Ask Amber: She can help you. Maybe. Maybe not.

By | March 14, 2012 at 12:11 pm | 2 comments | Ask Amber, feature slider, Features, Opinion | Tags: , ,

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Hi! Welcome to my weird advice column, Ask Amber, a new weekly addition to Laughspin. Each week I will answer a reader’s question (any question!) in hopes of helping a homosapien. If you write in telling me you are an animal I’ll get pissed off, and tell you to go to an animal advice columnist. For the column’s debut I’ll answer Tracy Marquez’s question, she promised me she’s a human, but admitted she poops outside sometimes. That’s fine.

Hey, Amber:

I do stand-up comedy and my parents just found out. They don’t know what kind of jokes I tell and I’m worried because they’re conservative Christians. How do I tell them that I do some not so conservative comedy?

Tracy

Hi, Tracy:

Thanks for writing in. Great question. Before I get to the answer, I just want to say that your tweets are fantastic. I took a stroll through your timeline (@tracy_marq) and learned that: you have chronic gas, your cat died, when you masturbate it smells like Taco Bell and you think about suicide more than the average person. Congratulations on your life.

As for your conservative Christian parents– I’m assuming they’re afraid of everything, they misinterpret the babble — I mean Bible — oh, and they probably have a refrigerator full of ladies they killed because they thought they were witches– but it was Halloween and those ladies were just kidding about being witches.

Ugh. Well, I was going to tell you to pull a FOOTLOOSE on your parents (from the original movie, the re-make can go straight to Hell). But, ya know that scene where Kevin Bacon’s character, Ren, addresses the town council and busts out the motherfuckin’ Holy Book, using religion to fight religion and says:

Aren’t we told in Psalm 149 “Praise ye the Lord. Sing unto the Lord a new song. Let them praise His name in the dance”? And it was King David, who we read about in Samuel – and what did David do? David danced before the Lord with all his might… leaping and dancing before the Lord.

King David sounds fun. I want him to come back to life so I can ask him if the Lord liked his moves or not. I didn’t find anything in the Bible where it says telling dirty jokes is ok. I actually found this piece of shit “rule.” Check it out:

In Ephesians 5:4 that idiot Paul tells us: “Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather be thankful.”

WTF is Paul’s problem? He’s probably a gay homophobe. They’re the worst.

Here’s an example of what might happen if you tell your parents about your comedy:

Tracy: Hey Mom. Hey, Dad.

Parents: Hi, Sweetie.

Tracy: Gross, don’t call me that. So…I’m doing stand-up comedy and I say obscene things into a microphone.

Parents: Um. That’s sinful. We don’t think you should do that. We think you should work at Walmart.

Tracy: No way. Walmart sells guns, and I heard if you shoot a person sometimes they shit their pants. The only cool thing about that scenario is that someone might shit their pants.

Parents: Ok. You’re right. You should do comedy.

Tracy: COOL THANKS. BYE. AMEN.

There you go!

Hee haw. Seriously, since they already know you’re doing comedy, I guess it depends on how nosy they’re going to be about it. If they see you perform and/or they read your stuff online and they don’t like it, oh well; boo-hoo-la-tee-da. Their feelings about you are none of your business, so don’t take ownership of their fears. They brought you into this world, and they made sure you didn’t die when you were a baby, and that’s cool. But that doesn’t mean you have to reach their expectations for the rest of your life. For now, just tell them you are doing some shows and writing a lot and it makes you happy. Keep it at that. More will be revealed naturally as time goes on.

Whether they support you or not, it’s important to follow your intuition (which is obviously telling you to do comedy), otherwise you’ll stop on their behalf and resent them for it. Live your fuckin’ life. You’re really funny, Tracy.

The End.

Peace,
Amber

PS. Oh and life is a paradox sometimes. What if your parents end up loving your jokes and your dad becomes your writing partner? It’ll boomerang your mind!

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Featured cartoonist:  Dave Marca is a graphic designer living in Northern Colorado.  He naturally gravitates towards drawing penises on things, no homo.  Check him out here:  thefoolscorner.com

About the Author

Amber Tozer

Amber Tozer is a stand-up comic and writer living in Los Angeles. She finds human behavior both hilarious and horrifying. Follow her on Twitter @AmberTozer

  • http://twitter.com/RubyWildflower Ruby Wildflower

    Enjoying the crap outta this already. 

  • http://twitter.com/ChaseRoper Chase Roper

    This is going to be a fantastic series!