Hey, all. It’s me. Dylan. After I ask a bunch of inane questions to a bunch of people I admire on the red carpet of the second annual Comedy Awards, I’ll be live blogging the actual event right here. So, if you’re into that kind of shit, keep it here!
6:48 pm: Hey, I’m here. Have you been following our Tweeter feed? If not, go ahead over there and see some AMAZING photos. Ok, they’re not amazing. But they are photos. Show’s about to start!
6:56 pm: Comedy Central honcho Doug Herzog is onstage saying all his thank yous and being nice and stuff. He’s not very funny. LOLZ!
7:23 pm: Chris Rock takes the stage to present the award for best stand-up special. Noms are Norm Macdonald, Louis C.K., Patton Oswalt, Daniel Tosh and Colin Quinn. “They televise this but they don’t [televise] the Nobel Peace Price,” Rock says, adding of the nominees, “Three are funny. One used to be funny. And one was NEVER funny…Yeah, I fucking mean it.” But does he? I think he does. “Kevin Hart didn’t do shit this year, huh? Throw another white person on there while you’re at it!” And the winner is… Louis C.K. for his self-released Live at the Beacon Theater!
“Thanks, black guy,” he says to Rock. “I want to fuck him, too, He’s very cute,” C.K. says about Tosh, apologizing to Tosh’s fans for beating him out for the award.
7:30 pm: Will Arnett is onstage to present the award for comedy writing on television. He’s opening his “gift bag” from the Awards show. Inside, is a live turtle, an Eastern airlines voucher, a carton on Kools, two tickets to last year’s Awards show and every season of The Mentalist on VHS! Ok, the noms are 30 Rock, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Louie, Parks and Recreation, Modern Family and Saturday Night Live! And the winner is… 30 Rock. Well deserved (I suppose), but I was hoping the Parks and Rec peeps would snag this one.
7:37 pm: Maya Rudolph is here to present the award for best actor in a television series (and to put a human face on online shopping addiction…you’ll see what I mean when the show airs; in the meantime, call this number and tell me who it reaches: 323 302 9912). And the nods go to Alec Baldwin, Larry David, Steve Carell, Louis C.K. and Ty Burell. And the award goes to Ty Burell! “Nothing will quite make you feel like a fraud like being selected from that particular group of geniuses,” Burell says about his fellow nominees.
7:41 pm: Chris Parnell is onstage to give out the award for best actress in a movie. The nominees are Melissa McCarthy, Jennifer Aniston, Cameron Diaz, Emma Stone and Kristen Wiig. And the winner is… Melissa McCarthy! Wahhhh… She’s not here! Norm Macdonald is accepting on her behalf? Wait, no he’s not. He’s giving his time to Johnny Twofeathers, a dude with a giant Native American headdress. “There’s nothing funny about the extermination of a people. This theater stinks of blood. That’s all I have to say,” Twofeaters says. Well done, Norm. Well done.
7:50 pm: Tracy Morgan is out to give out away the award for best sketch or alternative comedy series. Also, he’s quitting show business, he says, to join the Secret Service so he can bang Colombian hookers! The nominations are Childrens Hospital, Louie, Portlandia, Tosh.0 and Saturday Night Live. The winner, you guys, is Louie! “It’s another black guy,” he says about Morgan handing off the prize. “I didn’t know we were a sketch show,” C.K. says about his show. Before his thank yous, he gives Tosh.0 a bit of a dig. Hmmmm.
7:55 pm: Oh, and Morgan is giving out the favorite Club Comic award! The noms are Chelsea Peretti, John Mulaney, Rory Scovel, Amy Schumer, Anthony Jeselnik, Kumail Nanjiani, Pete Holmes, Ted Alexandro, Moshe Kasher and Hannibal Buress. And, Buress takes the prize (Later in the press room, he implies that maybe he snagged the award because he was the only one who showed up to the Awards show. Give yourself more credit than that, HB!)
