I’m at Sony Pictures Studios in Culver City at the Comedy Central Roast of Charlie Sheen. The show hasn’t even started, and we’ve already seen quite a bit on the red carpet… partially nude “Sheen goddesses,” roaster and comedian cockgod Ron Jeremy and actress Kate Walsh just being a pile of hot. We’re in the press room now and ready to live blog for all you Laughspinners. Stay tuned…
7:41 pm WiFi issues resolved! Eating free food while surrounded by people that are wearing nicer socks and shirts than I am. Seth MacFarlane is out, intro’ing all the roasters. William Shatner looks visibly terrified to be sitting beside Mike Tyson.
7:54 pm Now it appears that Tyson and Shatner are two old army buddies catching up about the good old days. The good old days when Kirk used to make out with intergalactic blue chicks, and Tyson communicated exclusively via jabs. Anthony Jeselnik might’ve been the Dolph Lundgren look alike I thought I saw earlier. Uncanny resemblance from a distance.
7:59 pm SHOW HAS STARTED! The intro looks like a peyote induced nightmare Ozzy Osbourne might experience.
8:02 pm Seth MacFarlane reading off a possible Sheen Obituary. Tyson roars “I LOVE CHARRLAAY!!”. All in attendance nervously laugh so as not to have a hole punched in them by Mike.
8:06 pm “Fix your teeth Mike, at least Foreman is making money off his shitty grill” – Seth starting in on the ex-champ. You can tell Tyson has the makings to be the Andy Dick/Courtney Love of the evening.
8:08 pm Movie Montage being shown of Sheen’s career (Platoon, Wall Street, Hot Shots, Major League etc) set to “Eye of the Tiger.” Mr. Sheen himself is introduced on a throne shaped like a train engine with Slash playing a VERY average guitar solo behind him. Cameraman falls, I laugh aloud.
8:13 pm “A dick with cocaine on it is called a Sheenis” – Seth MacFarlane.
8:16 pm Mike Tyson’s demeanor leads you to believe he GENUINELY doesn’t like MacFarlane. “I ain’t tell you SHIT!” screamed when Seth makes a light barb Mike’s way. First Roaster Jon Lovitz is up!
8:20 pm Steve-O has the laugh of a three-pack-a-day smoker who lives UNDER a coal mine. No clue how he’s still alive. Iron Mike again shouts out gibberish.
8:21 pm “How much blow can Charlie Sheen do?…enough to kill two-and-a-half men!!” – Lovitz.
8:28 pm Commercial break, people scurry away from Tyson the minute they have the “all clear” from the stage manager. Odds are +300 that he takes a swing at an inanimate object, and tries to get Jon Lovitz pregnant. I smell a future roast.
8:31 pm Kate Walsh is up next. I just felt it move.
8:35 pm Tyson suggests a gang bang between Shatner, Ross, Walsh, and himself. No bullshit. Kate Walsh is tripping over jokes in a serious way. Good luck, Comedy Central post production staff. Not “The Situation/Trump” bad…but close.
8:40 pm Kate Walsh pulling out of her spiral with some good barbs, Patrice Oneal throws her a courtesy laugh after a “black people love grape drink” joke. She gets a great pop for doing a Mike Tyson lisp impression. You cannot fathom how incredibly fragrant she was on the red carpet. Fresh cut flowers fragrant. Kate wraps up to tepid applause.
8:45 pm JEFF ROSS IS UP!!
8:46 pm “I’m fucking scared of that guy.” — Jeffrey Ross referring to Tyson.
8:48 pm “Charlie’s nostrils are so snotty and full of coke, they should be called the Hilton Sisters. He got f*cked so hard by Ashton Kutcher, he should be called Demi’s Vagina. Charlie Sheen is to stand-up, is what Larry Flynt is to STANDING UP”. Ross is throwing HAYMAKERS on stage right now!!
8:52 pm I am seriously laughing so hard at Ross I can’t keep up. This is an awesome performance. Calls Oneal a “Sickle-Sellout” for doing a roast after saying he would never do one. Patrice belly laughs. I feel bad for the poor person who has to follow Ross.
