An open letter to Joel McHale

By | May 7, 2010 at 5:02 pm | 6 comments | Audio/Video, News, Opinion, TV/Movies | Tags: , ,

Joel McHaleHello, lover.

Wait, I’m getting ahead of myself. You’re a laid-back kind of guy. I’ve come on too strong. Let me start again. (And if anyone reading this knows how to get this to Joel, that’d be super awesome. Thanks, guys! Hugs and kisses!)

Hi, Joel! You are so funny. You’re tops on The Soup—SO hilarious—and really great on Community, too. So, ok, I haven’t watched Community that much, but I did tune in the other night. It was the episode where you guys are all playing paintball? You know, that one? It was really good. And you were reallllllllly good. (Did I say that already? Sorry. You make me so nervous!) I tried to go see you do stand-up last month but my mom was being a total bitch and wouldn’t let me have her car. LOL. Anyway, um, I wanted to get in touch just to say what a big fan I am, and what a super-great actor you are, and so so so hysterical. (I’m not just saying that!) But also, um, also–you are fucking hot, Joel.

I don’t know why I didn’t realize it before. Maybe it’s because I am first and foremost attracted to your wit. I get you. All your hilarious bon mots on the E! entertainment network, all that lovably adorable ribbing of tweaked-out reality stars and celebutards (aren’t they the WORST? LMAO!) And while I will always appreciate you first and foremost for your brain, it bears repeating: You are fucking hot.

Whose idea was it to put you in a pair of boxer-briefs? Good job, wardrobe department! I would have never guessed you worked out so much! You are soooooo complicated. But I like that about you. You keep me on my toes. You’re, like, a total brain, but your body is a temple.

Be my shul, Joel. Let me worship you.

I have never written a letter like this in my life! But something happened in my body when I watched you running around the hallowed halls of Greendale half-naked with a semiautomatic weapon. I felt things. In my body. Because of your body. Suddenly you were a MAN. (Not that you weren’t a man before! OMG, how embarrassing!)

Did the guys at The Soup make fun of you for showing off your physique so gratuitously? I bet they did—they seem like such jokesters! Let me tell you, Joel, they are just jealous. OMG, in that scene when you’re lying on the table all greasy-like while Brita’s patching you up? Why wouldn’t they be jealous?

(PS—I would love to come visit you on the set—it looks so fun there! LOL.)

I know you’re married, Joel, so I should go, but let me just say this: I hope your wife appreciates you. Because you deserve that, Joel. You deserve someone who appreciates how multifaceted and brillz you are, and also appreciates that fine, fine ass.

Talk 2 u l8er,
Carla
xoxo

About the Author

Carla Sosenko

Carla Sosenko is a writer and editor from Brooklyn, N.Y. Her work has appeared in Marie Claire, Self, Jezebel, The Hairpin, The NY International Fringe Festival and some other places. She received her MFA in creative writing from Emerson College, where she majored in choppy sentences. Carla thanks you for reading her words and kindly asks you to read more of them at carlasosenko.com. Follow her @carlasosenko. She thinks you rule.

  • MAZ

    Joel is sssssoo hot! And I have met him 3 times (not that he would remember me) He was the MC at the Playboy Comedy Club twice at the Palms in Vegas and I saw his stand up show (sadly he is better with a teleprompter) But Community is HILARIOUS!

  • http://www.yourcommunitycollege.com Mildred

    God Joel is soooooooo yummy, kinda cute, but I think a 49 year old hague like me needs a break from Hawthorne !

  • http://www.PlanetoftheApes carrie

    That’s a good one, you know, my friends did not make it to the Chicago show as planned, i think as long as the Soup is on everyone is like how cute he is, then he gets nakked and here we go, but I think th Rainbow Bright thing was really what made me realize- Joel is a cut up! So, we just have to keep wacthin Community and maybe get another look at those six pack abs, then wonder if he is really acting with his co star or if she has the hots for him like Carla, besides he is married and has kids, but it’s like I think he likes the Kardashian’s…..

  • J.D. Francis

    Dear Carla,

    I am concerned about you. Your frantic, manic prose reads as if it were written by someone doing the job of three people. Am I right? You need to relax, girl, with a Snuggie, a bottle of Prosecco, and maybe some less hot Joel: say his tour de force portrayal of bank manager Greg Welch in “CSI: Miami” in 2005 or his triumph as Richard Fielding in a “very special episode” of “Diagnosis Murder” in 2000. Start small, then when you feel ready, check out the first season of “Community.” It should be out on DVD by that time. If you feel up to it, maybe you can start JoelDate, a dating service for women like you – you know, a Joel-ess. Hope this helps.

    Zumba J.D.

  • Travesty

    God damn, was last nights Community one of the funniest things I’ve seen on TV in MONTHS.

  • http://twitter kevin mcfall

    is this girl some kind of whack job.

    (p.s. not all guys are gonna be super buff. you should hook up with someone with more meat on their bones.)

    p.s.s (me)

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