As a father of two, I can attest to the gross number of pointless new parenting books published each year. But here’s the deal: new parents are so fucking scared of damaging their kids either psychologically or physically or both, that even the most cynical to-be moms and dads fall victim to the pop-science spewed all over the pages of those well-marketed tomes.
But comedian, writer and father of two Julian Kross has struck back against those fluffy things. In what is described as “The book that is barely about pregnancy, never reassuring, seldom informative, consistently rude, and completely and totally honest about what mothers and fathers-to-be have gotten themselves into” his gift to the parenting world What You Didn’t Expect When You Got Knocked Up is a new, much-needed breed of preg-and-parent-prep. And we’re lucky to have a few excerpts from the e-book, which you can (and should) purchase on Amazon or iTunes. Let’s take a glance, shall we?
Julian on writing a book about pregnancy:
Eight years ago my wife informed me we were having our first child. Immediately thereafter our bedroom became filled with books supposedly filled with facts on pregnancy, child rearing, and the changes that were about to occur in our lives. Most of them would end up tossed across the room as the wife pointed out their problems and inconsistencies, rather loudly towards the side of my resting head.
“What the hell do my religious beliefs have to do with my due date?”
“Positive energy is not going to help relieve my gas, but I do feel pretty positive about farting on your book.”
“Where’s the book that explains how I’m supposed to fit my fat ass behind my steering wheel?
That’s the one that got me. Where’s the book that’s honest? Why hasn’t anyone written a book that explains things the way people actually speak instead of using phrases like “embarking on a fulfilling journey of life¬long joy?” Why hasn’t anyone written a book that admits a lot of the things that are going to happen to you are going to suck?
It’s coming. That special day when the crazy train reaches full speed and you spend your days gaining nutrients by ingesting cream pies and the happiness of others. You’re going to enjoy crushing your mate’s soul with vicious intent. Later, you will sob for hours about how badly you’re being treated, during a massage. Crazy comes naturally to a pregnant woman. Take notes guys, there’s nothing you can do to stop it, but it makes for great apology sex for years after the kid is born.
Emotions run high during pregnancy. The first time, I was my wife’s only outlet so I suffered the brunt of most of her rage. The next time, we had building contractors and insurance adjusters to deal with. I have to admit that if I hadn’t knocked her up again, we would not have gotten the quality construction we ended up with at that house.
Fun at the OB/GYN office:
Your doctor’s visits are the outline to how you deal with your preg¬nancy, and it all starts with the first one. Our first trip to the doctor set the precedent for how we were going to deal with everything that was happen¬ing. We were going to make ourselves feel better by making other people uncomfortable.
We were sitting on a couch in the lobby of the OB/GYN office early on a Monday morning. The room started to fill up with women in vari¬ous stages of pregnancy and a few more in various stages of preparation for death. When two uptight old bitches had stared at us just long enough, my wife took her cue. She stared deep into her magazine and loudly said, “I can’t believe you did this to me, you asshole.”
Without turning my head, and still reading my own magazine, I in¬stantly replied, “Should have kept your knees closed, whore.” When Old Bitch #1 gasped, and Old Bitch #2 braced herself in the chair, it became clear their disappointment was official. So why stop there?
My wife slammed her magazine down in her lap and turned in her seat towards me. “How dare you call the mother of your unborn child a whore!” she yelled.
Still calmly staring into my reading material, and desperately trying to hold back my laughter, I turned a page and said, “You’re right, dear, we’ll determine if you’re a whore when the doc finishes his tests. Until then, I love you.”
On post-partum depression:
As your doctor will tell you, most women get a little depressed a few days after the baby is born, and the depression usually fades in less than two weeks. What they don’t tell you is just how incredibly nuts this time can be. Anything can be sad. Anything. Ice cream, puppies, balloons, oral sex, and electric car windows can all set off a crying jag that may last for hours. What’s worse is that just as there is no way to tell what might set it off, there is also no way to tell what will fix it.
I was once very sympathetic over my wife’s breakdown over a broken (unplugged) vacuum cleaner. She was very appreciative and back to her old self within a couple minutes. A few days later I was just as sympathetic over the fact that her favorite TV show wasn’t on when she wanted it to be, and I got told to go shit in my hat.
A breakdown in the grocery store once forced me to angrily tell my wife to knock it the fuck off so we could get home and she immediately got herself together and thanked me for bringing her back to reality. Another day I slightly raised my voice to ask why she was kicking her car, and I got punched in the neck.