Clank crash boom,
Oh sorry, I was driving with my eyes closed.
Here’s this week’s question!
I feel crazy writing to you, but I wanted to ask you about this guy I play football with. We play for our college. Football is basically our lives and I spend a lot of time with him. He used to be OK, but now he’s a dick. He freaks out on the field and in the locker room. He just has the worst attitude. Wish it didn’t bother me so much but I feel like I might lose it on him one day.
Whoa! An athletic question! I bet you have huge muscular quads. Please send me pictures of your body, just don’t include your face. Thank you.
Ok, so you play football. I’m going to assume you’re American. You play the sport where a bunch of dudes line up, hunched over, facing each other. The quarterback has to say something like, “Huh-huh-hike!” or “Blue 42-Hike” to get the ball. I wish QB’s would do a rap and say, “Hey, gimme that ball right now/ no now/ no now wait/ now gimme that ball. Hey now, I said gimme that ball.” That’s more like a catchy hook in a platinum country song than a rap. Anyway, after the QB has the ball, (which is shaped like a big puppy turd) some other stuff happens on the field, and people care a lot about it. I hate writing about American football. It’s getting on my nerves. I wish you were a gymnast or an FBI agent.
*It would be so funny if you were Italian and you were like, “Sono italiano e calciamo la palla giù il campo. Anche, ho un un pene enorme ed amo degli spaghetti.”
Moving on. I know your problem isn’t football. Your problem is your grouchy teammate. Are you ready to explore a solution? I sure am! It’s pretty simple: the two of you need to communicate. It sounds like you resent him, but aren’t doing anything about it. The actions below will spark the proper conversations.
1. Put a glitter bomb in his locker. When he opens it, a blast of glitter will explode in his angry face. Tell him you love the way he sparkles, then release butterflies from the butterfly box you have hidden in your pants. Next, give him a kiss on his shimmering cheek, hug him, and gently sit him down on a Whoopie cushion you bought online. After the fart noise stops, he’ll slug you in the gut. The other Whoopie cushion you bought (it was 2 for 1) will be hidden under your shirt, and a second fart noise will be unleashed. Ask him how feels about what just happened.
2. When he’s pouting next to the water cooler during half-time, go up to him and hand him an armless, new born baby. He’ll be like, “WTF?” You say, “Yeah, makes ya think about life, right?” Then drink some water so you don’t get dehydrated.
3. When he’s complaining about how everyone on the team is a pussy, show him a picture of a vagina. Let him know that no one on the team looks like that, and tell him he needs to be more honest when talking about his teammates.
4. Shit in his locker and tell him you thought it was the toilet, then put on a pair of glasses on so he thinks you have bad eye sight.
5. Try to break down him down emotionally. Show him a YouTube clip of Rudy. If he doesn’t cry, kick things up a notch. Kidnap his dog, girlfriend, and mom and tell him they’re dead. If he cries, that’s great! Release the hostages and say, “Just kidding.” If he doesn’t cry, he’s either a sociopath or he has dry eye syndrome. Tell the dog, mom, and girlfriend what you know about him, then let them out of the trunk of your car. Hopefully they’ll get him the help he needs.
Ok, focus: You always have the option of talking to him about it, but don’t be mean or whiney. Maybe you can just say something like, “Hey, man. I know football is stressful, but you gotta sacrifice and stay strong.” Then quote Any Given Sunday, but don’t tell him you’re quoting it . Say, “That’s what being a leader is about. Sacrifice. The times you sacrifice because you have to lead by example, not by fear and not by self pity.” He’ll probably get really inspired– or, he’ll ask you if you’re quoting the movie. If he continues to be a grumpy cry baby don’t focus on him, and be aware of your reaction to him. Stay cool. You’re going to meet A LOT of assholes in your life; pretend this guy is asshole practice. That sounds sexy. Anyway, good luck. Stay strong. Have a good season.
Email me your questions at firstname.lastname@example.org
*Translation: “I am Italian and we kick the ball down the field. Also, I have an an enormous penis and love spaghetti.”
Featured Cartoonist: Dave Marca is a graphic designer living in Northern Colorado. He naturally gravitates towards drawing penises on things, no homo. Check him out at thefoolscorner.com.