Aries: Two thousand salamanders are going to crawl up through your pipes and into your bath tub early Friday morning. Together, in perfect harmony, they are going to sing the greatest rendition of “Swing Low, Sweet Chariot” the world has ever heard. You’ll weep. Mostly you’ll cry because you just cleaned the bath tub with bleach, and all of those salamanders will die horrible, horrible deaths in front you. Your lucky fragrance is Brut.
Taurus: Don’t play your guitar any more. You have no rhythm, you’re tone deaf, and, your guitar is actually a ukelele, you ignorant shit. Your lucky dog is the Pekingese.
Gemini: Good news! Zombies are going to invade your home– not because they want to eat your brains, but, because they’re huge fans! They’ll give you neck rubs, clean your toilets, re-stock your pantry, and, most importantly, listen to your feelings. Bad news: They’re starving, and are going to eat the brains of every guest you ever have over. Your lucky percussion instrument is the djembe drum.
Cancer: On Wednesday, you’re gonna want to find either a pirate’s costume, or a construction worker’s tool belt and hard hat. Why? You’re changing careers! Get ready to join the lucrative, fulfilling world of male exotic dancing!!! Fuck yeah!!! By Saturday, you’ll be so used to fat Midwestern administrative assistants sneaking in cock grabs at bachelorette parties you’ll no longer feel the sting of what used to be your dignity. Your lucky fruit is the Asian pear. (If you’re Cancer, and, not a dude, you’re gonna have to get a full sex change on Tuesday. You HAVE to. I can’t stress that enough).
Leo: James Gandolfini is gonna really want to sell you his boat. Don’t buy it. $135,000 for an ’84 Spindrift Sedan Cruiser? Really?? I know he hasn’t worked consistently for the last couple of years, but, he’s still sitting on a pile of Sopranos money, so don’t buy a ticket to his pity party. It’s not worth a penny more than $80,000, even if he really did bang Christopher Walken’s niece on the poop deck, which he didn’t. Your lucky boat is the ’84 Spindrift Sedan Cruiser.
Virgo: Monday through Friday, I want you to spend at least 14 hours a day quickly spinning around and around in tight circles in the living room. I’m not sure what’s going to happen on the weekend, but, I hope it involves a head wound and a lot of vomit. Your lucky weird musician is Rob Zombie.
Libra: Would you have sex with the world’s ugliest woman if she had the world’s sweetest vagina? Yes. Once on Wednesday, twice on Thursday, not at all on Friday and Saturday because you have a friend in town, and seven times on Sunday. She may look like she’s half-goat/half-orangutan, but that pussy’s all smooth velvet. Marry her. Secretly. our lucky chromosome is X. (If you’re a woman, you’re going to have a nice dinner on Wednesday, and the rest of the week will be mediocre and forgetful).
Scorpio: Focus on yourself this week. Really indulge yourself in the essence that is you. Light a bunch of candles. Buy one of those massage chairs that you have to plug in that you make fun of but secretly want. And, most importantly, get over your fear, go to the pet store, buy one of those rabbits with the creepy red eyes, and love it like you’ve never loved anything before. Your lucky chronic pain condition is arthritis.
Sagittarius: Eat as much chocolate as you can get your hands on this week. It tastes great, and your going to forget to eat all of next month, so you’re gonna need the fat storage. And, start re-reading the Harry Potter series of books. They’re not literary gold, but, I dare you not to feel a little better about yourself and the world when you set those books down each night. Your lucky electronics brand is JVC. Yep. They’re still around.
Capricorn: Invest in prints of Pomeranians and red roses. You won’t feel good buying them, but you’ll feel great selling them to lonely old ladies who pay top dollar for that sappy horse shit. Your lucky adjective is “communistic.”
Aquarius: Go to a nice Italian restaurant this weekend and only order Mexican food. The waiter is going to get really annoyed, and then extremely angry. DO NOT let up. He’s supposed to tell you something really important, and he won’t be able to remember what that is until he starts punching your face and neck in a blind rage. Your lucky lucky is lucky.
Pisces: The world’s sweetest six week old puppy is going to show up at your door late Tuesday night. Give it lots of love, food, water and attention and it’ll love you unconditionally until the day it dies. Give it anything less and it’ll burrow into your colon and slowly but surely eat it’s way out of your chest cavity. There’s a reason no one wants this little monster. Your lucky two-digit number is seven.