Aries: You’re headed to Africa this week! Yay!! Get ready for three large men to put a bag over your head, gag and bind you, throw you in the back of a van, and then stuff you in a thermal sleeping bag to prepare you for a trip across the Atlantic in the bottom of a cargo plane. (If you’re reading this in Africa, you’re star-a-scope is different: you’re gonna find a lucky pretzel on Wednesday). Then, you’re going to be taken out into a remote village deep inside the Congo, and held for ransom. Oh, and you’re going to suffer terribly from Dengue fever. But don’t worry – next week you’re gonna meet one of the Jonas brothers! Even Steven!!!
Taurus: Eat a lot of Cheetos this week. Like, 20-30 bags. I know doctors and scientists disagree, but, they’re good for you. They have to be. How do you feel when you eat a Cheeto? Bad? Or, really good? Exactly. Enjoy your life Taurus, you’ve only got one, and, it’ll probably end next week, or, the week after that.
Gemini: If there’s one thing I know about chimps, it’s that they don’t like being beaten with sticks. Think about this and get back to me next week.
Cancer: Don’t talk with your mouth full this week. It’s always gross, but, this week you’re going to be eating a lot of other people’s shit, so it’s extra disgusting.
Leo: Just because your sign is a lion doesn’t mean you can control lions with your thoughts, so, please stop trying to do that this week. It makes that one vein in your forehead stick out way too much, and you can’t be a safe driver when you’re constantly trying to send a pride of lions into your neighbor’s house to rip them limb from limb.
Virgo: I hope you’re really good at building model airplanes Virgo, because, this week, a deranged maniac is going to make you build one, glue you to it, and push you off a cliff. Extra glue on the wing joints is your best chance to make it through this alive. That, and a miracle.
Libra: One of your closest elderly relatives is going to pass away this week, leaving you with two choices. You can either get really sad, and grieve, or, you can boil the meat off of their bones, and turn them into a bunch of hot dogs you then sell to people pouring out of a local bar at closing time. Be sure and take pictures of this. Okay, there’s probably a lot more choices than that, but, it’s what the stars suggested first, so go with it.
Scorpio: You could continue working on your ventriloquism skills this week, or, you could get laid and have your family love you again.
Sagittarius: Stop trying to meet people on the Internet this week and start trying to make a sex zombie that you can then replicate and sell to other people trying to meet people on the Internet. I want you to be a capitalist this week. And, of course, a godless sex zombie manufacturer.
Capricorn: Teach rabbits to talk, harvest vegetables for human consumption, and engage in light textile manufacturing this week and I will bow down and worship you as Lord.
Aquarius: Fly down to the Falkland islands this week, charter a deep sea fishing boat, catch a giant squid, climb inside it with a lunch box and an oxygen tank, and then journey to the center of the Earth, where you should either find a magical door to another universe built entirely of love and physical pleasure, or, you will just slowly die inside a giant squid and then be digested and shit out into the sea.
Pisces: Perfect. Astral projection is going to consume most of your energy this week. That, and yoga. You will actually be so into yoga this week that you will astrally project yourself from one yoga class to another, becoming the second person to do two yoga classes simultaneously. The first was Matthew McConaughey.
Be sure to check out Dan Cummins’ new podcast Fired Up here!