It’s that time of year again, faithful PunchlineMagazine.com readers. It’s time to re-evaluate our lives and make some changes. Or at least type them out in resolution form, show the world and then do nothing to make those promises a reality.
This year, as a nod to all comedians — not just the ones selling out comedy clubs and theaters, but the ones doing it for gas money to get to the next gig — we coerced stand-up comics from across the nation to give us their New Year’s resolutions. So without further exposition, we present to you PunchlineMagazine.com’s Comedian Resolutions ’08.
Jonathan Katz
jonathankatz.com
If I call someone up, try not to say, “Now is not a good time.”
Pete Correale
myspace.com/petecorreale
If someone wants to chat with me, I’ll find a better opening than, “It’s cold outside” or “Man, is it hot.” From now on, I will no longer respond to flippant quips about the weather. I’ll step up and find something more interesting to open with.
Daniel Tosh
danieltosh.com
I resolve not to give away free material to comedy Web sites, because Web traffic and exposure is not a recognized currency.
Rick Shapiro
myspace.com/rickshapiro
Truth is, I don’t have any resolutions. I’m not structured, rigid, or brainwashed.
Grant Gordon
myspace.com/grantgordon
I resolve to stop masturbating in my good socks.
Jane Condon
janecondon.com
I will not drive with Britney Spears on my lap.
Rob O’Reilly
thecampuscomic.com
I resolve to tie John Mulaney to my radiator and force him to write jokes for me.
Leah Bonnema
myspace.com/leahbonnema
I will try to cut down my negative thoughts about myself to under 25 times a day.
Dustin Chafin
myspace.com/dustinchafin
I’ll stop drinking back what I deserve to be paid at comedy clubs — I’ll also write more dick jokes.
John Poveromo
johnpoveromo.com
I’m going to work harder on having better moral outrage. I realized the other day morality only goes so far. I chewed out my friend the other day because she’s a slut and cheats on her boyfriend. But then I realized I wasn’t mad because she was cheating, I’m just mad she didn’t choose me to cheat on him with.
Brian McGuinness
myspace.com/moganus
My resolution for ’08 is to make the world laugh every night, one racist joke at a time. Jews.
Pat Breslin
myspace.com/patbreslin
This year I’m finally going to quit comedy and just become a pro athlete in Boston.
Sara Benincasa
myspace.com/sarabenincasa
I will wax regularly. Not myself. Other people. Strangers. On the subway. As a surprise.
Lance Weiss
lanceweiss.com
My New Year’s resolution is stop bombing, like when you throw a football left handed.
Pat Dixon
youaretheenemy.com
I resolve to up my limit on Netflix. I don’t even get around to my movies as it is, but it would be nice to have more choices.
Phil Palisoul
philpalisoul.com
In 2007, I didn’t do well finishing things I started. So in 2008, I resolve to do a better job of…
Greg Warren
gregwarrencomedy.com
I resolve to not worry so much about what other people think. This resolution is cool, right? I mean I put a lot of thought into it…. It seemed cool when I wrote it…. I could do another one.
Stephanie McHugh
stephaniemchugh.com
My New Year’s resolution is to become a famous comic, then quickly fall from grace so I can get on the next season of Dancing With the Stars and win — it could happen. Oh yeah, right, like you’re going to lose 10 lbs.
Matt Vogl
myspace.com/milehighscifi
In 2008, I resolve to get control of my anger. When people make me mad, I resolve to try to consider their point of view and count to 10 before I murder them.
Henry Cho
choindustries.com
My New Year’s resolution is to define the difference between what my wife says from what she means.
Doug Benson
myspace.com/doug_benson
I resolve not to believe everything I read. Because I saw a dog in a cage that had a sign on it that said, “I bite.” And I was like, that is good to know, doggie. But you should make a sign that says, “I make signs.”
Ralphie May
ralphiemay.com
A couple of years ago, I made a resolution never to make resolutions again, and so far, so good. Five years and counting — resolution-free.”
Robert Hawkins
myspace.com/roberthawkins
In 2008, I, Robert Hawkins, the one that did NOT shoot up a mall, resolve to repair the anonymity associated with this name that I have worked so hard to gain for the past 17 years in show business.
Pete Dominick
petesbigmouth.com
In 2008, I plan to look at much less online porn but to actually masturbate more often.
