Aries:: It’s important to focus on family this week– other people’s families, real and on television. Watch every episode of Family Ties, All in the Family, and the Partridge Family you can find from right now until Friday at 5 pm. Then, take what you’ve learned, walk into a neighbor’s home, sit down at their dinner table, let them know that you’ve decided to make family first, and that you’ll never leave them or put priorities in front of them, even if they demand you get the Hell out of their house. I’m proud of you.
Taurus: Vitamin C is really good for you, which is why I think you should eat 100 oranges and/or grapefruits every day this week. It’s flu season. And, while I don’t know much about nutrition, I am quite fond of you, and I want to see you healthy and happy.
Gemini: I can’t remember the last time five cranked-up Orangutans broke out of a freighter cargo bin and used crude tools such as a screwdriver and an oak branch to beat you within an inch of your life, but, I have a feeling I’m going to remember your bloody morning on Thursday for a long time.
Cancer:: Learn to speak Mandarin Chinese this week. That’s all I can tell you right now, Cancer. These Triads pointing a gun at my head say they’ll pass along more information to pass along to you on Sunday. And keep doing your crunches. It’s the only thing keeping you from back surgery, and you’re too young to fuse any vertebrae just yet.
Leo: Grab a fake badge and police costume when you get off work, and start interrogating strangers about a missing girl. It might not happen this week, or this month, or, even this year, but, eventually, you really will find one, and the charade will be worth it. It’s a numbers game.
Virgo: Carjacking is so yesterday. This week, I want you to start rollerblade-jacking. That’s right, run up to people on rollerblades, pull a gun on them, force them off their rollerblades, and then put them on and skate away. In order to consistently pull this off, you need to focus on two things: remaining calm in a high-pressure, really funny situation, and, only targeting victims with feet at least as big as yours.
Libra: Cut off your left hand, duct tape an active hornet’s nest to the stump, put on a hawk mask and a trench coat, walk into random bars and scream “the darkness will soon swallow you all!!!!”, laugh like a maniac, and then, around ten o’clock, call it a night. You’ve stirred up the pot quite enough for awhile.
Scorpio: I don’t know if a mashed potato/cheese curd sandwich would taste good or not, but, I think it’ll be fun for you to leave your family this week, invest all of your assets into a mashed potato/cheese curd truck, and find out.
Sagittarius: Ryan Reynolds is gonna sleep with every member of your immediate family this week, and none of them are going to be able to stop talking about his six-pack abs, or how he’s underrated as an actor because he’s so handsome. Friday you’re going to attempt suicide, but, you’re not gonna die. You’re going to be saved by Ryan Reynolds.
Aquarius: Hop on Michael Bolton’s back, grab whatever’s left of his hair, and ride him around like a scared horse as many times as possible this week. And have a friend video tape it. Get ready to be an Internet sensation.
Pisces: The good news this week is that you’re going to finish that screenplay, and, it’s going to be incredible. The bad news is that you’ve decided maybe it’s not the best idea you’ve ever had to spend the rest of your life with someone who’s lactose intolerant, but, unfortunately, they’ve already bought you a ring and you’re too good of a person to hand it back over a gassy stomach. Horrible… constant… relentless… eye-watering gas.
You can catch Dan at these fine comedy establishments in the coming weeks:
12/2-3: Wiseguy’s Comedy Club– West Valley, UT
12/7-10: Joey’s Comedy Club– Detroit
12/28-31: Cracker’s Comedy Club– Indianapolis, IN