Mothers are scared of Ben & Jerry’s “Schweddy Balls,” so we’re giving away five pints!

By | September 22, 2011 at 4:16 pm | One comment | feature slider, Giveaways, Opinion | Tags: , , , , , , ,

UPDATE: 10/9/11 — The Winners!

Here’s a list of our winners along with their winning entries. I didn’t edit these things for content, type-o’s or grammar. Enjoy!

“Um… I’m just gonna shove the whole thing in my ass…” – Jim from Georgia

So I would pick up 5 pints of Schweddy Balls for my family. I would come home and of course be greeted at the door by my wife who would start to devour my Schweddy Balls. It would start to melt all over her face at which time the dog would start to lick the Schweddy Balls off her face then licks its ass because that is what the stupid dog does and now has Schweddy Balls all over its asshole. Then the kids all run up from the play room which each of them yelling “Yay daddy has Schweddy Balls and now we all get to eat his Schweddy Balls!” I hand out all the Schweddy Balls to the kids and they just love the Rum Goodness in my Schweddy Balls….so much rum that they are passed out inebriated with the dog licking Schweddy Balls from their faces of course resulting in a increased amount of Schweddy Balls on the dogs taint. After they pass out the wife and I finish off the last pint by her throwing gobs of Schweddy Balls on my face just so she can emasculate me by saying repeatedly how funny I am with Schweddy Balls across by nose….. At the end we all get together and announce our family name……. THE ARISTOCRATS!!! –John from Staten Island, NY

I plan to consume the pint whilst sitting naked playing video games. That is the why I live. Nakedness, ice cream, and video games. – John from Fresno, CA

i’m gonna eat it like louis ck ate his haagen dazs in that episode of louie–till i pass out in a mess of dashed hopes and self-loathing – Isabelle from San Diego

I’ll haul my Schweddy Balls to the top of Mount Rushmore, where I will hide until nightfall (though by that time my Schweddy Balls will be pretty drippy), then I will rappel down and have my Schweddy Balls, swinging repeatedly in the face of Teddy Roosevelt. – David from Florida


By now, you’re fully aware of Ben & Jerry’s new ice cream flavor, Schweddy Balls– created in honor of the classic Saturday Night Live sketch starring Alec Baldwin, Molly Shannon and Ana Gastayer. We happily reported the news earlier this month. Now, it seems some uptight folks — who do not understand comedy and who hate to laugh — are all angry at the ice cream company., a splinter cell part of the American Family Association, claims that “the vulgar new flavor has turned something as innocent as ice cream into something repulsive.” In a post titled “Ben & Jerry’s Tasteless Ice Cream Flavors,” the official One Million Moms site goes on to say the following:

In the past, Ben & Jerry’s has released controversial ice creams, like a special edition of Chubby Hubby called Hubby Hubby last year which celebrated gay marriage. It seems that offending customers has become an annual tradition for Ben & Jerry’s.

Holy mother of shit, are these people serious? Pick your battles, One Million Moms. The most hilarious part of their post is that they’re asking people to email Ben & Jerry’s requesting “that no additional Schweddy Balls ice cream be distributed. Also, highly recommend they refrain from producing another batch with this name or any other offensive names or you will no longer be able to purchase their products.” Good idea. That’ll show’em!

So here’s what we’re going to do. We’re going to encourage you Laughspinners to e-mail Ben & Jerry’s PR dude — sean.greenwood (at) benjerry (dot) com — and encourage them to make several more batches of Schweddy Balls. We’re also going to give away five Ben & Jerry coupons so that you can snag yourself a free pint of Schweddy Balls. All you need to do is email us at contest (at) laughspin (dot) com with the subject line “Schweddy Balls” and explain to us how you plan on consuming your pint of Schweddy Balls. Be as graphic as you’d like.

We’ll post our favorite ones and reward those peeps with a free pint. (You’ll also have to leave your mailing address so we know where to send your prize). Good luck!

About the Author

Dylan P. Gadino

Dylan is the founder and editor in chief of Laughspin. He launched Punchline Magazine in 2005 (which became Laughspin in the summer of 2011) with childhood friend Bill Bergmann. Dylan lives in northern New Jersey with his wife and two sons. He hopes the Shire is real.

  • Jim Pharr

    got my coupon today! thanks!

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