Aries: Buy a 1983 Robin Egg Blue Chevrolet Citation, drop a V8 Chrysler Hemi 5.7 L under the hood, wear a turtleneck and thick glasses, and get ready to make a small, illegal fortune on the underground street race circuit. No one will see this coming, except, of course, for other Aries, who will also be doing it.
Taurus: Head to the batting cages and work on your home run swing. I don’t care how old you are, if you don’t follow your dream you’ll always regret it, and now, no matter what you may think to the contrary, your dream is to hit cleanup for the Minnesota Twins. You don’t need a long term contract, you just want a chance to hit a few walk offs. Eye on the ball, flip the wrists, and follow through…
Gemini: Several Eastern European assassins really have been waiting to take a shot at you for weeks. They have you confused with an actual American spy who has been attempting to dismantle their remaining nuclear infrastructure and costing them hundreds of millions of dollars. The bad news is that nothing you say will dissuade them from attempting to take your life, as your doppleganger has been doing nothing but lying to them for years. The good news is that you now definitely lead the most exciting life on your cul-de-sac. You make it through this, and Bob’s Jet Ski accident that took three of his fingers will no longer be the King of Stories at neighborhood barbecues.
Cancer: Your wife was wrong and you WERE right – that really was Sheila E in the convertible next to you at that stoplight last Thursday. However, your wife was right when she told you that the song isn’t “she wasn’t to lead, a GIRL’s life” – it’s “GLAMOROUS life”. Not sure what that has to do with what may happen to you this week, I just thought you deserved to know the truth.
Leo: Two strangers are going to try and get you into their vans this week. One van will contain duct tape, lube, and a shovel. The other will contain candy, frozen filet mignon steaks, and thousands of dollars for you to keep. If you feel like gambling, this is gonna be either the best, or worst week of your life. I’m pretty sure the bad van is dark blue. Or maroon. Or silver. Or an earth tone. Good luck.
Virgo: Nobody plays The Legend of Zelda any more. Grow the fuck up.
Libra: I want you to open a food truck this week with a menu based entirely on sauerkraut, smoked bison, and chocolate covered cherries. Dump your entire retirement savings into it, so if it doesn’t work, it’ll bankrupt you. You don’t challenge yourself enough, and this’ll be good for you. Remember, the most important part of a good business is a great name. Go with something catchy, like “Sweet Buffalo Cabbage”, or “Sweet, Sour, and Meat: home of the What the Fuck Kind of Sandwich is This? Sandwich”.
Scorpio: If you want to accomplish anything at all this week, you need to pour a jar of fire ants into your underwear and not move or blink for 60 seconds. If you can’t do this, it’ll just mean your parents were right to never love you.
Sagittarius: You’re gonna have a great week. Fantastic sex, financial gain, and the respect of your peers will all be yours. Just don’t be a dick and rub it in the faces of the other signs, unless you want to be bludgeoned with an oak table leg next week. The Tauruses, Capricorns, and Virgos around you have been waiting for an excuse to snap.
Capricorn: Johnny Depp and some of his business partners are going to approach you on Wednesday for an opportunity to invest in Walnut Butter, an affordable alternative for people with food allergies to peanut butter. Don’t do it. It tastes like it’s made out of crushed skunk buttholes. It doesn’t matter how much you love Johnny’s pirate movies, walnut butter is objectively a bad idea, and not even Captain Jack Sparrow muttering a slogan like, “Walnut Butter – it’s time we wipe the P off of our nuts” can make kids want to eat it.
Aquarius: I want you to move to China this week, and I want you to stay there. I want you to get a job in an obscure factory where you’ll be subjected to inhumane working conditions while you make some inconsequential product for a boss that hates you, and I want you to stop reading this. I want you to disappear, Aquarius, and so do all the other signs.
Pisces:I need you to make a million dollars this week, and I want you to send me half. It’s the right thing to do. I’ve been really sweet to you for several weeks now, and I want some payback, unless you want dinosaurs, robots, and Bosnian Warlords to start fucking your shit up for the next few months. Fair is fair.
Be sure to check out Dan Cummins’ new podcast Fired Up here!