Ask Amber: This week comedian Amber Tozer fixes a lesbian relationship. Kind of.

By | March 21, 2012 at 11:14 am | 3 comments | Ask Amber, feature slider, Features | Tags: , ,

Dinky Donk,

Oh, hey.

Ok. That’s my intro.

Here’s a question an anonymous person asked!

Hi, Amber:

I’ve been dating this girl for a few months, I’m also a girl. So that means I’m a lesbian. We live in different states, but we spend a lot of time together. She’s pretty active on her blog and Facebook – always posting pictures and statuses about who she hangs out with. She hasn’t mentioned me once and we’ve been dating for three months. We have a great time together and I know she cares about me, but she doesn’t include me in her ‘online life.’

Should I ask her about it or pretend I don’t care?

Thanks.

A Lesbo

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Hi, Lesbo:

Thanks for writing in, lover of ladies. Real quick – one time I got drunk and made out with a lesbian in a bathroom at a dance club. Now I’m sober and unfortunately straight, but still like to dance. Cha cha cha. That’d be so funny if it was you I made out with. If you’re a tiny Asian chick who wants to be a nurse, hi!

Ok. The combination of social media and dating can go straight to hell. It’s such a nightmare to check out your lover’s life online and see all the fun they’re having without you. Then, when you do have fun with them, they don’t even mention you? No status updates like, ‘I just hung out with the sexiest and smartest person alive. My girlfriend, my lover, my sweet Lesbo. I’m so happy right now. And drunk. I’m soooooo drunk. Lesbo is my everything.’

That’d be a fun update to read about yourself– minus the drunk part. When someone compliments you when they’re drunk it’s like someone giving you an awesome shirt with pit stains. I give this analogy a B+

I find it weird she’s not mentioning you, especially since she updates about her personal life regularly. Three months is a healthy amount of time to start posting about someone, especially in Lesbo-time. You guys should already have a house, seven cats, a softball team, another girl you want to date lined up in case the one your with doesn’t work out, a butch reference, a lipstick lesbo reference, the full DVD set of Ellen, an autographed poster of Rosie O’Donnell before everyone hated her, another lesbian thing, scissoring sessions, a party invite from that DJ chick who used to bone Linsday Lohan (sorry, I forget her name but she looks good with short hair because she has a good jawline); anyway, she’s having a party and you’re invited, and one more stereotypical thing.

Maybe you should post really nice things about her. Sometimes when we do for others what we think they should be doing for us, it opens up a whole new world.

Three possible nice updates you could post about her on Facebook:

1. My girlfriend has an OK ass and when she sits on my face I’m like, ‘Not bad, not bad.’

2. I wish I could marry my girlfriend, but we’d both have to move to another state to do it. Same sex marriage is banned in most states, because some powerful people think homosexuality is a sin. And, those people are usually involved in Christian churches and they embezzle money from brainwashed Christians who give them money to get brainwashed. Also, some Catholics are against gay marriage, but the male priests tend to molest boys and that’s same sex stuff so I don’t get it. Anyway, I love my girlfriend she’s a good kisser.

3. Check out my sexy girlfriend!! (post a cute picture of her; Photoshop it if you have to.)

Oh, look a Magic 8 Ball,- “Hey, Magic 8 Ball, why isn’t she mentioning her girlfriend on Facebook?” Magic 8 Ball: “Yes” EFF YOU THAT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. Oh. I’m supposed to ask you yes or no questions. Ok, how’s this, “Are you useless to fake advice columnists?” Magic 8 ball: “Ask again later.” Ok, sounds good.

Here are some reasons I came up with on why she’s not mentioning you:

1. She has other lovers and wants to appear single.

2. She thinks you look bad in pictures and is doing you a favor by not posting them.

3. I have no idea, I really want to know. Please e-mail me after you ask her because I’m getting emotionally involved in your problem.

It’s not looking good. My serious advice: tell her how you feel. It may seem silly because it’s just Facebook or a blog, but most people take this stuff seriously. People are constantly hurt by what their friends and lovers do online. The only people I know who don’t give a shit about it are people who are extremely successful and don’t have time for it OR people who are so enlightened that their real lives are full of purpose and they only check Facebook to see how their families are doing or something sweet like that. But for the rest of us, social media instigates jealousy, insecurity and paranoia. The weird thing is, we can’t get enough of it.

Bottom line: If you hold this resentment in, your insides will rot and you’ll get a horrible disease and die. What if you died and THEN she blogged about you? Life is silly like that sometimes. Anyway, you should either talk to her about it or reach a state of enlightenment to where you LOVE that she doesn’t mention you. Good luck.

Peace,
Amber

Ask me questions at amber@laughspin.com.

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Featured artist: Logan Fitzpatrick is an illustrator living in Brooklyn, NY. He was recently chased by bullies into an abandoned warehouse where he found a rapping genie who had been trapped inside a boombox for thousands of years. Check him out at loganfitzpatrick.com.

About the Author

Amber Tozer

Amber Tozer is a stand-up comic and writer living in Los Angeles. She finds human behavior both hilarious and horrifying. Follow her on Twitter @AmberTozer

  • Kelly

    Amber, U R so funny. Joe @ I always have issues. We will let U know Kelly

  • Logan Fan

    Logan Fitzpatrick is a genius.

  • http://twitter.com/InternetsMagic Aaron Wilson

    Great job Amber. You’re much funnier than when we met under an umbrella in line to Eating it at Luna Lounge. I just thought your first comment should be ULTRA CREEPY. But really. Funny stuff.