Star-A-Scopes with Dan Cummins: Like horoscopes but with more Burt Reynolds

By | March 6, 2012 at 5:20 pm | No comments | feature slider, Features | Tags: , ,

Aries:
Burt Reynolds will knock on your neighbor’s door sometime this week, and drop off a dozen roses. Why is this important? Those roses were meant for you. That’s right, Burt “Cannonball Run” Reynolds’ 76 year-old heart still has Casanova blood beating through it, and he’s decided you are to be his new beau. Find him. Find Burt, explain to him the mistake he’s made, grab a Diet Dr. Pepper to help him wash down a Viagra, and do whatever he asks, even if he asks it in a rude, demeaning, callous tone, which, he probably will. I don’t care if you’re a man or a woman, or single or married. He didn’t star in The Longest Yard to get rejected by your average ass, and, if you can keep him happy for a few years, there’s a lot of money in it for you. Those Smokey and the Bandit movies took a toll on him, and he can’t make it much longer. Your lucky college mascot is the Southern Illinois Saluki (Carbondale Campus).

Taurus:
I want you to really polish your synthesizer skills this week and focus on getting a regular gig in a hotel lobby bar playing 80s and 90s power ballads. Go heavy on Richard Marx stuff. Always play “Right Here Waiting” twice. People can’t get enough of that song. You’ve been too full of yourself lately, and, I think a few months of this will teach you a little humility. Your lucky college mascot is the Gonzaga Bulldog.

Gemini:
Start manufacturing nutritional supplements from your home by no later than Friday. I don’t care what you know about nutrition or manufacturing, just make it happen. Dry out a bunch of different kinds of food, crush it into powder, and stuff various mixtures of the powders into gel caps. Market your concoction under some name like “Party Lightning” or “Fun Buzz.” Make sure on the ingredient list you say you have at least 300% of everything. And, be sure to sell it from a ship in international waters so the FDA can’t arrest you. Your lucky college mascot is the Scottsdale Community College Artichoke.

Cancer:
If you want to be a champion Greco Roman wrestler, you’re going to have to start training this week. Even if you don’t, you should still really think about training this week unless you want to be horribly abused by a champion Greco Roman wrestler, because, ready or not, Yuri Patrikeyev is coming for you. Your lucky college mascot is the Ohio Wesleyan Battling Bishop.

Leo:
Burt Reynolds still thinks he can fishtail a 1977 Pontiac Trans Am as well as he could 35 years ago and he is horribly, horribly wrong. Unfortunately for you this isn’t just his problem because he just mistakenly gave you a dozen roses intended for your neighbor, and, when he wanted to take you for a ride you didn’t have the heart to say no. Figure out how to get him out of the car in under two minutes, or, figure out how to get pieces of windshield and an old man’s mustache out of your skull. Your lucky college mascot is the Indiana University-Purdue University Fort Wayne Mastodon.

Virgo:
I know, I know, it was just a crazy dream you had a couple nights ago. However, training baby alligators to wear roller blades and helmets fitted with laser guns and selling them to gated housing communities as a cheaper and more reliable alternative to traditional security methods really isn’t such a wacky, silly idea. It’s forward looking and marketable. If you don’t do it, someone else will, and then how stupid will you feel? Your lucky college mascot is the University of Idaho Vandal.

Libra:
Buy three different dragon kites, tie them together, take them to the roof of the closest 10 to 20-story building you can find, jump off and hope for the best by no later than Monday. You’ve been needing to shake things up in your stale life for years, and this’ll do the trick. Your lucky college mascot is the Berklee College of Music Jazz Cat.

Scorpio:
Start collecting Benny Hill memorabilia this week. It’s unique enough that the odds are small you’ll ever run into another Benny Hill collector, but, known enough for people to be able to make comfortable conversation about it. Everyone needs a “thing,” an icebreaker for social gatherings, and now this is yours. You’re welcome! Your lucky college mascot is the Millersville University Marauder.

Sagittarius:
The sun is a little closer to the Earth this week which is a problem for you because your skin has thinned recently. You’re going to develop a number of lesions this week if you step even one foot outside. I’m not sure how serious they’ll be because I don’t know a lot about lesions, but, they definitely don’t sound pleasant. Rub a lot of various creams and lotions on your body several times a day to counteract the lesions. And don’t say “lesions” when you talk about them to people. It’s offputting. Your lucky college mascot is the Texas A&M – Kingsville Javelina.

Capricorn:
Apricots. Apricots are an integral part of your daily plans this week, and I can’t figure out why. Eat at least three a day, but, no more than six. And change your Internet passwords to something concerning apricots, like “apricotJack23”, or “StrawberryApricotMarmalader” or “RipeApricock69.” And be sure to draw a lot of pictures of apricots and make a mural in your basement with them that you stare at pensively as if you are trying to decode something very important. Your lucky college mascot is the University of California – Santa Cruz Banana Slug.

Aquarius:
Feel like getting stabbed in the neck for no reason this week? No? Well too bad! There’s a 93% chance that’s going to happen by Friday, Saturday around breakfast time at the latest. You’ll live, but, it’ll be very uncomfortable to look behind you and to the left for several years. Your lucky college mascot is the Wichita State University Shock of Wheat.

Pisces:
You’re going to hear a lot of Ray LaMontagne this week, which is great, but, it’s going to be sung by Burt Reynolds, which is not great. Don’t get me wrong, he has an amazing, manly voice, but, it doesn’t work for acoustic folk-rock. Even worse, he’ll be topless. He’s a long way from his 1972 nude Cosmopolitan centerfold days, but, try telling him that. If he actually listened to anyone, he’d be bigger than Clint Eastwood right now. I’m sorry. Your lucky college mascot is the Princeton Tiger.

Be sure to check out Dan Cummins’ new podcast Fired Up here!

About the Author

Dan Cummins

Dan Cummins @D_Cummins is a nationally headlining comedian with many network television appearances to his credit. His debut album Revenge is Near was released in 2009. Crazy With A Capital F, his Comedy Central hour special, DVD and album, was released in 2010. You can get more info at dancummins.tv.