Happy Valentine’s Day, Laughspinners! Honestly we have little to say about this completely made-up, consumer-based holiday centered around the idea that love is a bankable commodity. Luckily, however, one of our favorite comedians, Anthony Jeselnik totally hearts this day. And to prove it, he’s offering you eight different ways for you to show the one you love how much you care– whether by citing suicide statistics, forcing you to imagine your parents boning or by invoking Shakespeare’s famous star-crossed lovers Romeo and Juliet. The point is, you have options. The other point is that Jeselnik’s new show, The Jeselnik Offensive premieres Feb. 19 at 10:30 pm ET on Comedy Central.