Aries: The Aries sign has something to do with rams, so, this week I think it’s important for you to find and kill a real ram, and then wear the carcass of its head as a hat for the entire weekend, ESPECIALLY on Saturday night. Get ready, you’re about to make some new and exciting friends.
Taurus: Man or woman, straight or gay, you’re really going to get deep into cock this week. It’ll be all you think about. You’ll want to grab it, sniff it, lick it, slap the tip of it, and, sometimes, just wiggle it around for a few minutes. Your lucky food is the BLT.
Gemini: The Gemini sign is a very masculine sign, so, even if you’re a woman, you’re into women. I don’t care if you think you’re a heterosexual woman; deep down you’re not. Every Gemini woman in the world is a lesbian. Case closed. Fact. End of discussion. This week, you need to decide if you’re a boob man, or an ass man. I’m talking to you, ladies.
Cancer: Cancers are very stubborn. Or maybe that’s Taurus? Anyway, you’re stubborn, and that’s problematic this week when someone tells you that you should never play with fire, and you decide that “they’re not the boss of you” and that you’re “not gonna do anything BUT play with fire from now on.” On Saturday, after three days of several, horrible situations involving third-degree burns and permanent hair loss, you’re finally going to slowly burn yourself to death.
Leo: Don’t drive this week. You’re focus is all out of whack, and you’re probably going to hit someone, especially if you’re a good driver and have never been in an accident. And avoid uncooked, frozen beef this week, especially if you go ahead and decide to still drive. It’ll make you sick, as it would any other week. And, it’s VERY hard to chew. Your lucky monkey is the rhesus monkey.
Libra: Canned food. Eat nothing but canned food from now through Sunday afternoon. Everything that goes into your pie hole really needs to come from a can, and needs to be heavily saturated with preservatives. Have your doctor check your cholesterol levels next Monday. You’re gonna blow his Goddamn mind. And yes, I said “his.” Women doctors aren’t real this week. Or, any other week.
Scorpio: Stare at people’s privates a lot, too obviously, and for way too long this week. I’m curious to see what’ll happen. Your lucky espresso drink is the Irish creme iced latte.
Sagittarius: Start wearing really tight, super bright, polyester clothes this week. And either snakeskin or alligator skin boots. You’re gonna want extra attention from strangers for some reason, and I think this is a surefire way to get it. Just be sure to stay away from shooting ranges. Dressed like that, you’re asking for someone to snap and fire at you.
Capricorn: This week, I want you to find out what a Capricorn is. I feel like I should know, but, my WiFi is down right now, and I don’t own any astrology books. Let me know when you get a chance.
Aquarius: You need to get a lot better at fighting this week. Those ninjas that’ve been hanging around your neighborhood aren’t going away any time soon. They want to talk to you, and the only language they speak is fists-to-the-face. Stock up on protein powder.
Pisces: Rent a crab boat, hire an old drunk sea captain with a long, dirty white beard and a limited vocabulary comprised mostly of curse words and muttered insults, and take to the Arctic Sea this week in search of finding yourself, and, more importantly, finding several tons of delicious snow crabs. And, don’t go near the railing when that deckhand with the bad eye is lurking around. He’s spent too many nights alone with his thoughts on the high seas, and most of his thoughts involve throwing people overboard. Your lucky crab is the blue crab.