Just getting ready to live blog the Comedy Central Roast of Roseanne/seduce a grown up D.J. Conner. Stay tuned! Be sure to keep refreshing this page for constant updates throughout the taping tonight!
7:08 pm PST
I’m upstairs in the Press Room, which up until 5 seconds ago did not have air conditioning, wifi, or alcohol. Good thing I always have Klonopin!
The red (brownish) carpet was pretty cool (despite getting snubbed by Jane Lynch). I am, in fact, majority in love with grown up D.J. Conner, but I’ll save that topic for my therapist and focus on the Roast — as soon as it starts!
7:39 pm PST
Here we go! Jane Lynch works in Chick-fil-a joke within the first 20 seconds.
And now a Roseanne montage set to the Pussy Cat Dolls…
7:54 pm PST
Jane Lynch is KILLING! Side note: fat jokes are the leading cause of awkward laughter.
7:57 pm PST
Amy Schumer is up first. She is so fucking good I can’t stand it. “Carrie Fisher, you’ve cut more lines than a crippled kid at Disneyland.”
She goes after her ex, Anthony Jeselnik – no jokes, just “facts.” Amy is my hero!
8:09 pm PST
Seth Green is up now. Ugh. I think he wrote his own jokes. He told Roseanne she tweets too much. You know who else tweets too much? Everyone.
Not sure if this is the press room booze talking, but there are so many voice actors on the dais, Jeff Ross looks almost fuckable. :-/
8:17 pm PST
It’s Katey Sagal’s turn to roast Roseanne and she looks HOT! Her tits are almost as amazing as Amy’s jokes. Katey makes a lot of comparisons between Roseanne and Peg Bundy. Good job making this about you, Katey!
8:26 pm PST
Jeff Ross fires away the second he gets up. “Give it up for your host tonight, Denis Leary.” …and now a Sandusky and a Paterno joke, respectively. Oh, and now he’s comparing Seth Green to the Aurora shooter. Holy fuck, it is hilarious.
Jeff is ON! If you didn’t know any better, you’d think he’s auditioning for his own show.
8:42 pm PST
Wayne Brady is next. He’s funny because racial stereotypes are funny. It seems Roseanne is not amused by Wayne, and at this very moment, she has never been more relatable.
Luckily, Wayne redeems himself with this gem: “Jeff Ross, Sarah Palin hates you because you remind her of what Trig will look like when he gets older.” Nice…
8:56 pm PST
Ohhhh this should be good. Carrie Fisher is up now. The gay dudes sitting in back of me are already losing their shit and she hasn’t even said a complete sentence. Or is that just how she talks?
She jokes about her troubled past. I don’t know…maybe it’s even more the the press room booze talking, but alcoholism is fucking awesome. Go Carrie!
Then Carrie Fisher shifts gears and makes a rape joke: “Anthony Jeselnik, you say what other rapists only think.”
She finishes up with a fart joke and now time for another Comedy Central darling…
9:09 pm PST
Anthony Jeselnik is so cute when he makes 9/11 jokes. Even his non 9/11 jokes feel like 9/11 jokes.
Still, I’m super into him sexually.
9:19 pm PST
It’s Ellen Barkin’s turn to do some roasting. Maybe it’s the gays sitting at the table behind me talking, but this bitch is FIERCE!
Oh, it turns out Ellen Barkin is here as Sharon Stone’s replacement, “because we all know how funny that cunt is.” I don’t really know much about Ellen Barkin, other than she’s my new favorite person.
9:25 pm PST
A SURPRISE GUEST JUST CAME OUT! WHOA…
Okay, not hard to guess the surprise guest – it’s Tom Arnold…and his overactive sweat glands.
This is the first time they’ve been in the same room in 18 years. He plays it safe, makes a jab at her twitter feed, and ends on a sweet note. Meh.
9:42 pm PST
Oh, this is fun. The first Becky and D.J. Conner are now up on stage. Have I mentioned I’m super into grown up D.J.? We had a moment outside. More on that later – with my therapist.
The girl who played Becky announces she’s on her period and hands Carrie Fisher her used tampon. Great moment. Both the kids are quick and funny, and maybe my favorite part of the roast thus far.
Hmmm I guess the actress who played Darlene couldn’t be here tonight because she’s busy with “The Talk” jklol
9:47 pm PST
Alright, time to sober up. Gilbert Gottfried time…
Something about pubes in the microphones? Something about R2 D2? Something about my ear drums bursting?
He is going after Roseanne, calling her Rosilla. Oh, it is frightening and hilarious. He is now on a tangent on munamies and getting his endorsement deal back. Awesome. Now a racist Japanese accent that’s so funny I am most definitely going to make this my ring tone after the show airs.
Something about a throbbing colon?
“And if all else fails, remember good people, blame it on the Jews — and now for some jokes.” And Gilbert does just that. He tells some fucking incredible jokes. Roseanne is laughing hard — as is everyone else.
Up next: Roseanne. Yay!
10:08 pm PST
She goes into a pseduo campagin speech, yelling “OBAMA WILL GET MY WEED WHEN HE PRIES IT OUT OF MY COLD DEAD FINGERS!” Roseanne reads her rebuttal off the teleprompter. I’ll share a few of my favorite jokes:
To Jane Lynch: “I guess I’d be thin too if all I ever ate was pussy.” Yeah, I know…but Roseanne’s delivery makes it special. Plus, fuck skinny women!
Roseanne says Jeselnik’s name wrong 3 times and not on purpose. She really has no idea who he is.
To Gilbert Gottfried: “Do you know the difference between Gilbert’s voice and a sandpaper dildo? After 20 minutes you might start enjoying the dildo.”
Roseanne adds that burying her hatred for Tom Arnold gives hope for world peace. Okay, sure. I’m tired.
And, of fucking course, she closes by singing the National Anthem.
No doubt about it, I’m officially sober.
And that’s it for the Comedy Central Roast of Roseanne. Thank you so much for reading the live blog and stuff!
Oh wow. The mics are still after the show ended. As everyone on the dais makes nice with one another, we can hear Roseanne and Katey talking about their new husbands. They sound like a couple of OC Housewives. Oh, now mic’s are off. And so am I!