Star-A-Scopes with Dan Cummins: Like horoscopes, but for people who aren’t stupid

By | February 21, 2012 at 2:24 pm | One comment | feature slider, Opinion | Tags: , ,

Aries:
Jeremy Piven is going to finger blast a member of your inner circle sometime before this weekend. Even worse, he’s not going to ask their permission. He’s going to talk ‘em into skinny dipping in his bad ass infinity pool, do the old, “Hey, what’s that?” followed by pointing over their shoulder, and then, when they turn their head, the blastin’s a gonna begin! Then, he’ll apologize profusely, mumble on about how some people don’t get his sense of humor, offer to buy them a car to keep ‘em quiet, then, go get you a drink, and then, as if he hasn’t already done enough, use his finger blastin’ finger to stir your drink. Yup, Piven’s gonna own you this week. For real.

Taurus:
Stop thinking about your girlfriend’s ex-boyfriends this week, and every week. She’s great for you, and, she can’t help having a past. You can’t have a great sex life if you’re with a nun you dipshit. Just look at it like she was practicing for you. Badly. She never really got it, or got into it, until you. Convince yourself that it’s far and away the best with you, that you’re an animal, and that you can literally fuck any past memories of sex with other lovers out of her head. It’s a lie, and silly, and immature, but, if you can believe it, you’ll be a lot happier.

geminiGemini:
Exciting discoveries await you Gemini. You’re going to have a dream where you discover a new solar system, where God himself actually dwells. And, you’re going to discover another solar system where the Devil and his minions reside. And you’re going to wake up and think about writing everything down before you forget, but then you won’t, because you’re lazy, and spiritually weak. Too bad, because that dream is really important, and totally real. It was a vision jackass. You were supposed to be a modern prophet, but, you’re going to blow it, and the rest of us are now gonna suffer needlessly for 1000 more years.

Cancer:
Friday morning you’re going to realize that the secret to being a good arm-wrestler lies in your back muscles and your forearm, not in your biceps. You’re not going to realize that almost no one over the age of 22 cares about arm wrestling. Have fun spending the next two years training really hard for a super competitive sport no one respects.

LeoLeo:
Leonardo DiCaprio is going to offer you a million dollars on Saturday to carry him every where he needs to go for a full month, piggyback style. And, of course, you’re going to agree, because, what’s a month, right? Well, you better figure out how to magically increase the strength and endurance or your core, buttocks, and leg muscles by about 10,000% idiot. What’s the point of having a million dollars if you can’t enjoy it because of the chronic pain emanating from your crushed discs, destroyed hip sockets, and bone spurs in your heels and knees? We’re not talking about What’s Eating Gilbert Grape? DiCaprio, when he was maybe, MAYBE a buck-thirty, and still a good person. We’re talking about rich, pompous, ego-maniacal Di-Fat-Prio, who’s only gonna demand more trips the second he detects pain and suffering from you. Now he needs to go back to 7-11 for some Zingers. And then, an hour later, he HAS to have a Cherry Dr Pepper. Then, an hour after that, all the sugar has given him a headache, and he Must get a hold of some Advil. Even worse, he knows they don’t carry it, but, he’s going to demand you carry him there anyway before then carrying him to CVS, then back home, then BACK to 7-11 for a six pack of Miller High Life and a Pepper flavored Jerky stick, because he can’t, he just CAN’T sleep without either. After medical bills and counseling, you’ll be lucky to have anything left from that million in 18 months.

VirgoVirgo:
Try and kill a carny this week. Seriously. Most of them don’t have families, and, none of them have souls. And drink a lot of Powerade. It’ll help you stay nice and hydrated for all the murder attempts, which tend to be physically strenuous.

LibraLibra:
Stop eating potato chips. You don’t really love the taste. You just eat them because you’re bored, and they make your skin oily, and they make your ass fat and undesirable. Sure, you do have a great personality, but, there’s a reason no man has ever really loved you, and that reason is BBQ Pringles.

ScorpioScorpio:
Start a Funny or Die channel based entirely on videos of Scorpions fighting praying mantises this week. Do über-serious commentary, and have them fight in a tiny 1:64 scale boxing ring, complete with tiny cutouts of celebrities watching the action. And make the tiny Rick Moranis’s head too big for his body and never explain it. Get ready for some immortal ratings, you’re about to dominate the web.

SaggitariusSagittarius:
I need you to eat a lot of spinach this week. It worked for Popeye, and I base most of my nutritional knowledge on early 20th century American cartoons. Go ahead, don’t listen. Let Bluto whoop your bitch ass. No skin off my back.

CapricornCapricorn:
Focus all your energy into either playing for, owning, or destroying an NBA team this week. If you can’t beat ‘em, and you can’t join ‘em, you can eventually go to jail for poisoning their catering, sending hookers to their hotel rooms to ruin their personal lives, and shooting their coach in the face with a high powered pellet gun.

AquariusAquarius:
You again. I talked to my astrology mentor about just eliminating this sign, but he said that the stars won’t allow it. He also said I should eat more tofu, get way more into yoga, and work on getting to the source of all my misplaced anger and rage. Douche. Fuck him. Anyways, you’re gonna have a good week. Happy? You’re gonna have great sex, and, receive an incredible financial opportunity. See, I don’t let personal agendas get in the way of objective, analytical astrological sign interpreting. Oh, and Jeremy Piven is gonna finger blast you. Bam!!!

PiscesPisces:
Your lover is going to say something incredibly stupid this week, just as this maniac does almost every week. Instead of getting mad, just start having more sex. Crazy sex. Just do whatever they want, even if it sounds really perverse, and, maybe even slightly uncomfortable. There’s some other stuff I need you to do this week, but, it’s hard for me to ask. I feel a conflict of interest, because, my girlfriend’s a Pisces. But seriously, really focus on fucking me, I mean your lover, whoever that may be, despite what I, I mean they, say or do this week.

Be sure to check out Dan Cummins’ new podcast Fired Up here!

About the Author

Dan Cummins

Dan Cummins @D_Cummins is a nationally headlining comedian with many network television appearances to his credit. His debut album Revenge is Near was released in 2009. Crazy With A Capital F, his Comedy Central hour special, DVD and album, was released in 2010. You can get more info at dancummins.tv.

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