9:00 p.m. Oh gosh, the Battle for the Title is upon us! We’re down to 6 contestants. Final Six might not have the alliterative ring of Final Five, but my sixth sense wouldn’t have it any other way.
9:01 p.m. Craig Robinson earned a Ph.D. since last week and is OK with dropping the L word on us. Alas, that’s love, not lesbian. But wait, all you fans of White should be happy also. Hold up, racists. I mean, Ron White is here to perform later tonight.
9:03 p.m. And yikes, with very little build up, Jonathan Thymius is eliminated, that endearing oddball. He’s depressed about the country’s fickle ways, but still sees the cat food bowl as half full. Ok, so now it is actually the Final Five. Howdy doody! They’ll all be touring together so that’s a sure bet. I can’t wait for the road stories/tweets/LiveJournals/Tumblrs.
9:04 p.m. Roy Wood Jr. is up first to perform, but not before we get a whole tasty montage sandwich worth of sound bites about and from him, kthx. Nom nom nom. He’s been a strong contender since the get go.
9:06 p.m. And now for his set! Wood thinks everybody who likes black people should be singled out in some way. History repeats itself! His friends like him to play the alibi game for them, but unfortunately, he has a short term memory for lying. He also does a lively bit about how a woman’s friends can have military-like precision when it comes to laying the smackdown on any dude who has crossed her (collateral dame-age included). 1-877-5-KEEP-01 for this lucky gentleman!
9:09 p.m. Kindler wonders if it’s too late to judge this week, but he’s grateful for the wristbands Wood sent his way. Leggero loves his the mix of his social and personal commentary. Giraldo is also all praise. Let’s see if anyone gets any admonishment tonight. Last chance for a scolding from the Judge Judy panel.
9:14 p.m. Up next, Tommy Johnagin wanted to be a comedian since he was 8 years old, and David Letterman can list that childhood dream as one of his credits. He’s grateful for the judges smiling on him thus far.
9:15 p.m. Johnagin has a redneck uncle who has stolen a port-a-john. When you gotta go…you gotta steal, I suppose. Johnagin also had a sports physical at a gynecologist’s office. Of course he did! He’s a comedian! He puts the men in menstruation. Speaking of manly things, he hit a deer once when he was driving. Or rather, God threw one at him. 1-877-5-KEEP-02 for this consistent guy!
9:18 p.m. Leggero loves his joke layering, and Giraldo thinks he’s great, straight up. All his jokes are based on personal stories, and he crushes every time. Kindler thinks it was Johnagin’s best set yet, and liked how he slowed it up a bit. He even threw a tagline T-shirt idea his way. Man, I’m blushing from how swoony these vets are getting! Heroes turning into groupies. Let’s make it a show.
9:24 p.m. Myq Kaplan is up next, and his nerves have been wracked at every turn. Not that you’d guess from his cool, collected demeanor. Giraldo notices he gets lots of applause breaks; it’s true, the guy goes broke for claps! Shout out to his girlfriend (and also comic), Myka Fox, and cut to a fairy tale kiss!
9:25 p.m. Some serious whoo-age up in this piece for Kaplan. He starts out his set by clarifying that he’s not Johnagin. No really, look closely at their glasses! He’s talking about gay marriage and how bigotry can be confusing. If gays aren’t supposed to marry each other, are they supposed to marry us? He hasn’t spotted many baby mermaids lately, nor any furniture voting. But if it could, maybe my couch would log onto nbc.com after the show (hint to vote later, guyses!). Methinks it’s smart to do voting jokes on a show that prominently features voting for you as a potential champion after the show. And as usual, he covered a yard’s worth of material in a couple minutes. 1-877-5-KEEP-03 for those of you not counting along.
9:28 p.m. Giraldo still thinks he’s hilarious, but is still the last anti-suffragist left standing. Kindler hates to echo, but here he goes! He hoorays Kaplan’s thought process. Leggero is also against the women’s movement (unless we’re talking Activia and bowels, amirite laaaadiesssssss?!), but all for Kaplan’s brilliance.
9:34 p.m. And the fight for Snooki’s honor continues…and here comes Felipe Esparza. Leggero thinks he was born to make people laugh. He also wanted to be a comic as a kid. His past includes hardcore drugs and gangbanging, but after an appropriate amount of reflection, he turned things around for himself. He finds it surreal to be a finalist. He wants to die with a microphone in his hand. Way to keep it gritty! Perhaps they can make The Baseketball Diaries. I cringed on that one too.
9:35 p.m. Esparza is onstage, and talking about the difference between TVs and ovens. Not much, if you have a good imagination. Mexicans cook with lard, so it’s no surprise he had a heart attack when he was 12 in the middle of a kickball game. A Caesar callback wrapped in a joke about potential gay incest! It can be done. Watching gays makes him a little gay, and he’s done! 1-877-5-KEEP-04, note it!
9:39 p.m. Kindler has fallen more and more in love with Esparza every week, and takes a down under shot at Mencia while he’s at it. Leggero’s all smiles, and Giraldo thinks Esparza is his favorite Mexican Amish comedian, and he kills hard. Former Amish gangbanger too, whattttttt.
9:44 p.m. Robinson welcomes us back to a show so good, it should be a movie. Mike DeStefano thinks comedy should be about the dark side of life, and didn’t think the judges would like him. But Kindler was on his bus from the first joke, even if the driver of that bus grimaces a lot. No, but seriously, folks, he’s a keeper.
9:46 p.m. DeStefano is considering going Buddhist because he’s had enough of ugly, scary religious people doing bad advertising for Jesus. He’s found money on the sidewalk before, but a homeless person ruined the experience for him. Not that that stopped him from making it into a teaching moment. DeStefano is also tired of gangster rappers claiming immortality because of how many times they’ve been shot. Maybe it’s the quality (cough, race/ethnicity, cough) of the marksman? And can you hear him now? Because that’s a wrap! 1-877-5-KEEP-05 for dis guy!!!
9:49 p.m. Leggero channels Osbourne a la America’s Got Impressionists! She AND her family are fans of Mike D. So is Giraldo, and Kindler thinks he’s got it all. That’s it! That’s all the comics. Oh wait, Ron White still has to go! I hope the judges aren’t too hard on him. He missed so many weeks already!
9:54 p.m. White is up! He remembers being so excited seven years ago when the show first came out, but unfortunately, he thought it was a drinking contest. I like this commencement speech tone that he’s giving. Cigar? Check. Whiskey? Check. He once needed a tooth patched, but he ended up with a Mormon underage dentist. Speaking of teenagers, roller coasters might not be the best match for their sense of invincibility.
Onto domestic issues…he and his wife invented a sexual position called The Lazy Dog. And that’s it! Vote for him with your hearts if you can. He gets no phone number. Oh wait, Robinson has forbidden it.
9:58 p.m. And your contestants one more time with their punchlines…Wood, Johnagin, Kaplan, Esparza, and DeStefano. This country was founded on democracy and prize money! You know what you need to do!!! DO IT TO IT!!! Go here or use your telephone (1-877-5-KEEP-contestant number)! Tune in next week for THE BIG REVEAL, and a little bird (Twitter) told me last season’s winner (one Miss Iliza Shlesinger) will be performing. Adieu!