Aries: Time for some financial advice, Aries. Apply for every credit card you can this week, and, as soon as you get ‘em, max ‘em out with no thought of paying them back with fun purchases of stuff like a new iPad, a Mustang convertible, and a cotton candy machine. Then, when you’ve completely destroyed your credit, and have nothing left so spend, declare bankruptcy, eliminate all your debt, and get a real job where you can reminisce about this week on your lunch breaks for the rest of your life. Oh, and on Friday, Rush Limbaugh is going to anally rape your Basset Hound.
Taurus: Fortify your home this week, Taurus. Barricade the doors and nail the windows the shut. Hide in the basement with as much water and dry goods as you can get your hands on. The assault will begin Thursday. Hundreds of ignorant right-wing nut jobs are going to attack your home with pitchforks and clubs. They’re pretty sure you worship the Devil. And they think you may also be gay, a minority, or a slut. Rush Limbaugh sent them. He saw you buy some condoms and a copy of that radical left-wing propaganda pamphlet – Newsweek – at the pharmacy last week. He’s been talking about you ever since on the last station that still carries his ridiculous radio show, and these are the only idiots left who still listen to that fat, hate-mongering piece of whatever is shittier than shit.
Gemini: Eat a bunch of donuts this week. And cake. Throw in a bunch of soda, ice cream, stuffed crust pizza, and whatever high-fat, high-sugar foods your body is craving. Nobody will be physically attracted to you this week, so, you may as well have fun getting fatter and even uglier. And yes, that will be Rush Limbaugh you’ll see laying on the floor of the bakery section of the grocery store alternately choking on, and then eating more maple bars and apple fritters. And yes, he will be crying. And yes, he will be naked with a giant dildo hanging out of his ass. It’s okay, he put it there.
Cancer: Bad, bad news Cancer. On Friday, Rush Limbaugh and Bill O’Reilly are going to have a baby together, and you’re going to deliver it. Half of that baby will come out of Bill’s ass, and the other half will slide out of Rush’s vagina. And all of it will be the Devil.
Leo: Go to a hobby shop this week and buy a dragon kite. A good one, with 30 foot streamers behind it, and a nice, sturdy string spool. Take it to a park over the weekend, and let ‘r rip! Have fun with it. Eat an ice cream sandwich. Wear your hat backwards. Don’t wear underwear. It’s your life and you should enjoy it. And stop wondering what you did with that homemade Turkey pot pie your mom made you. Rush Limbaugh broke in your house and ate it while high on Oxycontin. Now stop reading and grab that kite, buddy – you deserve it!!
Virgo: Hit the Farmers Market and grab some organic, fresh-squeezed orange juice as soon as you can, Virgo. It’s fucking delicious, and very good for you. And, when you have time, get a hold of one of Rush Limbaugh’s hairs, make a real Voodoo doll, and mercilessly burn, stick it with needles, and shove a crayon into its taint.
Libra: I like puppies, Libra, and this week, I want you to think about how much you love puppies too. Who couldn’t love them? They’re fucking adorable, and they love us unconditionally. I’ll tell you who – Rush Limbaugh. He eats one for breakfast every morning, sometimes two on Sundays.
Scorpio: I have something for you to ponder on this week, Scorpio: What if Rush Limbaugh is really just Bill O’Reilly in a fat suit. Just something to think about.
Sagittarius: I want you to watch Kingpin this week, because it’s a great comedy, and, because there’s a great joke where Woody Harrelson’s character’s last name, Munson, is used as slang for failure. I want you start saying “Limbaugh” as a replacement word for “fat,” “stupid,” “assfuck,” “motherfucker,” “racist,” “dicklicker,” and “Pauly Shore.”
Capricorn: I don’t want you to believe in reincarnation this week, Capricorn, but, if you did believe in reincarnation, I’d want you to believe that in Rush Limbaugh’s former life, he was a circus clown. And, I want you to believe that in his current life, he is still a clown.
Aquarius: Get a book of recipes based around lamb chops and try some new and exciting recipes this week, Aquarius. Experiment with oregano and a new toaster oven. And while you eat all your fresh dishes, if they don’t taste as good as you’d like them too, make yourself feel better my imagining Rush Limbaugh choking to death on them across the table from you.
Pisces: Perfect. Have a luau on Saturday. Buy some pineapple, make blended drinks, hire a belly dancer, and, roast a pig. If anyone is grossed out by the pig’s head still being attached to its body, print out a picture of Rush Limbaugh’s head, and tape it on the pig’s head. It’ll still be really gross, but, also hilarious. If anyone is offended, throw them the Hell out of your party and never talk to them again. They’re not someone you need to be friends with, or, waste good ham on.
Be sure to check out Dan Cummins’ new podcast Fired Up here!