fall from grace so I can get on the next season of Dancing With the Stars and win — it could happen. Oh yeah, right, like you’re going to lose 10 lbs.
In 2008, I resolve to get control of my anger. When people make me mad, I resolve to try to consider their point of view and count to 10 before I murder them.
My New Year’s resolution is to define the difference between what my wife says from what she means.
I resolve not to believe everything I read. Because I saw a dog in a cage that had a sign on it that said, “I bite.” And I was like, that is good to know, doggie. But you should make a sign that says, “I make signs.”
A couple of years ago, I made a resolution never to make resolutions again, and so far, so good. Five years and counting — resolution-free.”
In 2008, I, Robert Hawkins, the one that did NOT shoot up a mall, resolve to repair the anonymity associated with this name that I have worked so hard to gain for the past 17 years in show business.
In 2008, I plan to look at much less online porn but to actually masturbate more often.
I resolve to buy an extra-big thesaurus because I am running out of words to describe my hatred of W.
I will visit more museums, galleries and libraries and fewer strip malls, strip clubs and donut shops.
My New Year’s resolution is to master and defeat death…and drink more water.
My resolution is to join a gym and to not get AIDS anymore.
Sell my impractical A-Team tour van. Get amphibious boat-car for tour of Great Lakes region.
I’m going to take Jiu Jitsu and learn to start a fire without a match.
The key to successful New Year’s resolutions is to establish realistic goals and not set yourself up for failure. To that end, in 2008, I resolve to eat too much, not exercise enough, disappoint my loved ones and watch a lot of online porn. And this year, I’m really gonna do it!
I resolve to eat fewer potatoes and work on my abs a little less.
Normally I don’t make resolutions. I say I’m just gonna do better than I did last year. But if I have to choose one, it would be to work on not procrastinating. I’ll work to do what I said I’m gonna do when I say I’m gonna do it.
I resolve to gain a lot of weight so that I can more easily resolve to lose weight in 2009.
I have the same resolution every year: I’m going to write more, complain less about the unfairness of the business and date a really nice normal girl. Then I realize misery is good for comedy. By January 2nd. I’m back to my lazy, bitter, wacko-dating self.
I resolve that when another dude I’m attracted to tells me he’s not gay, I’ll believe him.
This year, an achievable goal: I’m not going to smoke in ’08. Of course, I’ve never smoked.
John Novosad (aka Hippieman)
I never keep my New Year’s resolutions, so for 2008 I’ve adopted a different approach. This new year, I resolve to smoke, drink and eat more. If I stay true to form with past resolutions, I should be tobacco-free, sober and in great shape by February 2008.
I resolve to have enough willpower to leave the mini bar alone and intact forever!
I resolve to install a 007-style ejector seat in the passenger side of my car. This way, on long road-trips, when the comic opening for me wants to do a dry-run of his act thinly masked as conversation, a button can be depressed and he will be catapulted into another dimension of space and time…before my ears start to bleed.
Billy D. Washington
I will go public with the man crush I have on Whoopi Goldberg.
I resolve to start smoking cigarettes and to never eat tofu.
My resolution this year is to support Barack Obama’s campaign as much as I can. Sadly, America is still a divided place with a lot of prejudices and stereotypes. But getting this fine man elected will prove to the world and to ourselves that we are ready for this country to be led by a Hawaiian.
I resolve to meet a nice guy!
My resolution is to not wait till the beginning of each new year to make changes. Every moment is a new opportunity to assess what’s working and what’s not and make changes. I also want to be an Ultimate Fighter. But I’m ticklish, so that might not work out.
My New Year’s resolution is to learn how to dance. I call it my ‘Dance, Dance Resolution'; DDR for short.
I resolve to be more disciplined when it comes to my writing, to get as much stage time as possible, and to finally seal that deal for my HBO hour-long special. I also resolve to grow a second dick.
I gave up my New Year’s resolutions for Lent.
I resolve to hack Dane Cook’s MySpace and steal his 2,000,000 friends!