Aries: Don’t let on, but, right now, Christie Brinkley is hiding in your crawl space. She’s scared. She’s convinced that Billy Joel wants to kill her. Whatever you do, DO NOT play anything off of River of Dreams. She painted that cover, and, in her current mental state, she believes that is exactly what Billy will play while hacking her to pieces. Your lucky financial advice this week is anything you overhear Christie saying – she’s worth roughly 80 million dollars.
Taurus: Don’t talk about Christie Brinkley this week. Yes she’s still beautiful at almost 60 years old. Yes, she still has sex appeal. And yes, she can still rock a bikini. But guess who doesn’t want to hear that? Any woman in your life. They don’t think it’s cool you’re amazed by the longevity of her looks. So start saying she’s ugly, but, don’t make it have anything to do with age, because then they’ll worry that you think they’re gonna be ugly someday. Just shut up in general this week. Your lucky financial advice is anything Billy Joel says – he’s worth $160 million dollars.
Gemini: I need you to fight Chuck Norris this week. Nobody knows it, but, he’s been forcing Christie Brinkley to co-star in his stupid Total Gym late night exercise infomercials. She believes if she says ‘no’ he will literally roundhouse kick her head off of her shoulders thanks to a series of Internet jokes she read many years ago. Don’t worry, you can take him. He’s over 70 years old, and his hamstrings are too tight for him to even reach your head, let alone kick it off. Your lucky financial advice is anything Chuck Norris says – he’s worth over $25 million dollars.
Cancer: This week will be interesting. On Wednesday, you’re going to receive a phone call from Chevy Chase. He’ll say it’s part of some random radio promotion for a new movie he’s in, but, he’s lying. Chevy Chase doesn’t make new movies, and you don’t listen to the radio. No, through some GPS tracking, he’s learned that Christie Brinkley is in your neighbor’s crawl space, and he feels like she might currently be crazy and desperate enough to marry him. He hasn’t stopped wanting to sleep with her since she drove by in that red Ferrari in the first Vacation movie. Blow him off – he’s trouble. He’s only funny on camera. Off camera, he’s self-involved and depressed. And, inexplicably, he always smells like an old tuna fish sandwich. Your lucky financial advice is anything the man also known as Fletch can give you over the phone – he’s worth roughly $50 million dollars.
Leo: A man named Peter Cook will pull up in front of your place in a limo on Friday and start asking questions about supermodel Christie Brinkley. Why? Because he’s trying to kill her. He put on a Billy Joel mask last week during a failed attempt to stab her, and she’s been freaking the fuck out ever since. Play dumb. You and I both know who saw her crawl out of a neighbor’s house on Tuesday morning to drink out of a garden hose but you’re not gonna tell Pete that. You’re gonna tell him there’s a slutty 18 year old tanning topless down at the park – that’ll get him off your porch lickety-split. Help Christie out and she’ll help you out. Next week she’ll star in a web commercial for the vitamins you’ve been making in your basement. Your lucky financial advice is to find an Aries and ask them what financial advice Christie Brinkley gave them.
Virgo: I need you to pretend to be Christie Brinkley this week. Get in swimsuit shape immediately, have beautiful long blond hair, and walk around with effortless confidence and flawless skin. Just fucking do it. We need to buy her some time to figure out how to have Peter Cook arrested. Your lucky financial advice is to make a lot of money with some national ad campaigns while looking like Christie Brinkley.
Libra: I want you to go on eBay this week and purchase the Real Model Collection dolls. All three of them – Cheryl Tiegs, Beverly Johnson, and Christie Brinkley. Then, go down to the corner, sneak into the backyard of the red house with the brown shingles, crawl down by the recessed window next to the garden house, and start playing with those dolls. Have the Beverly and Cheryl dolls constantly talk about what a dick some guy named Peter is, how much Billy still loves her, and how she’s the prettiest doll of all. Don’t think about any of this, just do it. Oh, and your lucky financial advice is anything you have the Beverly doll say – the real Beverly Johnson is worth over $10 million dollars.
Scorpio: Nope, you’re not seeing things – there really have been a small horde of angry circus clowns milling around your neighborhood. And yep, they have murder in their eyes. But don’t worry, it’s not you they’re after, it’s Christie Brinkley. They’ve been pissed ever since she spoke out against Ringling Bros. and Barnum and Bailey Circus regarding animal cruelty. The clowns are pissed because while the elephants are being mistreated, they’re still being treated better than them, but no one gives a shit because they’re clowns. Stay inside and you’ll be fine. Your lucky financial advice this week is the opposite of whatever you overhear any of the clowns talking about. Combined, those clowns are worth about $2.76.
Sagittarius: Stop staring at Christie Brinkley this week. It’s hard enough for her to live in a crawl space without you using your telescope to try and get a glimpse of one of her nipples. She’s almost 60 and filthy, and yet she still has to deal with perverts like you. Unbelievable. Your lucky financial advice this week is for you to sell your telescope. You’ve had it for four years, and you’ve seen 13 nipples, and not one star. You’re a dick, Sagittarius.
Capricorn: Lay a veggie tray with some tofu on it on your back porch tonight. Christie Brinkley is starving, but, as a die hard vegetarian, she still won’t eat meat. Thank you Capricorn, this is all I’ll ask of you this week. Don’t worry, this nightmare is almost over. For Christie Brinkley that is. Your nightmare starts Sunday at the stroke of midnight when an evil monster from a parallel universe attacks you in your sleep, and tries to pull your still beating heart from your chest. Your lucky financial advice is to look for a sale on veggie trays this week, they’re usually preposterously expensive.
Aquarius: Aquarius, it’s time you do something useful with your life, and this week, that means murdering Peter Cook in order to save Christie Brinkley. And then, when the police show up, I want you to point a gun at one of the officers so they shoot you dead. Costing taxpayers millions of dollars for you to live on death row the rest of your life kind of defeats the purpose of doing something really nice for Christie Brinkley, doesn’t it? Your lucky financial advice is to buy a cheap gun so there’s money in your account to be given to your family next week since you’ll be dead. Finally.
Pisces: Calm down this week, your man is not about to leave you for Christie Brinkley. He thinks you are even more beautiful then she is, he’s just been doing a lot of research on Billy Joel’s behalf to find out who the Hell is trying to kill her, and why she is hiding in your neighbor’s crawl space like a Goddamn raccoon. Your lucky financial advice this week is anything your man tells you. He’s been talking to Billy Joel and Christie Brinkley, and their combined net worth is over a quarter of a billion dollars.