Aries: Congratulations! This week you’re going to be Arsenio Hall! Your lucky color is mauve.
Taurus: Like riding bulls? Not so much? Well tough shit, Taurus! Sometimes the bull needs to ride the bull. This week you’re going to be forced to join a local rodeo circuit, and, if you can’t hang on to an amphetamine-injected brick of angry beef for at least eight seconds, Bill Murray is going to break both of your legs. Nothing will make sense this week. Nothing. Your lucky Stevie Ray Vaughn is Jack White.
Gemini: People have been talking behind your back for months about your poor choices in shoes and hygiene. On Thursday, you’re going to shut the world up with some bangin’ new Chuck Taylor’s that you soaked overnight in a mixture of cheap cologne and spray-on antiperspirant. Get ready to make some new friends! Your lucky profanity is “cockslap.”
Leo: On Wednesday you’re going to realize that you’re not, nor have you ever been, Steven Seagal’s doppelganger. You know absolutely nothing about Martial Arts, you can’t kill eight men at one time with a pool stick, your pony tail is weak and you’re not nearly as creepy with women as Segal is. I’m sorry. Don’t worry, on Friday you’ll have a root beer float so good you’ll never think about Steven again. Your lucky root beer float has chocolate ice cream instead of vanilla. I dare you to not blow your mind on that shit.
Virgo: Do you like aquariums? I hope so, because Thursday at midnight you’re going to wake up trapped in one. It turns out that weirdo that’s been leaving you crazy voice mails isn’t just talking tough. Your lucky necessity is oxygen.
Libra: You’re going to discover your soul mate this week, which is fantastic if you’re looking for your soul mate. For you married Libras, this is going to be the best/worse week of your life. You can abandon your family and feel a love whose depth you didn’t think possible before, or, you can stay at home and create wonderful family memories when you’re not sneaking into the bathroom to cry. Your lucky suicide prevention tool is some very weak rope.
Scorpio: Focus entirely on Legos and gin and tonics this week. I’m excited to see what you can build, and so is the magical woodchuck that peeks out of your belly button from time to time. Your lucky drug is LSD.
Sagittarius: You have two choices this week– start a cult or join one. Either way, it’s important to get John Stamos on board. He’s incredibly charming and charismatic. Your lucky resource is John Stamos.
Capricorn: Grow a full beard by Friday and stop wasting my goddamn time, Capricorn. I’m tired of your shit, and so is everybody else. Your lucky horoscope is: grow a beard by Friday.
Aquarius: I’m busy. Don’t bother me this week.
Pisces: People don’t generally find rubber chickens funny or interesting. Well, you’re going to change that this week by dressing rubber chickens up as clowns, and then dressing up as a clown, yourself that’s wearing a giant rubber chicken suit over its clown suit, wearing a real chicken covered in rubber as a helmet. I’m not sure if anyone will laugh, but they’re going to be interested. They’re going to be very interested. Your lucky impossibility is telekinesis.