Oh sorry. I thought my, “Honk If You’re Horny” sign was flipped to the side that says, “Honk If You’re Racist” Here, let me flip it over (flips it over). There we go.
Whoa, at least that guy is honest.
Let’s get to this week’s question.
I started a new job a few weeks ago. I like it. Everyone is cool except for one guy, Sam. He keeps hitting on me even though I’ve been very clear that I’m not interested. He stops by my desk, brags about himself, and always makes some comment about how we’d make a great couple. And, he told people in the office that he likes me so everyone thinks it’s cute, and they’re encouraging me to go on a date with him. I’m so annoyed.
How can I scare him away?
I Don’t Like Sam
Hi, I Don’t Like Sam,
Thanks for writing. It seems to me like Sam is either a psychotic asshole or he’s just in his early 20′s. I’m assuming you’re young. Are you? Maybe you’re not. Maybe you’re going through menopause and you’re acting like hormonal cry baby with hot flashes, and Sam is being extra friendly since you’re the new girl. I don’t know. Maybe you and I should talk on the phone because I need more information on the situation. Nevermind, I hate talking on the phone. Don’t you dare ever call me.
Age aside, office chemistry can be tricky. You spend 8 to 10 hours a day with your co-workers, you have to look at them and talk to them and it’s just disgusting. I used to work in an office. I hated it. Everyone was interested in working, so I’d hang out in the bathroom. I’d sit on the toilet with my pants on, put my feet up on the toilet paper dispenser and think about how many people pooped and peed in there. Then I’d leave, go hang out in the supply closet, and think about supplies. If you don’t like the idea of doing what I used to do, I don’t blame you.
Back to this Sam guy. Pushy. Obnoxious. Braggy. Clueless. Wait a minute! Does he have eyes, teeth, a nose, and some shoulders? I think I might know him. He reminds me of a lot of male humans. Hmmm. Hmmm. Hmmmmm. Hmmmm. All the “m’s” in the the “Hmmmm’s” are inspiring me to write a poemmmm. Yeah, I’m gonna write a poemmmm for you and Sammmm. Sometimes poems reach the core of one’s soul in a way normal talking can’t.
Here’s what you need to do: Dress like a slutty-whore-sex pot, be sure to accidentally show some nipple. Walk up to Sam’s desk, and in a sweet yet firm voice say, “Sam, I wrote you a poem.” The second he sees you, his schlong will get long, and before he has a chance to say anything, read this poem from an 8.5 X 11 sized piece of paper
YOU’RE CREEPING ME OUT (pause, make eye contact with him)
I TRIED TO FIND ONE THING TO LIKE ABOUT YOU, I COULDN’T (pause, look away dramatically)
LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE (crumple up the paper and drop kick it across the room)
Then say, “It’s one of those poems that doesn’t rhyme” just so he knows you know how poetry works. His boner will shrivel up, and disappear at the base of his balls. Don’t ask to see it, it’ll creep you out.
What really bugs me about Sam is how he’s telling everyone in the office that he likes you. Great, not only do you have to let Sam know you’re not interested, but you have to let everyone else know. You should take care of this sooner than later. Just write an email, address it to everyone in the office, and push the magical “send all” button.
Hey, People in the Office: I don’t want to go on a date with Sam. I’d rather eat a really big bowl of shit.
Ok. Just wanted to let you know. Thank you for your time.
I Don’t Like Sam
p.s. A lot of people have pooped and peed in the bathroom and I can’t stop thinking about it.
p.p.s. I’m aware that I referenced bowel movements twice, and this is the third time.
“Send all” emails are pretty intense, so it’s understandable if you’d rather keep this between you and Sam. Try one of these three things to get rid of that dumb boy:
1. Show him your dick. (I know you don’t have a dick, but you can probably get one at a store or something)
2. Agree to go on a date with him. Tell him to meet you on the corner of 5th and Jones St. Hire a team of Super Gays to kidnap him and take him to a gay camp. You know those camps that “Pray Away the Gay?” Well, this is a camp I made up where you “Pray To Be Gay.” Hopefully he’ll come back with a gay brain, and start bothering a boy in the office. He’ll want nothing to do with you or your mystical vagina.
3. Ask him if he knows how to get rid of chlamydia, herpes, scabies, syphilis, AIDS and intestinal parasites the all natural way.
SIDE NOTE: Be sure to not combine #1 and #2, otherwise there will be big trouble.
Seriously, I just think you’re going to have to be as blunt as possible. Sometimes girls feel bad for the guy they’re rejecting, but it doesn’t do you or him any good to be nice about it– especially if you’ve already told him you aren’t interested. If you are firm and honest, and he continues to bother you, maybe let HR or your boss know that there’s a psycho in the office and their name rhymes with ‘ram’ and ‘bam.’ Hopefully there’s not a Pam working there, that would be awful if he she got fired for no reason.
Ok. Best of luck. Bye.
Featured Artist: Brian Einersen is a stand-UP comic and a cartoOnist from New Rochelle, New York. He gained worldwide recognition for spoofing Lady Gaga in a mini-comic book titled Lady Saga, which was sold at Marc Jacobs, endorsed by Perez Hilton and ignored by Lady Gaga. Brian’s website is brianeinersen.com.