8:00 pm: Adam Scott presents the best comedy director award to Paul Feig for his work on Bridesmaids. He has Will Arnett read his acceptance speech! Scott is faux upset that he wasn’t chosen, seeing as he was already onstage.
8:12 pm: Chevy Chase, Norm Macdonald and Colin Quinn are all onstage behind Saturday Night Live’s “Weekend Update” desk for a reunion. Chase is regaling the crowd with stories about Gerald Ford’s presidency. As you can imagine, it’s a wee awkward. Chase keeps interrupting in what I believe is a bit he told no one else about. And Norm’s talking now. And…. Amy Poehler and Tina Fey are asleep in the audience- or pretending to be. Oh dear lord. End this bit. Please. Thankfully, they eventually toss to some classic clips of “Weekend Update.”
8:38 pm: Jordan Peele (as Barack Obama) and Keegan Michael Key (as Obama’s anger translator, Luther) are onstage. There’s going to be an insane amount of bleeping when this airs on Comedy Central. Key is going CRAZY… and it’s hilarious.
8:40 pm: You guys, it’s Zach Galifianakis, he of Between Two Ferns fame. It’s a sneak peek of the one-off 30-minute special that will air before the Comedy Awards. Zach’s fucking with Jon Stewart and Tina Fey is fucking with Zach. And it’s Sir Richard Branson!
8:47 pm: A trio of Happy Endings peeps are onstage to give out the award for Best Viral Original. Adam Pally, Elisha Cuthbert and Eliza Coupe (showing tremendous side boob) announce the nominees: Between Two Ferns, Nazi Time Machine, 7 Minutes in Heaven with Mike O’Brien, Shit Girls Say, Songify This with Charlie Sheen. And the award goes to…that Charlie Sheen video thing that the Gregory Brothers did. Hooray?
8:50 pm: Rob Riggle is on to present the award for Best Comedy Series. The nods go to Parks and Recreation, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Happy Endings and Modern Family. And the award goes to… Parks and Recreation! Thankfully.
8:55 pm Riggle stays onstage to give the award for best animated comedy series. The crowd goes wild for the first nominee Archer; others are The Life and Times of Tim, The Simpsons (still Archer has the biggest cheer), South Park (THERE’s the crowd going nuts) and Family Guy. And the award goes to… Archer!!! This is such a satisfying upset, you guys!
9: pm Patton Oswalt takes the stage to give the Icon award to Robin Williams. And he’s got his reading glasses on. He’s serious. “What is a fluffer? So often in our industry, we forget… Oh, shit, I’m doing a different award show to Throbbing Williams. After watching some classic Williams bits, the man, himself, takes the stage.
“Tonight, my darling Susan, you’ll be fucking an icon,” Williams says, gesturing toward his wife Susan Schneider. “I’m one of the luckiest fucks in show business– with the possible exception of Ryan Seacrest.”
9:15 pm Late night Comedy Series time! And the award is being presented by Ed Helms. The nominees are The Daily Show, The Colbert Report, Real Time with Bill Maher, Late Show with David Letterman. And the winner is…The Daily Show with Jon Stewart! And Helms quickly gives the television comedy directing award as well. And it’s for Louie. His third of the night.
Bridesmaids wins for best Comedy screenplay!
9:33 pm: The best stand-up tour nominations are Lewis Black, Dave Attell, Jerry Seinfeld, Kevin Hart and Louis C.K. And the winner is Louis C.K. NUMBER FOUR! “This is stupid now and I hate this, now. Everything if you keep doing it. It’s a fucking nightmare getting the same award…” and he just walks offstage.
9:37 pm: Amy Poehler wins for best actress in a comedy series.
9:40 pm: Jim Carrey takes the stage to present the award for Best Comedy Film. “I poured my heart and soul into that fucking penguin movie,” Carrey says, on not being nominated for his work. The nominations for best picture is Bridesmaids, Crazy Stupid Love, The Artist, Horrible Bosses and Midnight in Paris. And the winner is…Bridesmaids.