Aries:: A gypsy woman might steal your soul on Wednesday. OR, it’s going to be unusually warm and sunny. Your new word is abhorrent. You are abhorrent to me.
Taurus: Love is the most intoxicating drug in the world, especially combined with ecstasy and hallucinogenic mushrooms. Have a great time with your stay-cation! Your new word is banal. Your life is normally very banal.
Gemini: Dance this week. As fast as you can, for as long as you can, as hard as you can, and don’t you dare quit on me. Not when I need you most. Your new word is popinjay. Everyone thinks you are a popinjay.
Cancer:: Teach a wild animal to either talk or do basic arithmetic this week. Shooting for both would just be ridiculous, and I don’t want to stress you out. Your new word is zorse, and I want you to find and ride one on Thursday.
Leo: Take at least 100 hits of acid today, and then tell me what my star-a-scope is. How did you really think this shit works? Your new word is idiopathy, and you’re going to come down with several by the weekend.
Virgo: A black bear riding on top of a grizzly bear riding on top of a polar bear being pulled on a sled by 12 panda bears is going to give you the stink eye on Friday. Don’t stare back – he is fucking CRAZY. Your new word is kendo, and you better figure out what it means before that samurai finds you.
Libra: Don’t date any Virgos this week. They are feeling super molest-y lately. Your new word is jackfish, and, your mom smells like one.
Scorpio: Get a tattoo of your astrological sign this week. No one’s ever thought of doing that before, and I know how original and unique you like to feel. Your new word is madcap. You’re a real madcap. It’s why most people can’t stand you.
Sagittarius: It’s not in your head. That cat from across the street really has been watching you, and, it really does have human eyes. Cree…Py. Your new word is rale, and, you have one. And here I thought the Whooping Cough was a thing of the past.
Capricorn: The good news this week is that aliens really do exist, which you’ve suspected for quite some time, and, they’re going to contact you. The bad news is that they’re not going to contact anyone else, and they’re going to harass you and the people around you relentlessly until even you think you’re crazy. Your new word is tactless, and no other word more precisely defines the way your aunt lives her life.
Aquarius: You smell like mercury this week. ase up on sushi. Too much of anything is bad for you. Your new word is abominate. Good people abominate everything you stand for.
Pisces: You need to get naked as often as possible this week, and stand by your window at night, and make sure the blinds are open, and not move around too quickly – there’s something wrong with my camera’s autofocus. Your new word is buttress, and I like it because it makes me think of your butt under a dress.
You can catch Dan at these fine comedy establishments in the coming weeks:
12/7-10: Joey’s Comedy Club– Detroit
12/28-31: Cracker’s Comedy Club– Indianapolis, IN