Whether you want to admit it to yourself or not, the holiday season is upon us. Halloween has past and it’s time to put your slutty window washer costume away. Sad, we know. What’s sadder, is that you, no doubt, have already started stressing out about dealing with your family around the dinner table at Thanksgiving, Christmas or Hanukkah — or, whatever it is you celebrate — unless, of course, you’re a well-adjusted human. If so, bravo. If not, let us ease your stress and warm your heart with the comedians of Chelsea Lately‘s fondest holiday moments.
As you may know, every night at 11 pm. Handler has been providing a great service for stand-up comedy fans for the last few years, regularly featuring some of the best up and coming acts on her E! chat show. In addition, she’s produced stand-up specials featuring said comics for the network. And now starting Nov. 6, you can catch this rotating cast of comics live as they come to a town near you on the Comedians of Chelsea Lately stand-up comedy tour. Grab your tickets at ticketmaster.com now! Before you enjoy the below comedians’ memories, we bring you, the ringmaster, herself, Chelsea Handler opening up to us about what her favorite holiday is. Enjoy!
And now, the Comedians of Chelsea Lately tell us about their favorite holiday memories:
New Year’s Eve. I went to a party with a co-worker. We had a few drinks. I offered to take her home. She said yes and ultimately I hooked up with her in the laundry room. We were doing laundry— dirty laundry.
My favorite holiday memory is when I got to spend the fourth of July this year as a real US Citizen. I passed my test so when the fourth of July came, I felt like I was really part of something special to celebrate with my other friends that were also US citizens. I also won a hot dog eating contest so it was pretty much the best holiday ever.
My favorite holiday memory is the Christmas that I discovered that you can unwrap presents and then wrap them back and put them under the tree without your parents finding out. I’ve never been one to have much patience and I don’t care about being surprised. I just want to know what I’m getting so that I can start planning what I want to return.
My favorite holiday memory is of Columbus Day 2003. A friend of mine flew in from Kansas City, and my roommate and I gave him a tour of San Francsico, which ended with us getting drunk at a Columbus Day Bazaar at a Catholic Church in North Beach. Also, it was Fleet Week. Also, wine was a dollar a glass. Also, it was Fleet Week. I don’t remember how the day ended, thus, making it the best holiday ever.
The night before Thanksgiving, 1996, I was “detained” by the San Francisco Police Department after wrestling with two officers (long story). In the patrol car to the station, one of the officers lit up a cigar. I told him I was allergic to smoke and insisted he put it out. He responded, ‘The guys in lock-up are going to love you… a little redhead.’ I shut up. At 2 a.m. on Thanksgiving morning, my parents had to pick me up at the station where I had been cuffed to a bench for a couple hours, all the while watching the jailer watch COPS on TV. That year, I was “thankful” for not being put in jail and raped by a guy named Bubba.
My favorite holiday memory is from a Christmas a few years ago, when my 92- year-old grandmother on my mother’s side got drunk. (She has since passed. She died at 98. Calm down. Don’t be sad. She lived a good life.) Drunk for my grandmother means one glass of sparkling wine mixed with her blood pressure medication. She began to get very randy and wanted to talk about sex. She sat on my dad’s lap, and tried to encourage us to play a game of strip poker. At one point I remember her calling me a “wimp” when I said I didn’t want to play.
I love all the holidays. It’s a day off work and food is usually involved.
Easter is my favorite holiday because where I live it is always a nice sunny day and I like wearing a cute fitted spring color dress. I love Easter egg hunts and since I hide the eggs the night before I have an advantage when I race my kids and am always able to win. Unfortunately, I hide the eggs after a few Chardonnays and can’t always find all of them until something smells rank on a hot June day in our backyard. Oh, and Jesus Christ rose from the dead which is way cool.
My favorite holiday memory is a bitter one, but pretty much every memory I have is such– so bear with me. It was Halloween, 1983. At the time, my family lived in Canton, OH. In response to the pervert panic of the early 80s, the city decided to limit “Trick or Treat” to Sunday afternoon from 12 to 5pm. Yeah there’s nothing gayer than going door-to-door in a vampire costume when the fuckin sun is out!!
I was 8 years old and a huge Cleveland Browns fan. My dad and I had tickets to the Browns/Oilers game that afternoon, so I had to make a tough choice– Do I go see the Browns? Or do I panhandle for candy in broad daylight? Go Browns!!
The game didn’t start well for the home team. By the end of the 3rd quarter, my heroes were down 19-10. My dad has never exactly been the most optimistic sports fan and was convinced the game was over. So he insisted we leave the stadium.
On the way home, we then proceeded to listen to the Browns make one of the most dramatic comebacks in years and win the game 25-19. Even at such a young age, I still remember sitting in silence trying to fight the urge to punch my dad in the face. Finally, my guilt-ridden father mustered the courage to say, “Well, you’ll still have time for some trick or treatin’.”
All I could say was, “No, dad, YOU will still have time to do some trick or treatin’! And don’t come back with any apples either!!”
Pretty much every year for Thanksgiving my mom puts the turkey in the oven, seasons it every couple hours and then at 8 pm realizes the oven isn’t on. That never gets old.
My favorite holiday memory happened every Christmas when after all the gifts were opened my father would pretend to make a phone call to Santa Claus telling Santa that he must have made a mistake and delivered too many presents to our house. As my brothers and I sat putting together bicycles, installing 9 volt batteries into hand held video games and eating Whitman’s samplers, my father would be telling Santa to check his list again. Now that I think about I believe my father was just trying teach us to be grateful for what we had. However at the the time all I could think about was how did my father get Santa’s phone number.
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