Aries: On Tuesday, I want you to stop paying taxes. Like, forever. I’m curious to see how well this works out for you before I try it. Oh, and I almost forgot – a samurai is going to step out of a time machine on Saturday, crack open a can of whoop ass, and lay some serious hurt upon you. Your favorite Corey Haim quote is “Have you seen a TV, Mike? I haven’t seen a TV. Do you know what it means when there’s no TV? – No MTV!” – Lost Boys
Taurus: Tuesday we’re starting the revolution and declaring war on the U.S. Government. And by “we” I mean “you.” Grab your favorite hunting rifle, drive to Washington DC, find the U.S. Senate, and make it fucking happen. Don’t worry, you won’t be alone; Halle Berry is waiting for you and ready for action. And by “Halle Berry” I mean “Secret Service Agents” and by “ready for action” I mean “they’re going to kill you.” Your favorite Corey Haim friend also named Corey is Corey Feldman.
Gemini: Wednesday, you better walk into your local grocery store and eat every single potato chip they have in stock before being stopped by the manager– unless you actually want the Devil to spirit-rape your favorite aunt and uncle. Too crazy for you? Doesn’t make any sense? This is some deep astrology/science shit I’m dropping on you, motherfucker, and if you can’t handle it, maybe Southern Baptist is a little more your speed. Your favorite Corey Haim ex-girlfriend is Alyssa Milano.
Leo: I want you to think a lot about the Boston Red Sox this week. What do they mean to you? ow do you really feel about Josh Beckett? Do you think their uniforms are comfortable looking? Are their wieners collectively bigger than the Yankees’ wieners? No question is off limits. Your favorite Corey Haim earring is the dangly cross.
Virgo: Remember that old commercial that asks how many licks does it take to get the middle of a Tootsie Pop? Well, Monday through Friday you better find out, because on Saturday a crazy hobo is going to approach you in a dark alley with a knife and that exact question, and, if you don’t get it right, he’s going to cut your Goddamn tongue out. Your favorite Corey Haim after-the-credits-roll-down cameo is 20 seconds of Sam in Lost Boys 2.
Libra: Sell all your earthly possessions today and buy the best helicopter you can afford tomorrow. Figure out how to get to the jungle around Northern Peru just south of the Napo River. There’s some Incan ruins there that I’d like you to live in for awhile. Just maybe like six months. Nothing crazy. The fresh air will do you some good, and, I think I left my watch there. Really look around the temple, especially behind the altar. And, those skeletons were there when I got there. Seriously. Thanks a ton. Your favorite Corey Haim Canadian family-orientated sitcom is The Edison Twins.
Scorpio: Don’t watch the Smurfs this week. Not once. It doesn’t hold the test of time, and, I don’t like to see you disappointed. And don’t take a hammer to your genitals. I also don’t like to see you with flat, mangled genitals. Finally, you shouldn’t drink so much. You’re better than that, buddy. Your favorite Corey Haim is Corey Haim.
Sagittarius: This is going to be a really tough week. Your going to start splitting your time between Madison, Wisconsin and Austin, Texas, which is unfortunate, because overly emotional, melodramatic, über-liberal, vegan, dreadlocked, over-educated hippy fucks are your least favorite kind of people. Your favorite Corey Haim character getting his ass kicked by a girl in a Jason Statham sequel is Randy in Crank: High Voltage.
Capricorn: Get ready for intense paranoia on Wednesday as your paranoid schizophrenia begins to manifest itself, and you self-medicate with marijuana which really, REALLY doesn’t help at all. Your favorite actor playing an old college professor trying to enter a meditative state with his elderly wife so they can stay in love in another plane of existence forever in a Corey Haim movie is Jason Robards in Dream a Little Dream.
Pisces: Don’t like door-to-door salesmen? What about door-to-door chimps dressed in business suits selling bootleg DVDs for no more than $5 each? No less than a 1,000 of these monkeys are going to knock on your door over the weekend. Make sure your camera’s battery is fully charged. This is going to make for one helluva Facebook album. Your favorite Corey Haim slow clap scene is the end of Lucas, when he gets his own Letterman’s Jacket. RIP, Corey Haim.
You can catch Dan at these fine comedy establishments the coming weeks:
12/2-3: Wiseguy’s Comedy Club– West Valley, UT
12/7-10: Joey’s Comedy Club– Detroit
12/28-31: Cracker’s Comedy Club– Indianapolis, IN