Do Wap Do Wap,
Um.Um.Um. Just thought of that right now, right off the top of my head.
Ok, here’s the question…
I’m in my late 30’s and I hate my job, I’ve been here for years. I work in an office and it’s sooooooo boring. I’m only here because the pay is good and I’m in debt. I can’t just quit. I just feel like deep down I should be doing more with my life! Why am I still here? I just feel stuck because I need a decent income. I want to quit and try something else, but I’m not sure what to do. What do you suggest?
A Chick in Colorado
Hey, Chick in Colorado:
Thanks for writing in. Colorado is lovely, except for Colorado Springs. That place is effed up. Devout Christians + A Military Base = Meth Labs. Religion and war, get your shit together. I mean come on– stare at the Rocky Mountains and relax.
Alright, so you hate your job. A lot of people do. Hopefully you’ll find comfort in knowing that millions of Americans choose to stay at a job they hate. And, to be honest, that’s sort of a good thing. If everyone had the balls to make their dreams come true our country would tumble to the ground and then we’d say, “I think we’re alone now, there doesn’t seem to be anyone a-row-ound.” I’m so sorry I made you read that. I hate that I even thought of it -but my point is – this country would turn into a song Tiffany remade in the 1980s and then it would be over. No one would be around because we’d all be dead, because everyone quit their job to become a poet or some shit. Where is Tiffany now? Exactly. This country is designed to numb and distract minds, placing people in mundane jobs, because those jobs keep this country operating – we can’t ALL be Tiffany’s!
Here’s how I break down job contentment–
The lucky people get to do what they love and make money; artists, doctors, lawyers, teachers, entrepreneurs, and zoo keepers. The content people have boring jobs, but they like it. They like the routine, they feel safe and they live for the weekend; factory workers, accountants, robot makers (be careful, those robots will take your jobs, robot makers!), and lots of other jobs I don’t know. I’ve never written about this before.
The hopeful people hate their job, but have a dream and understand that anything they do for money is just a means to an end; restaurant servers, personal assistants, video store clerks, vaginas, and penises. HAHAHA weird references at the wrong time– I’m not deleting it.
Then we have the miserable people. The ones who have an awful job AND are unsure, or are not admitting to themselves, what they REALLY want; these people will either become an alcoholic, a rageaholic, a hypocritical abusive religious person (abuse only happens at home, not in public), a schizophrenic who develops a personality who likes their job, a hooker or a nun. It depends on their genes.
Job haters are like, “My boss is a sociopath, my Christmas bonus was a Thank You card. WTF, honk if you hate your job.” And it’s so weird because people living in Third World countries are like, “I’m starving and dying!” It’s all about perspective and geography, I think. I won’t be one of those annoying people and say, “Be grateful you have a job and live in this country.” But, I will be annoying and say, “Because you live in this country you can do anything you want, but be careful of what this country has lead you to believe.” MICHAEL MOORE: CALL ME. YOU CAN HAVE THIS QUOTE FOR ONE MILLION DOLLARS.
Seriously, you need to pay attention to your feelings and actions surrounding work and money. It’s possible you’re overspending and buying crap you don’t need because your subconscious mind soaks up all the shit juice that’s fed to you daily.
You’re influenced by all the pictures and words your mind consumes via TV, radio, Internet Ads and magazines. Are you nervous that if you can’t afford the thing the TV is telling you to buy you’ll never be sexually desired and will turn into a leper, even though lepers aren’t even popular anymore?!
Oh and maybe your family will reject you if don’t buy that fancy mop/broom combo. Clean that house you dirty-lady-dumb-ass! And hey, those fast food commercials are funny and sexy; you’ll want to eat lots of cheeseburgers, they’re only .99 cents! Then you’ll get fat and want to go on a diet, because you’re a girl and you’re supposed to be skinny. Then you’ll go further in debt because salads are like eight bucks! Good luck with life!
The good news is, I think you have hope. It’s good you hate your job enough to write to a fake advice columnist. You might be ready to make a change in your life, but I think you’re going to have to hit bottom, a place of such misery, that you’ll HAVE to change.
Three things you can do to reach a bottom at your job faster:
1. Tell your boss you’ll work for free. Say, “Hey boss, this job is a real shit storm of an experience and I want to make it shittier. Stop paying me.” They’ll say “Sure, weirdo.” You’ll flip out, and your mind will frantically search for other options in life.
2. Pay a homeless person five bucks to sit at your desk with you and breathe in your face all day, every day. Ask him or her to get really close to your mouth and nose and just have ‘em blow hot air from their belly right up into your nostrils. If your boss asks why a homeless person is at your desk breathing on you, just be honest and tell them you’re trying to hate your job more. See what they say.
3. Rip a toenail off every time you file something.
That should give you incentive to quit. Or, you can admit to yourself what you really want to do in life. I think all of us have a dream or a “if I could be anything in life, I’d be _____” What is it, Chick in Colorado? After you admit what you really want to do, learn as much as you can about it and try it out. Worse case scenario, you fail and fall deeper into debt. WHO CARES.
Ask me questions at email@example.com.
Featured artist: Housed in a facility somewhere in Portland, OR, Kevin Wilson spends his time making robots for the webcomic Titanzer. You can read it at titanzer.com.