Wait, I’m getting ahead of myself. You’re a laid-back kind of guy. I’ve come on too strong. Let me start again. (And if anyone reading this knows how to get this to Joel, that’d be super awesome. Thanks, guys! Hugs and kisses!)
Hi, Joel! You are so funny. You’re tops on The Soup—SO hilarious—and really great on Community, too. So, ok, I haven’t watched Community that much, but I did tune in the other night. It was the episode where you guys are all playing paintball? You know, that one? It was really good. And you were reallllllllly good. (Did I say that already? Sorry. You make me so nervous!) I tried to go see you do stand-up last month but my mom was being a total bitch and wouldn’t let me have her car. LOL. Anyway, um, I wanted to get in touch just to say what a big fan I am, and what a super-great actor you are, and so so so hysterical. (I’m not just saying that!) But also, um, also–you are fucking hot, Joel.
I don’t know why I didn’t realize it before. Maybe it’s because I am first and foremost attracted to your wit. I get you. All your hilarious bon mots on the E! entertainment network, all that lovably adorable ribbing of tweaked-out reality stars and celebutards (aren’t they the WORST? LMAO!) And while I will always appreciate you first and foremost for your brain, it bears repeating: You are fucking hot.
Whose idea was it to put you in a pair of boxer-briefs? Good job, wardrobe department! I would have never guessed you worked out so much! You are soooooo complicated. But I like that about you. You keep me on my toes. You’re, like, a total brain, but your body is a temple.
Be my shul, Joel. Let me worship you.
I have never written a letter like this in my life! But something happened in my body when I watched you running around the hallowed halls of Greendale half-naked with a semiautomatic weapon. I felt things. In my body. Because of your body. Suddenly you were a MAN. (Not that you weren’t a man before! OMG, how embarrassing!)
Did the guys at The Soup make fun of you for showing off your physique so gratuitously? I bet they did—they seem like such jokesters! Let me tell you, Joel, they are just jealous. OMG, in that scene when you’re lying on the table all greasy-like while Brita’s patching you up? Why wouldn’t they be jealous?
(PS—I would love to come visit you on the set—it looks so fun there! LOL.)
I know you’re married, Joel, so I should go, but let me just say this: I hope your wife appreciates you. Because you deserve that, Joel. You deserve someone who appreciates how multifaceted and brillz you are, and also appreciates that fine, fine ass.
Talk 2 u l8er,