I chatted with veteran comedian and former Full House star Bob Saget recently because his new album and DVD That’s What I’m Talkin’ About is now available for consumption. And, by the way, you should buy it if you want to treat yourself to an hour of R-rated humor, dirty songs and laughs without strings attached. Like his live shows and albums, a Bob Saget interview is a delightful stream-of-consciousness barrage of fun. It’s less of an “interview” and more of a casual chat with an old friend— that is, if said old friend slides into tangents about creating a crown-of-thorns for his penis and being forced to look at iPhone photos of girlfriends giving their boyfriends blowjobs. The point is this, Laughspinners: Bob Saget is a force of nature and he can’t be stopped, so I didn’t try to. Enjoy.
How are you, Bob Saget?
You’ve got one of those names where it just makes sense to call you by both names. Bob Saget.
Yeah it’s really weird. Little kids look at me and go, ‘Hi, Bob Saget.’ It sounds like I did something wrong.
So, Bob Saget, you have a lot coals in the fire, as it were.
I’ve got a lot to do and I must do them. I have this book to finish for HarperCollins. I’ve been spending about a year-and-a-half on it so far and it’s all coming to a flourish now so I’m finishing it to make delivery and I’m excited about it. The book is about where my comedy came from – and a lot of it came from losing two sisters and a lot of uncool things – people dying, and then it goes into people like Richard Pryor and Rodney Dangerfield, who I actually spoke at his funeral. It’s a very interesting book. I don’t have a title for it yet. But it’s at HarperCollins, which, by the way, is a very attractive company.
Well, you fit right in there. You’re a tall handsome man, Bob Saget.
You’re very kind. I didn’t see a lot of tall people there. I think the guys were tall and there might have been one tall woman, I didn’t look, because when it’s a really tall woman I don’t keep my eyes up there…
You got to look down ‘cause its level with my eyes…
If a woman is like 7’5” and she’s upset that I’m yelling at her chest — well that doesn’t sound right, I wouldn’t be yelling at her chest; that mean’s I’d be yelling at her eyes so then I go to her chest to yell at it — but I don’t think I’d ever yell at a chest, unless it really wasn’t listening to me. I hate to be ignored by a chest.
Sure, we all do. So, I want to hear a little bit more about the book, actually. Is it kind of written through or is it essays or is it like a proper memoir> What’s the situation?
It’s a lot of riffing. I don’t want to be too specific about it because I actually have to keep a little lid on it a little bit until I go on this whole press tour. And it’s not done, so that’s the other problem. So it can morph and change more, but it definitely is not a traditional publication. I guess it’s a little bit Aristocrats-like. I flow like that as I talk, so it’s a lot of transcribing, there’s not a ghostwriter on this. And it’s somewhat sincere. I’m loving writing the book, but I’m also concentrating on the stand-up.
Right. You’re new album and DVD is excellent. I really enjoyed it.
I listen to all sorts of comedy. I don’t believe in just listening to one type of comedy. And the type of comedy you do, is the type I go to when I just want to have a laugh, when I don’t want to think too hard about anything. The fact that you take pride in dick jokes, I appreciate it. And you have fun with the crowd.
Thank you. That is exactly what I’m doing, I’m just trying to entertain them, and have fun myself for that time. The other thing is, I don’t like to have moments where I keep doing the same jokes verbatim. I can’t do anything more than twice the same way when it comes to stand-up. I do some of the concepts again. And sometimes I’ll try out material and it’s like, cut to blinking eyes… and then I’ll tell it to somebody and they’ll say yeah, it’s funny but it’s not your style.
Which doesn’t make me want to go, ‘Um, you know, so I severed my penis accidentally today,’ which is just somehow always entertaining. ‘I cut my penis really badly on my ex-girlfriend’s grandmother’s glasses.’ Like, how did that circumstance even happen? ‘Well you won’t believe it. She wears glasses and I didn’t know and I didn’t have my glasses on.’ That’s how my comedy writing goes sometimes— I start something and I really don’t know where it’s going but it finds itself and everything just kind of makes sense and it feels like it’s done by design but it wasn’t. It was by the nature of just trusting. But otherwise it’s not like I wake up one morning and go, ‘I’m going to write nine dick jokes today!’ But I think it’s very good to use your penis as a reference in jokes. Better than using your penis to hurt people.
No, you should never do that.
And anyway, it’s very hard to use it hurt people, the only way to do it would be to put like a crown of thorns on it.
