Ask Amber: Three-way sex is tricky, but Amber Tozer breaks it down

By | May 16, 2012 at 1:11 pm | 6 comments | Ask Amber, feature slider | Tags: , , ,

Zzzzzzzzzzz,

WHAT? UH? Oh sorry, I fell asleep. Life is so much easier when you’re asleep.

This week’s question is brought to you by Rob Fee.

Dear, Amber:

First off, I love your stuff. Very insightful. My question is this: what are the rules of a three way? I’ve heard different theories but I wanted the OFFICIAL rules from you. Thanks!

Rob

——————

Yo, Rob:

Thanks for writing in. To be honest with you, I’ve never had a three way. The closest I’ve ever been to having one was in middle school. I used to break into my neighbors house at night to steal sugar based cereal, because my mom wouldn’t let me have it. She said it would eat holes in my brain and that’s exactly what I wanted– holes in my brain so I would have room for more information. So, I snuck into my neighbor’s house and heard some moaning and heavy breathing. I went into the bedroom and watched them have sex while I ate some sugary cereal. It was disgusting. I thought both of them were dying. I started screaming and throwing up and they kicked me out of the house. So, I’ve never had a real three way. My friends have, I’ll call and ask them about it.

First, I’ll try my dumb friend Rhonda. She’s such an idiot. She had a three way last year with two other girls, she’s not even gay. I’ll call her now.

Ring ring.

Rhonda: Hello?
Me: Hi this is Walter.
Rhonda: Amber, I know it’s you.
Me: Fuck off. I’m going by ‘Walter’ today. Hey, real quick. I need some info about that three way you had last year with those chicks. What happened?
Rhonda: Two girls were kissing at a party and I went up and gave them both a big hug.
Me: And…
Rhonda: Well, then they got annoyed and walked away.
Me: You’re a fucking idiot.
Rhonda: Ok. Bye.

Ugh. I swear to God, I have no idea why I’m friends with her. Let me try my friend, Lonnie.

Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring

Lonnie’s Voice Mail: Yo! This is Lonnie. Leave it after the beep, ya creep.
Me: LONNIE I WANNA HAVE SEX WITH YOU FOR 48 HOURS STRAIGHT. CALL ME BACK.

One second later. My phone rings: Rocky Theme Song Ringtone

Me: Hi, Bad Boy.
Lonnie: I just got your message. You want to have sex?
Me: No, I was just kidding. You’re a good friend, but you’re gross.
Lonnie: Ok. So, what do you want?
Me: I want to TALK about sex. What’s it like to have a three way? Are there any rules?
Lonnie: Well, I wouldn’t say there are rules, but I only have three ways with two other girls and I try to give them equal attention. It’s actually sort of stressful. Why are you asking?
Me: Because I’m at an orgy and I’m confused.
Lonnie: ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Me: No, I’m at Starbucks. It’s always pretty chill here. Bye.

Ok…so Rhonda’s mentally challenged and Lonnie thinks three ways are stressful. I’m gonna have to make up my own rules, or rather, ideas and rules.

Ideas for a Three Way

1. Play a game of hide and seek. Two of you find a secret place to have sex and when the third person finds you, pleasure them orally.
2. Get naked and do trust falls off the bed (see image). If one of you drops someone, blame the other person.
3. Have a push-up contest. The winner gets $5 dollars then every one fucks each other really hard.
4. Dress up like the Three Stooges and whoever Curly is, pull all of their hair out.
5. Take a bath together. If one of you have the farts it’ll be really funny.
6. Braid each others’ hair into corn rows. If you’re still attracted to each other, you guys must be really horny.
7. Role Play: Pretend you’re Hugh Hefner and have a heart attack. The girls have to bring you back to life by throwing you out the window.
8. Each of you go to a separate part of the house and make a 3-way call and get to know each other better, no phone sex allowed.
9. Watch an episode of Mad Men, check your e-mail, Facebook, Twitter and come up with a fun idea, but don’t follow through with it, then everyone stick a finger in a hole.
10. Eat snacks off of each others’ bodies, brush your teeth, then bone all night long into the next morning until one of you has to go to work and/or rehab.

Three Way Rules

1. No weapons allowed.
2. If you have to shit, do it in the bathroom or outside. Same goes for crying.

That’s it.

The End.

Peace,
Amber

Be sure to ask me questions at amber@laughspin.com!

—————————-

Featured artist: Brandon Vaughn does comedy things, he’s a good kisser, and is the co-producer of loud noises @Nerdmelt. And, he loves you. Follow him on twitter @Brandamonium

About the Author

Amber Tozer

Amber Tozer is a stand-up comic and writer living in Los Angeles. She finds human behavior both hilarious and horrifying. Follow her on Twitter @AmberTozer

  • http://www.facebook.com/sirena.gibson Sirena Gibson

    I love the realism of the three way art

  • Trawlerdude

    I think your awesome, funny shit.

  • Dave

    At first this was hard to fap to…but then I imagined it being read to me by Danny Glover and ‘boom’ the lights went out. Also, i’m out of peanut butter, dammit.

  • Irrelevant_Stories

    Wow, something just like this happened to me the other day.  I was sitting on my couch, playing with my dumb cat, and the lightbulb flickered.  It was really freaky.  Your articles aren’t funny bee-tee-dubs. 

    • Ambertozer

      Ok. I like the story about your cat. 

    • http://www.thisisat3st.com Ryan

       Wow.  Cool story, bro. 

      (Just don’t read the articles, dumbass.)