Aries: Careful driving this week Aries, I’m pretty sure someone is going to cut your brake line. Or plant a car bomb under your hood. Or carjack you. Or jump the curb at an intersection and bounce you off the windshield. Or break into your house, drag you from your bed, tie you to the back of their Jeep Wrangler, and drag you back and forth across a set of train tracks for a few hours. Anyways, be careful. Your lucky random Mayan historical fact is that around 300 BC, the Mayans adapted a hierarchical system of rule by nobles and kings.
Taurus: This week I want you to invent a tortilla chip that tastes like salsa, and a salsa that tastes like tortilla chips. Get ready to make a lot of money, and temporarily confuse the Mexican restaurant industry. Your lucky Mayan historical fact is that the Mayan civilization originated in 2600 BC.
Gemini: Rick Moranis is going to punch your dad in the face this week, and I need you to let this happen, and not press charges against Rick. Your dad deserves it. He’s been on a lot of chat rooms and message boards lately talking shit about Rick’s career. Hollywood didn’t walk away from Rick, Rick walked away from Hollywood to go back to Canada and raise his kids (not shrink them like your dad says). Your lucky Mayan historical fact is that Rick Moranis is 27% Mayan.
Cancer: Congratulations, Cancer. You’re going to fall in love this week! Only catch is, your soulmate isn’t human. A lot of people are just gonna think you’re a crazy dogfucker, but, you’ll know when you look into that beautiful Australian Shepherd’s eyes that a deep intelligence, an understanding that goes beyond species, and a passionate romance is looking back. Your lucky Mayan historical fact is that Mayans had dogs, and sometimes ate them, but, as far as we know, never fucked any.
Leo: Bad news, Leo: this week you’re an Aries, and their horoscope applies to you. Even worse, you’re also a Cancer, so, in addition to probably getting hurt or killed in a car related incident, you’re also gonna start fucking a dog (which you will then tragically leave behind after your likely traffic fatality). Your lucky Mayan historical fact is that the Mayan civilization is still alive today in the lost city of Atlantis.
Virgo: Invest in a storage facility as soon as possible. It’s a good low maintenance way to make a nice, passive income, and, you’re going to need some extra, private space when you unexpectedly murder a transient Saturday morning. Your lucky Mayan historical fact is that the island city of Tayasal remained under Mayan rule until 1697.
Libra: I hate to crush dreams, but, this week you need to finally accept that there is no parallel universe of talking gophers in top hats and snakes with monocles trying to destroy the gopher king. And your grandmother’s amethyst necklace is not the key to this world. You’re nuttier than squirrel shit, Libra; you really are. Your lucky Mayan historical fact is that the Mayans didn’t predict that the world would end in 2012. Tom Cruise did.
Scorpio: You are either going to get married this week, or divorced, or stay married, or die alone. It’s hard to say, the Little Dipper is stuck in Orion’s Belt right now, and that makes it harder for me to make all this shit up. Your lucky Mayan historical fact is that no one really knows why the Mayan civilization collapsed, so, we might as well blame the Jews.
Sagittarius: Wednesday morning you are going to lose a limb. Sorry about that. But don’t fret, because on Thursday afternoon, you are going to find a limb. Still warm. Rush back to the hospital and say it’s yours. Whoever lost it is probably dead, and, if they’re not, they probably are familiar with the concept of finders keepers. Your lucky Mayan historical fact is that Mayans built pyramids that still stand today. A lot of people don’t know this because their pyramids sucked compared to the Egyptians.
Capricorn: Black people don’t like you at all this week, Capricorn, and, if you’re black, that includes you not liking you. Stay home this weekend and think about how you can make yourself less annoying and hard to be around, which should definitely include starting to chew with your mouth closed, and, washing your genitals. Your lucky Mayan historical fact is that the Mayans had the only pre-Columbian fully developed written language. Just don’t travel back in time and tell that to the Incas– those savages will beat your head in with a stick.
Aquarius: Okay, so, despite the best efforts of the universe, you’re still alive, Aquarius. Good for you. Celebrate this week by eating nothing but fresh Maine lobster, and drinking nothing but champagne. I don’t care how sick you feel by Thursday morning– NOTHING but lobster and champagne ALL WEEK. You deserve it. Have a great week. Your lucky Mayan historical fact is that the Mayans knew a lot about astronomy, but, apparently not quite enough to predict that the Spanish were coming.
Pisces: You’re gonna have a lot of fun this week, Pisces, because, you’re going to wear nothing but whip cream. Buy a whole bunch of cans and keep applying it as it moves and melts– no need to flash anyone and get arrested! Oh, and don’t worry about people messing with you; you’re also going to get a very special permit to openly carry a machine gun, which you will bring with you everywhere. You will be the talk of the town this week. Congratulations. Oh, and your lucky Mayan historical fact is that Tony Orlando is the last Mayan king.