Aries: I hope you like Bailey’s Irish Cream this week, because you’re gonna run through two cases of it by Thursday. Why? Because on Tuesday, an old school series of double dog challenges will go way to far, and you have more pride than intelligence. Luckily, you’ll never drink it again after Friday, mostly because you’ll probably be dead. Your new favorite fabric is polyester.
Taurus: It’s really important that you dress up like Johnny Depp playing Hunter S. Thompson in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, and then head to Vegas this weekend and do as many drugs as you can get your hands on. This has nothing to do with astrology and everything to do with anarchy. Millions of drugged up characters descending on that den of sin will bring that modern day Gomorrah to its knees. Your favorite Friend is Joey.
Gemini: Drop whatever you’re doing on Thursday, buy some knee-high wading boots, a cammo jacket, overalls, and a netback hat that says, “I’m the Boss!” Then, head into the woods with a lunch box full of bologna sandwiches, Almond Joy bars, and Raspberry Capri Suns, and try your hardest to find a Sasquatch. It’s not going to be easy, mostly because they’re not real, but, I need to know I can trust you to listen to me. Your favorite Sasquatch is Vin Diesel.
Leo: Watch Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom over and over as many times as you can by Friday. It’ll help you prepare for how to deal with the hundreds of witch doctor-y, Indian bad guys that are going to try and pull your still-beating heart out of your chest on Saturday. Sunday’s going to be beautiful. Sunny and warm with a slight breeze. I hope you live to see it. Your favorite weapon is the bull whip.
Virgo: This morning I had a Hell of a time getting an eyelash out of my eye, and, I think it means you’re going to go completely blind by Thursday. Friday at the latest. But don’t quote me on any of that. Your favorite monkey is the Rhesus.
Libra: Get ready for a lot fewer friends and a lot more cardiovascular endurance! You’re getting roller blades this week!!! Your favorite felon is Tim Allen.
Scorpio: God knows you’ve always wanted to swim with dolphins, and this week it’s finally going to happen. Unfortunately, these dolphins are sociopathic assholes who will stop at nothing to try and drown you when not constantly biting off small pieces of flesh with their small, insanely sharp teeth. Your favorite prayer is “Dear God it hurts so much!! Why have you forsaken me!?!?!? Ow!Ow!!! Aaaarghh! !!! Just drown me you evil chittering fuck! No, no, no!!! WHY?????????”
Sagittarius: Tomorrow you’re going to make the wooden jack-in-the-box you saw in your dreams last night. You’re going to spend the rest of the week trying to figure out how to get your soul back out of that Maple demon. Good luck. Your favorite cartoon is no longer Pinocchio.
Capricorn: Call the police at least 30 times a day every day this week, and every time, apologize and say you accidentally dialed the wrong number. It’s not illegal to be stupid. By Wednesday the friends you invited over to listen to this nonsense on speakerphone are going to be having the time of their lives. Your favorite newspaper is USA Today.
Aquarius: Put on a trench coat, head down to the grocery store, and buy every jar of peanut butter, and every can of tuna fish they have in stock. Then, when you check out, mumble a lot about androids, water purification tablets, and enough ammo to outlast the Lizard Men. It’s important not to let society get too comfortable. Your favorite cupcake is red velvet.
Pisces: You’re going to eat hallucinogenic mushroom cookies and make love to me for two hours this week. For one of those hours, I’m going to think your vagina is a sea anemone, and it’s going to be the sexiest thought anyone’s ever communicated to you. You’ll think your butt is a flower, and that I’m a bee, and I’m going to cum colors into your sea pussy. It’s gonna be incredible. Your favorite bracelet is a brown leather strap.