Ask Amber: So, you hate your job?

By | March 28, 2012 at 5:46 pm | 13 comments | Ask Amber, feature slider, Features | Tags: , ,

Do Wap Do Wap,

Um.Um.Um. Just thought of that right now, right off the top of my head.

Ok, here’s the question…

Hi Amber:

I’m in my late 30’s and I hate my job, I’ve been here for years. I work in an office and it’s sooooooo boring. I’m only here because the pay is good and I’m in debt. I can’t just quit. I just feel like deep down I should be doing more with my life! Why am I still here? I just feel stuck because I need a decent income. I want to quit and try something else, but I’m not sure what to do. What do you suggest?

Sincerely,
A Chick in Colorado

——————-

Hey, Chick in Colorado:

Thanks for writing in. Colorado is lovely, except for Colorado Springs. That place is effed up. Devout Christians + A Military Base = Meth Labs. Religion and war, get your shit together. I mean come on– stare at the Rocky Mountains and relax.

Alright, so you hate your job. A lot of people do. Hopefully you’ll find comfort in knowing that millions of Americans choose to stay at a job they hate. And, to be honest, that’s sort of a good thing. If everyone had the balls to make their dreams come true our country would tumble to the ground and then we’d say, “I think we’re alone now, there doesn’t seem to be anyone a-row-ound.” I’m so sorry I made you read that. I hate that I even thought of it -but my point is – this country would turn into a song Tiffany remade in the 1980s and then it would be over. No one would be around because we’d all be dead, because everyone quit their job to become a poet or some shit. Where is Tiffany now? Exactly. This country is designed to numb and distract minds, placing people in mundane jobs, because those jobs keep this country operating – we can’t ALL be Tiffany’s!

USA USA!

Here’s how I break down job contentment–

The lucky people get to do what they love and make money; artists, doctors, lawyers, teachers, entrepreneurs, and zoo keepers. The content people have boring jobs, but they like it. They like the routine, they feel safe and they live for the weekend; factory workers, accountants, robot makers (be careful, those robots will take your jobs, robot makers!), and lots of other jobs I don’t know. I’ve never written about this before.

The hopeful people hate their job, but have a dream and understand that anything they do for money is just a means to an end; restaurant servers, personal assistants, video store clerks, vaginas, and penises. HAHAHA weird references at the wrong time– I’m not deleting it.

Then we have the miserable people. The ones who have an awful job AND are unsure, or are not admitting to themselves, what they REALLY want; these people will either become an alcoholic, a rageaholic, a hypocritical abusive religious person (abuse only happens at home, not in public), a schizophrenic who develops a personality who likes their job, a hooker or a nun. It depends on their genes.

Job haters are like, “My boss is a sociopath, my Christmas bonus was a Thank You card. WTF, honk if you hate your job.” And it’s so weird because people living in Third World countries are like, “I’m starving and dying!” It’s all about perspective and geography, I think. I won’t be one of those annoying people and say, “Be grateful you have a job and live in this country.” But, I will be annoying and say, “Because you live in this country you can do anything you want, but be careful of what this country has lead you to believe.” MICHAEL MOORE: CALL ME. YOU CAN HAVE THIS QUOTE FOR ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

Seriously, you need to pay attention to your feelings and actions surrounding work and money. It’s possible you’re overspending and buying crap you don’t need because your subconscious mind soaks up all the shit juice that’s fed to you daily.

You’re influenced by all the pictures and words your mind consumes via TV, radio, Internet Ads and magazines. Are you nervous that if you can’t afford the thing the TV is telling you to buy you’ll never be sexually desired and will turn into a leper, even though lepers aren’t even popular anymore?!

Oh and maybe your family will reject you if don’t buy that fancy mop/broom combo. Clean that house you dirty-lady-dumb-ass! And hey, those fast food commercials are funny and sexy; you’ll want to eat lots of cheeseburgers, they’re only .99 cents! Then you’ll get fat and want to go on a diet, because you’re a girl and you’re supposed to be skinny. Then you’ll go further in debt because salads are like eight bucks! Good luck with life!

USA! USA!