8:56 pm “If you’re willing to do that to your face, I can only imagine what you’d do to mine” – Ross explaining why he’s scared to make fun of Tyson…then proceeds to DESTROY Mike with about a half dozen jokes.
8:57 pm I can’t help but miss Lisa Lampanelli on this roast. I get the feeling she’d verbally chainsaw Mike Tyson in half with no reservations, no hesitations.
9:01 pm Someone in the back of the press lounge applies Axe body spray to themselves between roasters for NO good fucking reason. The entire room turns and stares at him like he took his pants off, and draped his penis over the cheese tray. Un-fucking-real. It smells like an Affliction commercial in here now. Super.
9:03 pm Curious to see what poor soul draws the short straw to follow Jeff Ross…
9:07 pm Quick lounge update…still smells like aerosol based misogyny in here courtesy of Axey Von Spray Douche. Back from commercial!
9:09 pm HERE COMES TYSON!!! Smart move.
9:10 pm “Tyson has defeated almost every opponent he’s ever had…except the letter S” – Seth MacFarlane
9:13 pm Tyson slowly reads off a joke that was written by someone he’ll most likely never meet, then launches into a heartfelt “Stewie is a faggot” tirade. The balance between the pre-written material, and his genuine stream of consciousness is hilarious. Seriously entertaining stuff.
9:15 pm Tyson is a candy-coated train wreck. Essentially, imagine what Comedy Central WISHED The Situation would have done during the Trump roast but couldn’t, and you’ve got it here. Creepy, effective, horrifying, and captivating. I never wish to meet this man.
9:19 pm Tyson exits to major applause. Best person they could have selected to follow Ross due to the sheer absurdity. Can’t wait to see how they whittle that down for TV. Mike is yelling at someone in the audience, and has to be shown his seat.
9:20 pm Anthony Jeselnik is up next!
9:21 pm “Kate Walsh has her own line of perfume, for that special lady who wants to smell like WHO GIVES A FUCK” – Jeselnik
9:23 pm “Patrice Oneal is so fat, he looks like he deeps fries his hands before he bites his fingernails.” – Jeselnik. You can see that Patrice is ready to tee off once he takes the podium. Cannot wait. Lovitz might be asleep, waiting for confirmation.
9:29 pm Jeselnik is channeling Greg Giraldo in a SERIOUS way tonight. Pure venom. Casey Anthony, School Shootings, Prenatal Down Syndrome Diagnosis, etc…he’s going to some dark places.
9:32 pm “This is a long…long night…*sigh*” – Seth MacFarlane during a commercial break.
9:33 pm Steve-O is up next. He bumped me once at a club. I hope he eats it (that is the opinion of Justin Ian Daniels, and not necessarily that of Laughspin.com).
9:39 pm Steve-O is reading off the teleprompter like he’s been crunching on handfuls of Ritalin. The jokes are solid, but it’s like trying to watch Roger Ebert sing Adele’s “Rolling in the Deep.”
9:40 pm HOLY. SHIT. Steve-O is inviting Tyson to give him a black eye. He sets up to get punched…
9:41 pm Ugh…he just has Mike hold out his fist while he halfheartedly jogs into it. Crowd groans… AMY SCHUMER IS UP!
9:44 pm “You have a slutty lower back tattoo on your FACE. Guys don’t know if they WANT it, or want to finish up ON it”. – Schumer to Tyson. Amy is kicking ass, and hitting the ground running. Though Lampanelli isn’t there, Schumer is flying her flag high tonight. Great stuff.
9:45 pm Tyson is yelling out random weirdness again.
9:47pm Amy makes a Ryan Dunn joke, Steve-O stares a hole THROUGH Schumer. Can’t even crack a smile.
9:49 pm Amy is hitting a perfect balance between Jeffrey Ross’s personal barbs, and Jeselnik’s black humor. Awesome job, and really got in a ton of material about everyone in attendance.
9:52 pm Commercial break, Steve-O grabs the podium mic to say something, producers cut his sound. I high five the guy next to me, we share a warm chocolate chip cookie. The smell of “Axe: MUSKY BASEMENT MATTRESS” has finally subsided.