Greg Proops
gregproops.com
I resolve to buy an extra-big thesaurus because I am running out of words to describe my hatred of W.
Jen Kober
kobercomedy.com
I will visit more museums, galleries and libraries and fewer strip malls, strip clubs and donut shops.
Maria Bamford
mariabamford.com
My New Year’s resolution is to master and defeat death…and drink more water.
Greg Giraldo
greggiraldo.com
My resolution is to join a gym and to not get AIDS anymore.
Mike Birbiglia
birbigs.com
Sell my impractical A-Team tour van. Get amphibious boat-car for tour of Great Lakes region.
Bill Burr
billburr.com
I’m going to take Jiu Jitsu and learn to start a fire without a match.
Dana Gould
danagould.com
The key to successful New Year’s resolutions is to establish realistic goals and not set yourself up for failure. To that end, in 2008, I resolve to eat too much, not exercise enough, disappoint my loved ones and watch a lot of online porn. And this year, I’m really gonna do it!
Tom Papa
tompapa.com
I resolve to eat fewer potatoes and work on my abs a little less.
Kyle Grooms
kylegrooms.net
Normally I don’t make resolutions. I say I’m just gonna do better than I did last year. But if I have to choose one, it would be to work on not procrastinating. I’ll work to do what I said I’m gonna do when I say I’m gonna do it.
Myq Kaplan
myqkaplan.com
I resolve to gain a lot of weight so that I can more easily resolve to lose weight in 2009.
Lenny Marcus
lennymarcus.com
I have the same resolution every year: I’m going to write more, complain less about the unfairness of the business and date a really nice normal girl. Then I realize misery is good for comedy. By January 2nd. I’m back to my lazy, bitter, wacko-dating self.
Charlie Ballard
myspace.com/funnycharley
I resolve that when another dude I’m attracted to tells me he’s not gay, I’ll believe him.
Andrew Davis
myspace.com/andy_social
I resolve to send a threatening letter to a celebrity.
Earthquake
myspace.com/quakeshouse2
I resolve to stay away from crazy women.
Jeff Caldwell
standupguy.com
This year, an achievable goal: I’m not going to smoke in ’08. Of course, I’ve never smoked.
John Novosad (aka Hippieman)
hippieman.com
I never keep my New Year’s resolutions, so for 2008 I’ve adopted a different approach. This new year, I resolve to smoke, drink and eat more. If I stay true to form with past resolutions, I should be tobacco-free, sober and in great shape by February 2008.
Marla Schultz
myspace.com/marlaschultz
I resolve to have enough willpower to leave the mini bar alone and intact forever!
DC Benny
dcbenny.com
I resolve to install a 007-style ejector seat in the passenger side of my car. This way, on long road-trips, when the comic opening for me wants to do a dry-run of his act thinly masked as conversation, a button can be depressed and he will be catapulted into another dimension of space and time…before my ears start to bleed.
Billy D. Washington
billydwashington.com
I will go public with the man crush I have on Whoopi Goldberg.
Josh Blue
joshblue.com
I resolve to start smoking cigarettes and to never eat tofu.
Greg Fitzsimmons
myspace.com/fitzdog
My resolution this year is to support Barack Obama’s campaign as much as I can. Sadly, America is still a divided place with a lot of prejudices and stereotypes. But getting this fine man elected will prove to the world and to ourselves that we are ready for this country to be led by a Hawaiian.
Vanessa Hollingshead
vanessahollingshead.com
I resolve to meet a nice guy!
Ricardo Aleman
funnymexican.com
My resolution is to not wait till the beginning of each new year to make changes. Every moment is a new opportunity to assess what’s working and what’s not and make changes. I also want to be an Ultimate Fighter. But I’m ticklish, so that might not work out.
Ray Mills
myspace.com/sllimyar
My New Year’s resolution is to learn how to dance. I call it my ‘Dance, Dance Resolution’; DDR for short.
Ed Murray
myspace.com/edmurray
I resolve to be more disciplined when it comes to my writing, to get as much stage time as possible, and to finally seal that deal for my HBO hour-long special. I also resolve to grow a second dick.
Steve Hofstetter
stevehofstetter.com
I gave up my New Year’s resolutions for Lent.
Devon Wild
myspace.com/devonwild
I resolve to hack Dane Cook’s MySpace and steal his 2,000,000 friends!
