Star-A-Scopes with Dan Cummins: Like horoscopes, but with the Baldwin brothers

By | April 10, 2012 at 4:49 pm | No comments | feature slider, Features | Tags: , , ,

Aries: Exciting!! You’re Stephen Baldwin this week – now act like it! Film an amazing movie, then, slowly but surely kill your career by steadily becoming a right wing nut job radio host who ends up suing Kevin Costner over oil-separating technology used in the BP oil spill clean up. Constantly read Bible passages to others to tell them how to run their lives while you make erratic personal decisions like getting Hannah Montana’s initials tattooed on your arm that Jesus clearly didn’t tell you to do. Your lucky binary code is 011001100.

Taurus: Good news and bad news await you this week. The good news is that you’re going to meet one of the Baldwin brothers. The bad news is that it’s going to be Danny, easily the craziest of the bunch (which is saying a lot), and he’s going to carjack you while high on coke. He’ll be butt naked and screaming “Baldwin!”, which, incidentally, he’s been arrested for before. Give him the keys and get the fuck out of the way. Alec will make it up to you. He’s been cleaning up Danny’s messes since the third grade, when Danny stabbed a classmate with a pencil, and then ran off naked down the hall shouting “Baldwin!” while high on coke. Your lucky binary code is 1010101001111110010100101.

Gemini:
Listen up Gemini: I need you to talk Billy Baldwin out of trying to murder Alec this week. He’s beyond frustrated. He’s younger, more talented, and more handsome than his oldest sibling, but Hollywood just doesn’t seem to give a shit. He used to model for Calvin Klein for God’s sake. He’s beautiful. He killed it on Flatliners, KILLED IT, and now he’s doing Lifetime movies. What the fuck? But you know who’s not to blame for all of this? Alec. You know who is? Stephen. Steer him in the right direction, and Alec will reward you. Your lucky binary code is 1111101000000001.

Cancer: On Friday, I would definitely advise you NOT to try out that new bar that just opened up that everyone’s talking about. Danny Baldwin’s gonna be there, and he’s got a skull and crossbones bandanna, cut-off jean shorts, a mesh tank top, combat boots, a dangly cross earring, handcuffs, a stainless steel butterfly knife, enough coke in his system to kill a small Columbian village, and nothing but bad intentions in his heart. Your lucky binary code is 000000000000011.

Leo: Alec Baldwin is going to offer you a small speaking role in an upcoming theatrical release if you will just deliver a small envelope to Kim Bassinger for him. Don’t do it unless you want to go to jail for delivering a lethal dose of anthrax, and, ironically end up as cellmates with Mickey Rourke who will also be in prison for trying to kill Alec Baldwin for trying to kill Kim Bassinger, who’s he been in love with every since they filmed 9 1/2 weeks together back in 1986. Your lucky binary code is 011.

Virgo: Don’t eat any more tuna fish this week Virgo. It’s got a lot of mercury in it, and you have a fragile constitution. Oh, and, Danny Baldwin snuck into a tunafish canning plant and took a shit in the tuna boiler after yelling “Baldwin!” while butt naked. Your lucky binary code is 110101010101010111111001010101010111.

Libra: In 2007, Stephen Baldwin threatened to move to Canada if Barack Obama was elected President. I need you to make Stephen keep his promise this week Libra. Tell him Chrtistopher McQuarrie was commissioned by Dreamworks to write the Usual Suspects 2, and that they want to bring Stephen back to play Michael McManus, risen back from the dead as the second coming of Christ. They want to start filming immediately in Toronto. Don’t worry about his making no sense whatsoever, it’ll appeal so strongly to Steve’s giant fucking ego he will book a ticket immediately. Than tell his brother Danny where he’s staying, knowing that Danny will surely get them arrested and unable to return. Your lucky binary code is 110101010101001010100101.

Scorpio: Tell Daniel Baldwin, “You’re no Billy Baldwin” to his face this week. I want to see what happens. Your lucky binary code is 11111110.

Sagittarius:
I want you to think about your romantic relationship history this week Sagittarius. Why can’t you make anything work long term? Billy Baldwin has been with Chyna Phillips for over twenty years. What is he doing right that you’re doing wrong? Not fucking any of his second cousins for starters. You should be ashamed of yourself this week Sagittarius. Your lucky binary code is 000101001010.

Capricorn: Alec Baldwin really is a good dad. Seriously. Sometimes, children really are “rude, thoughtless little pig[s]”, and Alec’s spent a fortune spending time with Ireland despite Kim Bassinger’s efforts to stop him from doing so. You know who isn’t a good dad? Danny Baldwin. 5 kids. 4 different women. And he’s spent more time with cocaine than any of them. What does this have to do with you Capricorn? Nothing you self-absorbed narcissist. This week, you need to think about other people. Other people who’s last name is Baldwin. Your lucky binary code is Baldwin.

Aquarius: This has been a tough year for you Aquarius. Today, a little reprieve! This weekend, Stephen Baldwin is going to give you a full body massage. It’ll be as relaxing as a massage can possibly be when you’re staring at a wild-eyed, fully nude Daniel Baldwin watching you, pacing back and forth and screaming “Baldwin!” every thirty seconds or so. Your lucky binary code is 000000000000.

Pisces: Bad news I’m afraid this week Pisces, you’re getting Baldwin Bashed this Friday. Every five years the Baldwin brothers like to put on clown costumes, break into to someone’s home, and hold them hostage for a three day weekend. They won’t hurt you, but, Stephen will make you watch several of his movies, so, they will kind of hurt you. Your lucky binary code is the binary code to the streaming version of The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas, which you will watch no fewer than 26 times.

About the Author

Dan Cummins

Dan Cummins @D_Cummins is a nationally headlining comedian with many network television appearances to his credit. His debut album Revenge is Near was released in 2009. Crazy With A Capital F, his Comedy Central hour special, DVD and album, was released in 2010. You can get more info at dancummins.tv.