9:56 pm My press lounge chocolate chip buddy (real name: Bobby) makes a great point…the night has become 45% Sheen roasting, 45% Tyson roasting, 10% everyone else. The more the night goes on, the less it becomes about Sheen. I assume that will be balanced out in post production. Interesting observation though. He’s also incredible at math and sharing baked goods.
9:58 pm Shatner is on deck!!
10:oo pm “Keep it going for Chaz Bono…” – Shatner to Seth MacFarlane. Crowd cheers.
10:07 pm William Shatner doing a laid back, advice laden set for Sheen. Not always laugh out loud, but its William Shatner, so it’s entertaining. Tyson…AGAIN…gurgles out gibberish that sounds like Paula Deen trying to beer-bong a gallon of melted butter. Shatner yells at Tyson to shut up and show some manners!! I loosen up my belt-buckle with joy.
10:08pm Shatner exits…he and Tyson share a long, slow, greasy embrace. Things are whispered. Secrets shared. Passion is in the air. Here comes PATRICE!!!
10:10 pm Patrice Oneal on the podium…decides to toss out his jokes, calls Shatner “a racist dick, and an old asshole,” and you can tell he means it. He is loaded for BEAR. This is going to be awesome.
10:12 pm “In my world, Anthony Jeselnik is an open micer. I ain’t learning his shitty last name. I don’t know who the fuck he is. Fuck him. You people laughed at him??” – Patrice. He is pure riffing, and it’s exactly what you’d want out of Patrice. Awesome.
10:15 pm Patrice is going for the throat on the panel. Schumer, MacFarlane, Jeselnik, ANYONE who talked about him tonight. Hasn’t even LOOKED at Sheen yet. He genuinely compliments Tyson, and the ex-champ responds with “FUCK. YOU.” This is getting weird.
10:19 pm Patrice Oneal is giving SERIOUS critiques of Steve-O and Tyson’s sets now. Calling them weak, boring, etc. This is riveting to watch. I’m a huge Patrice Oneal fan, and this is straight-from-the-heart pissed Patrice at certain points. Camera pans over, Jeff Ross is laying Tyson’s lap. I feel like I ate mushrooms and drank an entire box of white wine.
10:21 pm If you ask the crowd, Ross had the set of the night thus far…if you ask ME, Oneal is talking from the heart, and killing it. His unwillingness to just dance to the music, and play along is what makes him so great. Can’t wait to see what Comedy Central does with that material. Bravo, Patrice.
10:22 pm Up next…Sheen with the final word.
10:30 pm Charlie Sheen comes up to the “Wild Thing” theme. My drunken uncle who thinks the WWE is real, and rebuilds weed-whackers for charity would’ve gotten misty eyed with reflection, I’m positive.
10:34 pm “Scrotum Tuck & Taint augmentation” – Sheen referencing MacFarlane’s plastic surgery. He then asks Seth “What’s Comic-Con pussy like? Fat chicks in Spock ears with Funyon breath?”… I spit out my Fresca laughing.
10:37 pm Charlie Sheen to Anthony Jeselnik, “I like the way you were savoring the moment up here, because years from now when you’re locking up at Radio Shack, you’ll be saying…I….wish…I…was…funnier…” Patrice HOWLS with laughter.
10:43 pm – Sheen is calmly bouncing from roaster to roaster, giving them the what-for. He looks like he’s having fun, and joking conversationally. Nothing ground breaking, but all seem to be smiling having fun. He’s giving a play by play of his career dominance in both TV and film. Takes a “Fuck off, boss” shot at Chuck Lorre. Says he done with the “WINNING” talk…because he’s already WON.
10:44 pm That’s all for the Comedy Central roast of Charlie Sheen friends. I’m Justin Ian Daniels, and it was my pleasure to live blog for Laughspin.com tonight! Take care!
10:45 pm STOP THE PRESSES!! Steve-O tries the “run into Tyson’s fist” bit one more time and S-H-A-T-T-E-R-S his nose!!! Blood is pouring from his mangled face onto the stage. Crowd gasps. I jump onto the table and start doing Tiger Uppercuts. God is real.
10:48 pm Ok, for real this time. I’m out. Gotta get home to feed the cats (Dr. Fuzzlekins & Professor Whiskers). Be well everyone.