Aries: Alternate every 15 minutes between drinking lots of coffee laced with laxatives, and washing big chunks of cheese down with Pepto Bismol. You need to toughen up, and a week of this daily 9 to 5 regiment should do the trick.
Taurus: Don’t wear hats this week. They don’t make your giant head look any smaller or less out of proportion with your skinny neck. The right haircut is where your focus needs to be, and it’s not going to be easy to pretty up that watermelon noggin’ you’re stuck with, so you shouldn’t waste any time.
Gemini: Find a poisonous frog by Friday and lick it no less than three times. If you live, you’ll know you’re destined for greatness. Or, you’ll know you have a special, built-in immunity to poison frogs, which is an invaluable asset should you choose to become an assassin– which you will by Sunday. If you die, well, I’m guessing it’ll hurt quite a bit. I’ve never heard a lot of good things said about being poisoned.
Cancer: Clip your toenails today. I don’t care if you don’t wear sandals, or if you’ve been busy, or, if you always sleep alone. We both know your self-esteem is in the dumps, and it can’t hurt things to scale back those wolf claws you’ve been rocking under those worn-out tube socks.
Leo: I need you to operate under the mental reality that Jesus is back, and that he’s assumed the shape of Willie Nelson this week. That’s right. Willie Nelson… IS GOD. The world is going to make so much more sense. You might want to keep thinking this for the rest of the year.
Virgo: Your parents are going to sit you down and talk to you this week about homosexuality. They’re not going to tell you they think you’re gay. They’re going to tell you they know THEY’RE gay. That’s right. No more siblings. At least now you know why they always brought friends along on family vacations. Oh, and your dad’s not a pilot. He’s a flight attendant. I’m sorry.
Libra: Do you like fighting? I sure hope so. Because on Friday, between noon and midnight, every living creature you encounter is going to viciously attack you. Get ready to rumble!!! And stay away from zoos and biker bars if you want any hope to make it to the weekend.
Scorpio: It’s not your imagination. Every time you close your eyes, a spider really does dangle right in front of your face, and, every time you open your eyes, it disappears. It’s happening. Don’t let anyone, or any video camera, tell you different. That sorcerer was the real deal. Good luck staying sane this week.
Sagittarius: Tom Hanks hasn’t been feeling well lately. After all that he’s accomplished, he still can’t use his fame, money and power to convince his son to stop making bad hip-hop. That’s why he won’t leave your guest room. He just needs time. Give him chicken noodle soup and grilled cheese sandwiches with the crust removed three times a day, and, he’ll leave when he’s ready.
Capricorn: Stop talking about that parrot at the pet store. No one can hear it talk other than you, jackass. Yes, I know it’s cruel. I know it shouldn’t be so racist, or make fun of the owner’s cleft palette, or your inadequate genitalia. But, it can’t help it. It’s part of your subconscious, you nut job, and you’re a horrible, horrible person.
Pisces: Perfect. Guess who likes strawberry-frosted Dunkin’ Donuts? That’s right – you do!! Well, this is going to be the last week you can say that, because Clint Eastwood is going to bring 10,000 of them to your house, point a 12-gauge shotgun at your head, and demand that you swallow every single one of them by Sunday morning. He’s convinced it’s the only way he can open up a hole in the space-time continuum big enough for him to climb back to 1972. He’s old, he’s desperate, and despite his recent directing greatness, he’s bat-shit crazy.
Be sure to check out Dan Cummins’ new podcast Fired Up here!