I’m here in a pretty swanky room at the Hammerstein Ballroom in New York waiting for the show to start. I can barely feel my fingers having spent a few hours on the Gold Carpet outside. But I shouldn’t complain, right? Right.
Roastmaster Seth MacFarlane has taken to the stage, peeps. “Personally I smoked a lot of pot and clearly don’t give a shit about this,” MacFarlane says about his duties. “Snoop Dogg is here. When you were back stage, be honest, did you (makes pot smoking gesture)… blow Jeffrey Ross?”
Trump has taken to the stage. “You’re a grown man, you have hair like Dennis the Menace; did you fall head first into a cotton candy machine?” MacFarlane asks… “Trump says he’s going to run for president in 2012, but if his plan for America is to fire everyone, he’s about two years too late.”
MacFarlane: “He opposes abortion, which makes sense, because that’s his next wife he may be killing (Trump not laughing).”
MacFarlane on Trump’s ego: “When Trump bangs a supermodel, he closes his eyes and imagines he’s jerking off.
Lisa Lampanelli is up first and she immediately goes after Marlee Matlin, MacFarlane and Larry King. “Don’t worry, Larry. It’s almost over. I’m not talking about the Roast.”
“Snoop, if you need to make more purple Kool-Aid, the colored fountain is over there,” says Lampanelli. And now Lisa is after Anthony Jeselnik: “Why are you here? Is Daniel Tosh busy getting fisted?”
And, finally Lisa gets after The Situation from the Jersey Shore and the book he’s apparently written. “I tried to buy your book on Amazon.com. It said that customers who bought this book, also bought a rope and a stool.”
Back from commercial break and Seth says a few words about the late Greg Giraldo and quickly intros Larry King. And King is off to a blazingly hilarious audible start. “Lisa is a shock comic, but only if you look at her face.” King, in an effort to be self deprecating keeps making references to his now former CNN talk show. Except, he keeps laughing at his own jokes and sounds, well, he sounds like Larry King. He also mispronounced Anthony Jeselnik’s last name. I can’t imagine how Comedy Central is going to make King’s set viewable.
Snoop Dogg is up, folks. “Aint no niggas watching The Cleveland Show,” he says to Seth MacFarlane. To Whitney Cummings, he launches into, “Look at your fine, little skinny ass sitting up there. After tonight you can go back to working the strip clubs… as the poll. I roll blunts fatter than you, but you’ve been passed around more.” On Trump: “I’d love to fuck one of Trump’s ex-wives, so I would know what it’s like to cum into money.”
Who’s the star of this Roast so far? Snoop. For realz.
Whitney Cummings, after taking at least a dozen shots about her skinny shape and being a whore, takes to the stage. Attacks on The Situation begin. Hooray! “At first I thought the Jersey Shore cast was Mexican because they’re so tan and always doing laundry.”
Whitney Cummings calls the audience “a bunch of pussies,” after grabbing a few sweeping groans from the crowd. Nice, Whitney.
Holy shit. The Situation is DYING, totally BOMBING. Whitney and Jeffrey are trying to help as much as they could. This is a GREAT study in how much it matters WHO is delivering mean jokes. The Situation’s strongest asset is that he’s an egomaniac. Anybody with any self awareness would run off the stage, crying.
Seth MacFarlane is back onstage: “Are we still on the rails, or have things gone completely South? Because I’m petrified.”
Anthony Jeselnik is onstage, folks: “It’s been a rough year for comedy. Not only did the world lose Greg Giraldo, but even worse, it kept Jeff Ross.”
Marlee Matlin hits the stage. “I’m self conscious about my voice. Thousands of people have told me that when I speak, it sounds like Whitney Cummings with a dick in her mouth.” (She’s deaf, just in case you don’t know). She’s fucking killing. To Jeffrey Ross: “Jeff, you’re like bed bugs. We can’t get rid of you and people scream when they’re in bed with you.” And Gilbert Gottfried drops by to help Marlee out.
Jeffrey Ross closes the night, folks– as it should be: “Lisa’s vagina is so beat up, its nickname is Rihanna.” To Trump: “I could spend 10 minutes on your hair…I’m last, so I figured, ‘Fuck it, I’ll say whatever I want.”
Time for Trump’s rebuttal…… you’ll have to wait for March 15 for that.