Aries: Hey, you know how you like whistling that solo from that Scorpion’s song, “Winds of Change?” This week I want you to work on never doing that again. It’s really fucking annoying. Your lucky element is Paladium.
Taurus: This week I want you to fly like an eagle. No, wait, I want you to fly ON an eagle. Make it happen or next week one of your neighbors will be executed gangland style in front of you.
Gemini: This week, Adrien Brody is going to fuck the one person you care the most about in this world. At first, it’s really gonna piss you off, but, 10 years from now, it’s gonna be your favorite story to tell people after a few drinks.
Cancer: In the next few hours, you’re going to be visited by an extraterrestrial. It’s going to tell you why we’re all here, and where we’re going. You’re going to race home so you can write it down before you forget, but, you’re going to turn on the TV first and it’s going to be the last episode of the Golden Girls. You’ll get sucked in, and by the time you’re done wiping the tears off your cheeks when it’s over, you’ll have forgotten everything except hearing something about parallel universes and time being circular. That alien will never be back, you stupid son of-a-bitch. Nice work.
Leo: You really need to stop making jokes about rape this week. The first couple were kinda funny, but now everyone just thinks you probably really do rape people. Ironically, on Friday, you’re going to get raped. Your lucky candy is Mike and Ike’s.
Virgo: This week, you’re going to get into fist fight with Bruce Willis. It’s going to be incredible. He’s going to win, but you’re gonna land a couple of wicked shots on him before it’s over. Be sure to eat a lot of fruit this weekend. It’s good for you.
Libra: Invest everything you have into raw, undeveloped land, and then start mining it for gold and buried treasure. Wear nothing but overalls and smoke from a corn cob pipe. This is your week to be eccentric.
Scorpio: This week your going to go on a new diet you’ve just invented called the “salt and raisin diet” where you eat nothing but salt and raisins. You’ll be in the hospital by Friday. Your lucky texture is leathery.
Sagittarius: Good news, you’re gonna lose 20 pounds this week. Bad news, you’re gonna lose it by being constantly chased by hostile cyborg chimps with blowtorches for hands.
Capricorn: On Friday morning you’re going to feel the urge to quietly walk up behind a woman at the grocery store you’ve never met, and ever so gently lick her hair, and then whisper, “Imagine if that was some of your other hair,” and then point at her vagina. Go with this urge. You’ll never succeed if you’re too afraid to try. And don’t forget, be sure and plant that garlic in your neighbor’s backyard by dawn on Saturday. That old gypsy man was very specific.
Aquarius: Two dozen ravens will show up at your bedroom window at exactly midnight and stare into your soul. Don’t worry, they’re not actually capable of anything. They all just think it’s very funny, and they’ve been doing this to different people in your area every other Tuesday for years now.
Pisces: On Tuesday, you’re going to figure out how to make clouds move with your mind, and, on Wednesday, you’re going to figure out how to talk to pigeons. Then, on Thursday, you’re going to find the son of a bitch whose been spiking your Diet Coke with LSD. Finally, on Friday you really won’t still be hallucinating. A local Capricorn really did plant garlic in your yard at midnight.