Aries: Really? “Nobody” can beat you at Monopoly? Bet your life that you’ll win your next game, and place a gun and one bullet next to Free Parking. That’s what I thought. Stop exaggerating this week. Your lucky ethnic stereotype is the large-breasted old Russian peasant woman.
Taurus: Go to bed early every night this week, no latter than 9 pm. You’ll feel lame, old and boring. However, you’ll also tear through those to-do lists you’ve said you haven’t had time to do, when the truth is your late night Warcraft sessions have been ruining the entire following day. Your lucky ethnic stereotype is the lazy Mexican immigrant.
Gemini: This week I want you to make a small but nevertheless monumental shift in how you see the world – I want you to start eating Cool Ranch instead of Nacho Cheese Doritos. Are they better, or even as good? No, no they are not. You won’t enjoy them, and you will miss the Nacho Cheese flavor, which will cause you to re-evaluate other areas of your life, like how much you miss your mother. She misses you, too. Call her. Your lucky ethnic stereotype is the greedy Jewish banker.
Cancer: Get really good at street fighting this week. Take steroids but only work on getting your forearms bigger, dress up like a sailor, then go to a bar, eat a can of boiled spinach in front of everyone, and then beat the shit out of a large man with a beard. Then put a corn cob pipe in your mouth and blow twice. DON’T SAY, “I’m Popeye the sailor man.” It’s better for people to think you’re not familiar with the cartoon, and that that it’s just the weirdest coincidence ever. Your lucky ethnic stereotype is the pompous, crooked-teeth having British man.
Leo: By no later than Thursday, I want you and no less than 10 friends to wear lion costumes, and run in a pack chasing five other friends in Gazelle costumes through downtown. Get ready to make the local news. Your lucky ethnic stereotype is the thieving, shifty-eyed Romanian gypsy.
Virgo: You’ve been too obsessed with sex lately, and it’s time you fix that. Pay for a different escort to show up at your door every 90 minutes, twenty-four hours a day, every day this week. 112. That’s how many people you’re going to have sex with in one week. You’ll be so chafed, swollen, and riddled with STDs, that by next week, you’ll rather watch Wheel of Fortune with your parents than have a threesome with super models. Your lucky ethnic stereotype is the angry, gang-banging black man.
Libra: You have a cavity in every tooth. This week, I want you to make an appointment for a denture fitting, and I want you to rip out all of your teeth without having a dentist verify you indeed have cavities. I need to make sure your faith in me is pure this week. Your lucky ethnic stereotype is the homosexual Canadian.
Scorpio: I don’t know why, but I feel like on Thursday, it’s super duper important for you to tear through no less than 10 two-liter bottles of Coke Zero. Let me know what that does to your internal organs, I’m very, very curious. Your lucky stereotype is the exploited, Taiwanese factory worker.
Sagittarius: Millions of people are starving in the world right now, and I want you to be one of them this week. Don’t eat. Just occasionally make yourself nice meals, smell them, and then throw them in the trash. And hit yourself sometimes. And constantly tell yourself you’re worthless. This week is about social awareness. You need to understand how easy you’ve had it before it’s too late, and by ‘too late,’ I mean next week, when there is a good chance you’ll die suddenly and unexpectedly. Your lucky ethnic stereotype is the loud, drunken Irishman.
Capricorn: Go to the beach on Tuesday, start picking up sea shells and holding them to your ear, over and over, until you hear a mermaid talking to you. This will probably happen around Friday or Saturday, when fatigue and dehydration induced hallucinations will start causing you to hear all sorts of crazy shit. Your lucky ethnic stereotype is the Swedish pedophile.
Aquarius: Eat a bunch of ice cream and have a great time this week, Aquarius; you’ve earned it. You’ve suffered through week after week of horrible Star-A-Scopes, and, you need to rest up before more unimaginable horror starts heading your way, which will probably begin again next week. Your lucky ethnic stereotype is the obnoxious, cheap Scotsman.
Pisces: Perfect. Evil goblin-ish, demon-y things are going to tear through the floor under your bed, burn their way through your mattress and suck you down into Hell this week unless you start sending me naked pictures of yourself immediately, lots of pictures, full nude stuff, with lots of garters, fish net stockings, heels, and that sort of stuff. Don’t worry about me showing them to anyone, I’ll totally keep them safe on my hard drive, and in a series of homemade glossy-paged magazines until the demon-y things tell me I can give them back, which will probably be in 10-15 years, or never. Your lucky ethnic stereotype is the bloodthirsty French terrorist.
Be sure to check out Dan Cummins’ new podcast Fired Up here!