The good news is, I think you have hope. It’s good you hate your job enough to write to a fake advice columnist. You might be ready to make a change in your life, but I think you’re going to have to hit bottom, a place of such misery, that you’ll HAVE to change.

Three things you can do to reach a bottom at your job faster:

1. Tell your boss you’ll work for free. Say, “Hey boss, this job is a real shit storm of an experience and I want to make it shittier. Stop paying me.” They’ll say “Sure, weirdo.” You’ll flip out, and your mind will frantically search for other options in life.

2. Pay a homeless person five bucks to sit at your desk with you and breathe in your face all day, every day. Ask him or her to get really close to your mouth and nose and just have ‘em blow hot air from their belly right up into your nostrils. If your boss asks why a homeless person is at your desk breathing on you, just be honest and tell them you’re trying to hate your job more. See what they say.

3. Rip a toenail off every time you file something.

That should give you incentive to quit. Or, you can admit to yourself what you really want to do in life. I think all of us have a dream or a “if I could be anything in life, I’d be _____” What is it, Chick in Colorado? After you admit what you really want to do, learn as much as you can about it and try it out. Worse case scenario, you fail and fall deeper into debt. WHO CARES.

Bye bye.

Peace,
Amber

Ask me questions at amber@laughspin.com.

——————–
Featured artist: Housed in a facility somewhere in Portland, OR, Kevin Wilson spends his time making robots for the webcomic Titanzer. You can read it at titanzer.com.

About the Author

Amber Tozer

Amber Tozer is a stand-up comic and writer living in Los Angeles. She finds human behavior both hilarious and horrifying. Follow her on Twitter @AmberTozer

  • Me

    What the f$%k?  Is this chick for real?  I’ve never read anything more brainless.  There’s not a single coherent thought here.  How can she possibly be making a living as a comic?  She’s not even remotely funny.  Oh, and here’s a tip – if you want to write professionally, learn to spell.

    • AmberTozer

      Hey, Dr. Grammar Pants – look how you spelled “fuck.” You didn’t even use letters!  Oh, and did you post anonymously on purpose or accident? I’m sure it was an accident. You seem very tough and brave, not the type to hide. Anyhooozle, I’m off to do a comedy show, I don’t want to miss this one – they are paying me 10 thousand dollars. Have a good one!! 

  • RJ

    Hey buddy, dammit! Don’t p*ss her off or she might decide she hates HER job and quits writing and then who knows, she might steal your job. Then where would you be? You would have a lot more time to sit around complaining about other peeps spelling, that’s for sure. More importantly I asked her for some advice just today and if she quits this job then what I’m gonna do? I’ll never get an answer.

    Furthermore who cares about coherency anyway? Coherency is for boring serious stuff. Not funny. See what I mean?

    Now I have to read her again just so I can lighten up.

  • R_barron

    Not funny at all.  What a waste of time.  Definitely won’t be reading this column again.  Yawn.

  • Lisamarie

    Wow, I guess it’s true – any idiot can make a living writing crap.

  • Jeffraymond319

    This lady needs to lay off the drugs…….is it suposed to be funny?

  • Littlebird

    SO hilarious!

  • Andrewpitz

    I cracked up so many times reading this column that I’m smh at you serious-taking, no sense of humor having dummies. Are you doing what you want to do with your lives? Are you living your dream? Doubtful, if you poke around the web and criticize someone who IS funny and has been making a lot of people laugh on both coasts for a lotta years.

  • CraigD

    what a train reck

  • Penny

    Jeez, what they’re saying on Twitter is true—this is really bad.  Had to see it for myself.

  • Geoff

    This is a fantastic column, Amber. Anyone who reads it and *doesn’t* find it hilarious better not be planning on making a career in comedy.

  • Kerry Hensley

    Amber!! I love your column and your stand up! You are a brilliant comic and I love your advise. It’s amazing how all of the haters come out and feel the need to leave negative comments. It is obvious that you are far too intelligent for some people. I feel sorry for people like that. What miserable lives they must be leading. Mean spirited. Very sad! You rock!

  • JenKirwin

    You just saved my marriage!!! Seriously, I laughed so loud reading this, esp the homeless guy breathing on you part. Love your advice because it makes more sense than ripping off toenails:-)