It’s time Punchline Magazine provides a valuable service to its readers– beyond, of course, offering you the latest in comedy news and interviews.
So, obviously, that means we’re going to give you a weekly dose of astrology. And by “we,” I mean comedian Dan Cummins.
Dan has been studying the stars for years and is finally sharing his gift with the world. Below you will find the only horoscopes you’ll need this week. -dylan
Aries: Aries are known to be impulsive, and live passionately in the moment. This week, embrace your true inner-nature, and aggressively fuck three complete strangers. Your lucky color is mauve.
Taurus: The Taurus is stubborn. That’s why, when someone tells you this week that if you don’t pay up they’re going to kill one member of your family, you need to stick to your principles, and accept that you can always get a new mom and/or child.
Gemini: Gemini’s are optimistic and indecisive. This week you’re going to hope you magically walk into a giant pile of money, but, you’ll never be able to agree with yourself on how to spend your pretend money. The stress will give you a bleeding ulcer. Stay away from Taurus. They’re dealing with a shitstorm this week.
Cancer: Cancers are nurturers. That’s good news for they young bird that will smash into your window, for you will nurse it back to health. But then, for the next two years, that bird will shit on your car every Goddamn day.
Leo: Leo’s need to be admired and respected. To accomplish both of this things, this week you need to train a tiger how to have sex with a bear.
Virgo: Virgo’s are not well liked by the other signs. They’re fussy, emotionally detached, and overly opinionated. That’s why you need to leave town for a week, and let everyone you come into regular contact with recharge their batteries. You’re exhausting.
Libra: Libras are sensitive, artsy types who live in their own worlds. This week, you need to figure out how to actually make money in that world. No one wants to read your stupid poems, let alone buy them. Drop out of your art classes and get a real job you fucking mooch. Your lucky slogan is cut your hair and stop breaking your parents’ hearts.
Scorpio: Scorpio’s are both passionate and possessive. That’s good news for the two people you have tied up in your basement. You’ll never let them leave, but, you’re going to take excellent care of them.
Sagittarius: Sagittarius is impulsive, and also optimistic. This week, you’re going to make some horrible last-second decisions, but, you’re going to feel great about them. The incredibly unattractive people you’ll wake up next to this week will appreciate you cooking them breakfast and asking for their numbers, instead of crying and running out of your own apartment like you probably should to escape these mongoloids.
Capricorn: Capricorns are successful, patient, born leaders. Fuck you Capricorns. You’re no better than the rest of us. You don’t have any lucky anything. Apparently you don’t need it. And stop re-reading The Secret. You choose your own destiny; we fucking get it, already.
Aquarius: People who bear the sign of the aquarius are very complicated, complex individuals. This week, you’ll help a friend a move, but, inexplicably, you’ll also shit on top of their new toilet, not in it. Your lucky mythical creature is the pegasus.
Pisces: Pisces are emotional, sensitive, and inspirational. Use these skills to start your own cult this week. Just remember, don’t make the end of days come up too quickly – tell people it’s gonna be at least ten years before the spaceship lands. And that you have to prepare for it by having a lot, A LOT, of unprotected sex with 18-22 year olds. You want to milk this shit as long as possible before the inevitable mass suicide. Your lucky planet is Pluto. Fuck you scientists, it’s still a planet.
Dan Cummins @D_Cummins is a nationally headlining comedian with many network television appearances to his credit. His debut album Revenge is Near was released in 2009. Crazy With A Capital F, his Comedy Central hour special, DVD and album, was released in 2010. You can get more info at dancummins.tv.