I’m here at the first annual Comedy Awards, folks. And I have to say, it’s an honor. Rob Corddry is on stage right now accepting his award for Children’s Hospital. He also just yelled “Henry FUCKING Winkler.” It may be the first time that’s been done. Ever.
It’s Best Actor in a TV Comedy time… Ty Burell, Tracy Morgan, Alec Baldwin, Danny McBride, Steve Carell are up for it. Alec Baldwin snags it. Well deserved. “I want to thank my family, because doing this job it’s tough and i haven’t been able to see everyone…I miss them. I don’t see them as much as I’d like to.” Heartfelt.
South Park, Archer, The Simpsons, American Dad and Family Guy are all up for best animated show. And it’s South Park! Trey and Matt are all like, “Winning this award feels like being student of the month and your mom’s the teacher.” They’re honest, if nothing else.
Lonely Island and Akon just took to the stage, serving up an amazing satire of rap and hip-hop.performances. Also, I’m hungry.
Best Viral Video time: What has the world come to? We’re giving away awards for things that aren’t even on television or a movie screen? Yes, we are. Thankfully. And the winner is… Auto Tune The News. These dudes beat out Zach Galifianakis interviewing Ben Stiller? For real? I’m being told I’m wrong for thinking that.
Stephen Colbert takes to the stage with a stiff drink, presenting the award for best writing for TV. And 30 Rock takes the prize. Tracy Morgan needs another kidney, says Tina Fey. She might be kidding. Also, the guy who directed that Scott Pilgrim movie won an award for directing it.
Tracy Morgan’s onstage, everyone. And check it: he’s using LOTS of swear words. He’s announcing Eddie Murphy, who’s getting the first ever Comedy Awards Icon award. “I love this man, and I recently found out he’s my biological father. He’s the king.” Annnnd roll the Eddie highlight reel!
Eddie Murphy claims his well-deserved prize. “This is the kind of thing you give an old man. Thirty-five years, I’ve been trying to make people laugh,” he says. Murphy names Richard Pryor, Chaplin and George Carlin as the true greats of stand-up comedy. Eddie kept his speech short and overly modest. He seemed genuinely bittersweet that he was getting the award, mentioning more than once that this is “an old man award.”
Garry Shandling onstage talking politics. He has a new idea for award shows: “At the end, we should give everyone an award when they come in and then take them away one by one during the night.” Shandling, honestly, is sounding a bit crazy. Off script? Off meds? On something? What is going on? Oh, he’s presenting the award for best comedy series. Get to it, already!
Eastbound & Down, 30 Rock, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, The Office and Modern Family are all up for best comedy series. Wow, Modern Family takes the prize. First semi-surprise of the night. Well deserved, Modern Family mofos!
John Oliver is presenting the award for the best stand-up comedy special: Aziz Ansari, Bill Maher, Louis C.K., Ricky Gervais and Whitney Cummings. And the winner is… Louis C.K. And you know how awesome Louis is? This is a black tie event– dude is not in a suit or tux. “This is the best part of the shittiest night of my life. I’ve hated every minute of it, except this,” he says. Louis says Bill Cosby is the greatest living stand-up comedian. Got it? Good.
Bruce Willis is onstage giving the audience a lesson in how to yell the word “fuck.” He’s also giving out the award for best late-night comedy series. I think Bruce and Shandling are on the same thing. Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, Jimmy Kimmel Live, Late Night With David Letterman and The Colbert Report are up for the prize. And the winner is…The Daily Show with Jon Stewart! Nice! Colbert is joining Jon and the staff onstage to accept the award, creepily stalking Jon. Invading his personal space!
Colbert makes a rousing speech: “Tonight, you could go fuck yourself. Get the fuck off the stage. I’m not joking. I accept this award for every person who’s soul has been crushed by Jon Stewart the last eight years… If they can do it in Egypt, we can do it here. Freedom!”
Jon Cryer is onstage, opening up to the crowd. He’s looking for a way to express himself. “I’ve made an album.” Cue hardcore gangsta rappers and dancers! Best comedy actress nods go to Tina Fey, Jane Lynch, Jane Krakowski, Betty White and Kristen Wiig. But the shiny prize goes to Wiig!
Hey, it’s Andy Richter. And he just happens to be here to present the award for best comedy actor in a movie. And Zach Galifianakis snags the prize for his role in Dinner with Schmucks.
Modern Family’s Ty Burell is here to present the award for best comedy screenplay: Hot Tub Time Machine wins. Helen Mirren, Chloe Moretz, Tina Fey, Emma Stone and Anne Hathaway are all up for best comedic actress in a film; Fey wins it for Date Night. When I was making Date Night, I knew that I was fucking crushing Helen Mirren at acting,” Fey says hilariously, implying she does not deserve the award. Nice.
The Comedy Awards salutes all the professional funny peeps we lost this year: Robert Schimmel, Greg Giraldo included. No Mike DeStefano? Odd, especially because this crowd of comedy peeps would absolutely appreciate his inclusion.
Bill Murray onstage, and gets the first standing ovation of the night. He’s here to present the Johnny Carson Award to David Letterman!
“Giving me this award is the equivalent of NASA giving the Neil Armstrong Award to balloon boy.” –David Letterman
And we’re out!