Aries: Adam Sandler is going to offer you a lead role in his new movie. Turn it down. I still want the time back I spent watching the trailer for Grown Ups. And, you’re not going crazy, Rob Schneider really has been following you. He’s hoping to piggyback his way onto the new film.
Taurus: You’re going to soon realize how important it is to have good friends. Then you’re going to sink into a deep depression upon realizing that you don’t have any, and that you are utterly, and completely alone in the world. Your lucky fish is the small mouthed bass.
Gemini: This is your week to play the lottery. You’re not lucky, but, you’re going to die next week, and you might as well give your relatives a chance at some kind of inheritance.
Cancer: It’s time you accept that installing and repairing vinyl siding really is what God put you on this planet to do. You’re good at it. You get the job done in a timely fashion. And, it’s an attractive, durable replacement for traditional wood siding, eliminating the need for constant sanding and repainting. Everyone wins with vinyl. Additionally, watch out for rattlesnakes. There’s a good chance you will get snakebit on either Tuesday or Saturday.
Leo: I can’t bring myself to tell you what’s going to happen this week, other than it’s going to involve a hammer, incest, facial reconstruction surgery, and tanning oil. Avoid water at all costs on Friday.
Virgo: You’re going to start making assorted fart-themed t-shirts in your basement this week on your new silkscreen press. You’re not going to feel good about it, but, you’re going to make a lot of money. Your lucky tree is the Rocky Mountain Maple.
Libra: Everybody knows that Libras can be bossy. Everybody except African driver ants. The 20 million strong colony living under your shed is going to attack you when you least expect it this week, and they could care less about your demands. Make peace with your God now.
Scorpio: Sammy Hagar is going to bring you in the studio today to record some demos. You’ll feel silly at times, and, you’ll question a lot of his lyric choices, but, don’t you dare question the end result. “I Can’t Drive 55” sounds as good today as it did in 1984. He’s a living legend. Stock up on water purification tablets.
Sagittarius: You’re zodiac sign is based on a constellation of a centaur carrying a bow and arrow. What does that tell you? Two things. You have incredible hand-eye coordination, and, deep down, you kind of want to fuck a horse. Become a piano virtuoso this week, I dare you.
Capricorn: Buy a bunch of goats today. Get to know each of them throughout the week, sharing tender moments, and feeding them from your hand. On Saturday, assign them numbers, pick one of those numbers, and then kill that goat in front of the others. On Sunday, when people ask you why you did it, tell them you wanted to better understand the mind of God and then get quiet and stare off into the middle distance until they finally walk away uncomfortably. Your lucky celebrity is Burt Reynolds.
Aquarius: Buy a bundle of heroin tonight, cook all of it up in a giant metal ladle, shoot it all into your arm at once, and then call me on my cell phone. I need to bounce some ideas off a disintegrating psyche.
Pisces: Look, I know vanity isn’t your thing, but, teeth are important, and those quartz crystals protruding from your jaw bone look more like dirty fragments of some dead ferret’s crushed rib cage than human teeth. Either go to a dentist this week, or, buy a pair of needle nose pliers and a gallon of Crown Royal and test the limits of your pain tolerance.