Aries: Richard Gere is tired of the gerbil references. First off, it’s not true. Second, even if it was true, one crazy, private night with a gerbil isn’t anyone’s business other than Richard’s, the gerbil and whoever helped the gerbil up the illegal, anal gerbil sex tube. Third, no mammal that small should overshadow an acting career that big. He’s Dick Tracy for fuck’s sake. What does this have to do with you this week? Well, old Dick has decided that you and your fellow rams are the one’s perpetuating this urban legend, and he’s spent the last two decades assembling an underground army of cyborg ninjas good at two things, and two things only – wielding light sabers and exacting revenge. Stay away from sewer grates, caves, root cellars and any other possible subterranean gateways. Your lucky mammal is the Kudu.
Taurus: It’s important for you to think outside the box this week, mostly because there’s a high probability that you will be suffocated in a box this week. Your lucky mammal is any kind of mammal good at eating it’s way through a box in time for you to get fresh oxygen – like a badger, or a box-weasel.
Gemini: Musical theater is going to be incredibly important for you this weekend, which is unfortunate, because musical theater is objectively awful. Seven homosexual theater critics are going to kidnap you Friday morning in a desperate attempt to force feed their insane love for sappy show tunes into your head via a Stockholm Syndrome type relationship in order to keep theater alive for subsequent generations. Sunday night they’ll come to their senses and release you. I only hope you’re strong enough to realize that you really don’t like South Pacific. They got to you! They really did. Your lucky mammal is the warthog. It hates theater, too.
Cancer: Tai Chi is sooooo important this week. I’m not sure what Tai Chi is, but, I want you to really focus on it. Especially on the Chi part. Most of Tai Chi is the Chi stuff– of that, I’m pretty sure. It’s the part that Jedi’s use. Or ninjas. Or maybe even pirates and/or samurais. The Tai part’s gonna mostly come in handy on Wednesday. Or maybe Friday. Or maybe not at all. Your lucky mammal is the mammal kind of alligator.
Leo: Lower back pain may be a real issue this weekend. You haven’t been doing your stretches, you’ve completely left core strength out of your workout regiment, and, you’re a disgusting fat pig of a human. Grow up. Your lucky mammal is an old, fat Labrador that doesn’t listen to anyone and has outlived any usefulness.
Virgo: Yo Sandra Bernhard hasn’t had a memorable film role since King of Comedy opposite De Niro, and even that was box office flop. It’s incredible her name even registers on the public’s radar anymore, and she’s ran out of famous friends to piggy back her way into gossip magazines with. She’s desperate, and, for some reason, she sees you as her meal ticket back into the Hollywood Elite, which is unfortunate, because you and I both know you don’t know anyone in Hollywood. Get ready for your new friendship with this mercurial diva to get very ugly when she refuses to believe you can’t help her, and is convinced that you can, but just won’t help her. She’s going to try and kill a member of your immediate family, and, sadly, she’s going to get away with it. Even more sadly, this is the best week you’re going to have this month. Your lucky mammal is Sandra Bernhard.
Libra: Stay home this week. You’re really starting to get on everyone’s nerves. Your lucky mammal is the kind of mammal that stays at home and doesn’t ruin people’s days by telling one sad, boring story after another that no one wants to hear. (BTW, YOU are that mammal, you dumb bastard.)
Scorpio: You’re going to win over a million dollars on Thursday. This is great news for Gene Hackman, who knows you’ll do anything for him, and is going to ask to borrow over a million dollars on Friday, which you’ll do before realizing you still have to pay taxes on that money. On Saturday, you’re going to ask him to give you roughly $400,000 of your own money back to pay those taxes, and Gene’s gonna tell you he doesn’t have it right now. On Sunday, you’re going to see Gene driving around town in a brand new Bentley Mulsanne, and hear about him hitting the lake in his new Bayliner. Classic fucking Hackman. Classic. Your lucky mammal is the possum. It’s good at playing dead, just like the Hack. Damnit, he’s good
Sagittarius: Uh-oh. The tides are especially high on Saturn this week, or on Jupiter, or maybe Neptune, or whatever planet besides us in our solar system has tides. You know what that means, right? I actually don’t know what that means, but, I feel really good about you knowing that, and I think it’s great how smart you are. Maybe you should write your own horoscopes. Nobody likes a smarty-farty by the way, and this week, I hope someone knocks you off your high horse. Your lucky mammal is a high horse.
Aquarius: Damn it, Aquarius. Last week I didn’t think it was possible to feel even more intense, irrational hatred for you, but, this week, I do hate you more. I really do. I could help you this week. There’s a decision you’re going to need my assistance on this Thursday, and, I’m not going to give it to you. Fuck you, Aquarius. Your lucky mammal is any mammal that is currently dead. You’re dead to me this week.
Pisces: Perfect. You’re wonderful, Pisces. You really are. I love you. Unfortunately, both of the evil spirits dwelling inside the walls of your home also think you’re wonderful, also love you, and, are way more powerful than me. They’re going to torture you this week like nobody’s business. Stay strong. Next week, you’re going to find a piece of free candy, and I’d like to think that will kind of balance everything out. Your lucky mammal is the deer I hope to hunt next season.
Be sure to check out Dan Cummins’ new podcast Fired Up here!