Aries: This week Mercury is getting caught up in Jupiter’s orbit, or gravitational field, or some shit– which, I’m pretty sure, means that chocolate is going to taste like caramel from now through the Winter Solstice. And, you may or may not win the lottery this week. 13, 29, 129,234,887, Tigers, 4.
Taurus: Pistachio nuts are going to be very important to you for awhile. They’re a good source of both protein and fat, and, in tandem with a wrist-rocket sling shot, they are an effective self-defense weapon. You’ll put all three attributes to good use late Wednesday night when you’re holed up in your attic with nothing but that sling shot, a 20-pound bag of pistachios, a bucket of rain water, and your wits to defend yourself against somewhere between 20 and 100 gremlin/demon/undead raccoon looking thingies desperate to feast upon your vital organs. 7, 12, 45, 897,498,894,329, Lane Bryant, 21.
Gemini: You and Don Johnson are going to form a private investigation team and fight crime all week in and around Miami. You’ve got your work cut out for you as Don is much older, fatter, grumpier, and slower than his days as a fake undercover detective who’s never actually done real police work. On the plus side, he still has the best 5 o’clock shadow on God’s green Earth. 33,44,89, 98, Crockett, 45.
Cancer:: I don’t care how much it costs or how impossible it sounds, I want you to dedicate yourself this week to ripping through box after box after box of Cracker Jacks and checking the prizes until you find a real diamond of no less than two carats. And then, once it’s yours, ask the first living thing you see to marry you. THIS is how you find your soul mate. 22, 34, 22, 34, 22, 34, 22, 34, 22, 34, Hank Aaron.
Leo: I really want you to track and down and fuck a lion this week. A wild one. When things get scary, and, I assure you, they will, remember this: legends are made, not born, and fucking a wild lion is very, very legendary. 23, 45, Theo Von, 69, 790,789,560.
Libra: Don’t get on a plane this week unless you want yourself and everyone on it to die a fiery, horrific death. And don’t get in a car unless you want to get hit by a plane. And don’t walk around unless you want to look sad and scared and poor. 2, 1, 99, Almond Joy, 43, 888.
Scorpio: Mel Gibson’s going to start following you on Twitter this week. He’s going to send you tons of direct messages about how witty and funny you are, and he’s going to favorite at least ten of your tweets, but, he’s not going to retweet one Goddamn thing to his followers, so what the fuck good is he to you? Fuck Mel Gibson. You’ll be pissed that, after all the crazy shit he’s done in recent years, you actually liked him again in The Beaver, and you were flattered by his recent compliments. 21, 999,999,998, 4, Banana Republic.
Sagittarius: Why would you even think about jumping in a kiddie pool filled with water moccasins, black widow spiders, and two wild boars? On Friday, I hope your surviving family members have some answers for me. 12, 3, Skittles, 34.
Capricorn: As soon as you’re done masturbating Tuesday morning, I want you to start masturbating again, and again, and again, and again, immediately starting after finishing each time, not stopping for food, water, or toilet breaks, until the clock strikes midnight. Then write me a letter telling me what it was like, using, as ink, the blood from what’s left of your genitals. 33, 456, 879, 987,888, Chapstick, 33.
Aquarius: I want you to finally hire a swimming instructor and learn proper backstroke technique this week. It’s embarrassing to watch you. 22, 44, 56, 999, 78, 321, labradoodle, 1.
Pisces: This week you’re going to host a book club meeting and serve delicious pork lime tacos to everyone. And by everyone, I mean only girls. Seriously!! If I find out you’re talking about books with some dude acting all in touch with his softer side trying to weasel his way into your sweet panties, I’m going to murder you both. Equality, double standards, desire versus covet – blah, blah, blah. You’re ass is mine, woman. Get used to it. 12, 34, 56, don’t do it, 32.
You can catch Dan at these fine comedy establishments the coming weeks:
11/2-3: Washington DC Improv
11/5: Puck Live– Phila., PA
11/17-20: Omaha Funny Bone
12/2-3: Wiseguy’s Comedy Club– West Valley, UT
12/7-10: Joey’s Comedy Club– Detroit
12/28-31: Cracker’s Comedy Club– Indianapolis, IN