Aries: In the past, you haven’t been the biggest fan of candy corn. This week, it’s all your going to want to eat. You’re going to have a lot of energy early in the week, because candy corn is basically pure sugar. This weekend, you’re going to be tired, have a lot of digestive problems, and possibly some new kind of cancer from all that damn trailer park confectionery.
Taurus: You’re going to put the bull in Taurus this week! You’re going to attempt to become the first person with no prior riding experience to ride a real rodeo bull for at least eight seconds and you are going to fail miserably. But, you are going to really impress some really hot fans, who are going to think of you later when they’re giving whoever they happen to be seeing some of the best sex of their lives.
Gemini: I don’t care what those doctors said, that weird bump right above your genitals IS something serious. Probably some kind of insect growing and reproducing in your intestines. Or a demon child who has made you its human vessel. Make at least two appointments with an acupuncturist, and, rethink everything you know about witch doctors. Voodoo may be your best friend right now.
Cancer: You’re going to meet someone very special on Thursday night, and then, on Friday you’re going to invite them over to your place. And on Saturday, when you wake up, a lot of your stuff will be missing. This will teach you a great lesson: anyone really up for some hardcore anal sex the day after you meet them isn’t playing with a full deck, and you should never let them know where you live, let alone fall asleep with them in your house.
Leo: Midgets will come across as sinister and untrustworthy this week, even if you yourself are a midget. Dwarves will seem benevolent and helpful, unless you yourself are a dwarf. In that case, you’ll know dwarves are the true dark side of the little people universe. Your lucky numbers are 2, 4, and maybe 13.
Virgo: Take up fly fishing and rent A River Runs Through It immediately. Cry a lot. Get overly nostalgic, call all your relatives and close friends and tell them how much they really mean to you. Then buy a leather jacket, burn that movie, get drunk at a bar across town, go home with someone you can’t stand, and have dirty, aggressive, unprotected sex. Your stars don’t make sense this week, so neither should you. And ease off the garlic salt when you cook, that shit stays with you for at least three days.
Libra: You and a close friend will get into a seemingly inconsequential argument over who dropped the best rock bass riffs of the 90s, Flea or Les Claypool. Sadly, “Flea Les Claypool” is the trigger code for a hypnotized sleeper cell terrorist leader who will commence burning Rhode Island to the ground over the weekend. Drink less soy milk. It’s healthier than dairy, but it still has plenty of calories, and most of them are ending up in your fat ass.
Scorpio: Your hometown is going to be completely surrounded by giant insects by midweek. They’ll have trouble communicating with you, so I’ll go ahead and tell you what they want: human blood, and lots of it. Good luck. Remember, shoot for their eyes. Due to their impenetrable mutant exoskeleton, it’s virtually their only weakness.
Sagittarius: Get ready for a real treat. On Friday, not more than twenty feet from where you’ll be standing, the real Green Lantern is going to beat the living shit out of Ryan Reynolds. He doesn’t deserve it, but hey, who wouldn’t want to see something that ironic and intense? Your lucky salt is salt.
Capricorn: Romance is in the air. Literally. A lot of people are going to cum on you this week. Some guy in an alley. Some dude in the bathroom at PF Changs. A close male relative. Buy a three pack of cheap cotton t-shirts and wear them all week. No need to ruin anything nice.
Aquarius: Talk more and listen less this week. You’ve got a lot of great things to say this week, and the world needs to hear you! Some people are going to be ready for the truth you’ll be laying down, but you have a right to your opinion, even if it’s that slavery wasn’t that big of a deal. Buy a Kevlar jacket and wear it always, even to bed.
Pisces: You’re a sexual deviant, especially this week. But no matter how many tequila shots you have on Friday, really try and remember that there is a GOOD REASON people don’t try and fuck cheese graters. Drink less coffee, it’ll make you less intense and annoying.