Aries: On Thursday, at dawn, you’re going to literally shit yourself to death. Or, you’ll have the most powerful orgasm of your life and see the face of God. It’s a cosmic coin toss.
Taurus: Don’t look anyone in the eye this week unless you want to turn to stone. You left the new Clash of the Titans in your DVD player long enough for Medusa to crawl out of your TV and begin hunting you. Always read the fine print, you dope.
Gemini: I hope you like Clint Eastwood, because he’s moving in with you this week. Not just into your house, either. Into your bed. Sure it’s rude for him to tell you to sleep on your own couch and gratuitously hit on various family members, but, what are you going to do? He’s the Man with No Name for God’s sake. And, who can resist whatever that scratchy voice requests?
Cancer:: Jeremy Irons is going to finger one of your parents on Saturday morning, right after breakfast. I’m sorry.
Leo: Good news! You’re getting a new house on Wednesday! Bad news! Someone will tear it down on Friday! Better news! Someone else will rebuild it bigger and better on Saturday! Weird news! It’s made out of nothing but red and gray Legos.
Virgo: Calm down. The headaches you’ve been having are not symptoms of a brain tumor. They’re just headaches. The blurred vision, however, isa symptom of your brain tumor. Take some Advil for the headaches, and best of luck with the other thing.
Libra: Wow. This is awkward. It turns out your mom’s right, after all. No one will ever love you. Oh, and your mom is going to start dating Orlando Bloom this week. When it rains, it pours.
Scorpio: Handy with a crossbow? No? Well then you better work on your cardio this week, because Dolph Lundgren is VERY familiar with a crossbow, and he seems to think you two are involved in a crossbow duel to the death. The truth doesn’t matter. That crazy Swede does everything BUT listen to reason.
Sagittarius: I need you to do two things, and two things only this week. Chug a tall glass of Ovaltine EXACTLY three times a day, and, more importantly, shut the fuck up.
Capricorn: A friend of yours is going to cook a big batch of beef Stroganoff Wednesday night for dinner. Starting that night, I want you to talk about it a lot, and always pronounce if beef “STROKIN’-off” and then laugh at yourself loudly and abruptly, until you two are no longer on friendly terms. Think about how ridiculous it’s going to be for him to explain why you two no longer talk.
Aquarius: Gay or not, you’re coming out of the closet this week, and telling your parents. And, in some cases, your wives, husbands, and children. After fornicating with a member of the same sex no less than three times, you can go back to whatever you were doing before, unless you were having sex with animals. That’s not okay, ever, even if it’s with a super sexy golden retriever with soft, silky fur that smells like lavender and real love. God, I’m hard right now.
Pisces: Hope you like having the 24-hour flu, because this week you’re gonna have it for 96 hours! Coca-Cola, minestrone soup, and DayQuil are going to be your best friends, and then, a few hours later, your worst enemies when they tornado their way through your colon like a ninja kicking his way out of a paper mâché outhouse. Friday night, you’ll literally hear your butthole beg for mercy.
You can catch Dan at these fine comedy establishments the coming weeks:
11/17-20: Omaha Funny Bone
12/2-3: Wiseguy’s Comedy Club– West Valley, UT
12/7-10: Joey’s Comedy Club– Detroit
12/28-31: Cracker’s Comedy Club– Indianapolis, IN