It’s time Punchline Magazine provides a valuable service to its readers– beyond, of course, offering you the latest in comedy news and interviews.
So, obviously, that means we’re going to give you a weekly dose of astrology. And by “we,” I mean comedian Dan Cummins.
Dan has been studying the stars for years and is finally sharing his gift with the world. Below you will find the only horoscopes you’ll need this week. -dylan
Aries: Thursday afternoon, you will receive a text message from a person claiming to be Gene Hackman. After a lengthy back and forth text exchange covering everything from global politics to favorite 80s romantic comedies, you will discover on Friday morning that this person actually is Gene Hackman. Cut off all communication with him. Otherwise, on Sunday he will show up and ruin a perfectly good afternoon by refusing to stop talking about how difficult it was to work with Morgan Freeman on the set of Unforgiven. Your lucky time zone is Central Standard.
Taurus: A trusted friend will try and introduce you to cocaine this week. Live a little and snort as much blow as you can get your hands on. You’ll have an incredibly intense, four-hour conversation about how great microwaves really are, and realize that you’ve been merely existing, and not really living until this exact moment. Your lucky 90s action movie icon is Jean Claude Van Dam.
Gemini: Your parents are about to stop loving you. They just feel like they’ve already wasted enough time throwing their time and hard-earned money into something no longer view as “worth it”, and who’s to say they’re not right? Oh, and, a local necromancer has summoned some sort of demon/minion thing, and it’s been hiding in your crawl space since last Friday. I don’t know a lot about it, but, it looks capable of some pretty nightmarish shit. Your unlucky this week.
Cancer: You’re about to become the Goo Goo Dolls biggest fan. You’ll join their fan club, and dedicate all of Saturday to downloading various concert bootlegs. This is going to be hard on and confusing for those around you. No one really hates their music, but no one should really, really love it either. Drink lots of cough syrup.
Libra: Have you ever thought about how hard it must have been to live before the inventions of the shower and the hot water tank? From Thursday morning to midday on Sunday, this is literally all you will think about. Stay away from prime numbers.
Scorpio: It’s time you wake up and accept the fact that clowns do not exist as society recognizes them. They are, and have always been, Satan’s puppets, and they live on the blood of children, the tears of grownups, and the souls of kittens. Start watching old reruns of Simon and Simon. It’s still really good.
Sagittarius: Group sex is going to become a huge priority for you this week. Unfortunately, you lack both the planning abilities and charisma to make it happen. You’re going to masturbate to some seriously fucked up shit over the weekend. Lock your doors, and reformat your hard drive when it’s all over. Try cinnamon and powdered sugar on some wheat toast. It’s sweet, but, not too sweet.
Capricorn: You have the power to persuade most people to go against their core beliefs. Use this power to convince a group of ultra-conservative right-wing nutjobs to abort their already grown children. And read all seven of Stephen King’s Dark Tower books. The ending’s a bit of a letdown, but the ride is fantastic.
Pisces: Wednesday night you’re going to buttfuck a golden retriever. Thursday, you’re going to wake up with intense regret and the corpse of another dog you felt you had to kill to “keep shit from getting out of hand.” Too late for that. Things are way, way, WAY out of hand. Good luck finding the dog you raped. It hasn’t stopped running since your crime against nature.
Dan Cummins @D_Cummins is a nationally headlining comedian with many network television appearances to his credit. His debut album Revenge is Near was released in 2009. Crazy With A Capital F, his Comedy Central hour special, DVD and album, was released in 2010. You can get more info at dancummins.tv.