One thing is, you’d be defiling it which doesn’t seem right to do because its disrespectful, and the other thing is you could really hurt somebody.
Or yourself, Bob.
Yeah, I guess,. But if you have the right insulation around the crown of thorns…
Oh I see, you’ve thought this out.
And then if you smack somebody with it – if you’re able to even do that – you can hurt them. It’s like a Brillo pad attack with little staples…
I was just trying to figure out how I would make one. If I had to do a secret class, you know, on how to make a crown of thorns for my penis I would take a little bit of Brillo and some staples and you lace them, and you just kind of make it a little ring…
I haven’t lost you, have I?
No, no. I was actually going to ask you what would you put around your penis to protect yourself?
I would use black rubber tape, you know? Electrical tape. I would put a thin layer — you’d have to cut it in half to do it very thin — but it would be the protector of the ring. The only danger would be it wouldn’t last very long if you were using it in any kind of physical behavior. It’s going to move from its place of safety. So, you were right originally, it’s a pointless topic, because you’re going to get hurt. That won’t be in the book. I’m hoping you keep it out of your article.
God, no. I’m going to keep it in because once it’s published I want your fans to try to actually construct what you just described.
See, I don’t want them to do that. A lot of my stand-up now is a Just Say No campaign. It really is, ‘Don’t do this. I want to be clear that they should not do what I just described. I’ll talk about stuff onstage but that doesn’t mean I like seeing it. I like to make people laugh with stuff you’re not supposed to say or think – it’s a very nine-years-old type of thing — but I also don’t want people to act out on it. I’ve had fans come up to me and say, ‘Look at this picture of my breakfast.’ They’ll show me a picture on their phone and it’ll be poop. They think that I want to be grossed out because they’ve seen me say gross stuff — what they think is gross comedy — and then I’m like, ‘I don’t know why you’re showing me this, it really does make me sick.’
I don’t know why they think I’m that person. I dropped 200 F-bombs in my last special, but I don’t think that qualifies me for, ‘Hey, here’s a picture of my girlfriend spread eagle.’ Like it’s real nice of you to show me your girlfriend… ‘Oh no she’s right here, dude look.’ And then she comes over and goes, ‘Yeah is he showing you that picture?’ And then you see her at a show and she goes, ‘Remember me? I was the girl that had his penis in my mouth.’ And I’m like, ‘Well, okay it was good to see you again,’ but why would you even say that? I mean I wouldn’t want to date her afterwards. I already I can’t get the image out of where her mouth has been to begin with. It’s exhausting.
I understand. That would be exhausting for me as well.
That’s the girl you want to give the crown-of-thorn birth control to.
See this, that doesn’t end well, that should not have been brought back. None of this is in the book or the special. This is just our conversation.
Yeah this is exclusive Bob Saget shit right here.
Yeah this is really stuff that should not be said. I’m really sorry.
After our chat ends, what will you do?
I’m going to work out. Got to get body moving quickly. And at night I like to leap from roof to roof to make sure my neighborhood is safe. But, no. I’m going to write, I’m going to do a workout and then I’m going to write for about five hours and then I have a dinner meeting. I’m so low key and I just work all the time. That’s basically my life.
What does a Bob Saget workout entail?
There is an elliptical involved… a Jew on the elliptical, works every body part and then you could do some stationary bike. I will do some lifting today– not a lot, and I’m also torn if I’m going to go do some Pilates. I have a Pilates machine so I might do some stretching. I’m planning a one-hour workout. I’m not like Russell Crowe on Twitter where he tells you how many bicep curls he did. He’s cut like a monster; he really is in incredible shape. He tells you how many reps he’s done and that’s great, but I’m just trying to do enough crunches so a lady in her 30s or 40s will still date me.
Are you not dating someone now, Bob Saget?
I am a single man. I am single. I’m very enjoying my single life right now. I find it very free.
I wanted to ask about How I Met Your Mother, which is in its ninth and final season. And you’re the narrator on that show. A lot of people have been wondering if the narrator will show up on screen in the last season. Do you know how that’s going to pan out?
I don’t imagine it’s happening. The people that make that show are so smart, and I like them so much. It was all an accident that I ended up on the show. They called and said would you want to voice this guy Josh Radnor and I said, ‘Wouldn’t he want to do it?’ And they said, ‘No, we want it to be an older voice version of him.’ And then I did it and now this year, I’ve actually become friends with Josh Radnor; we like each other a lot so we go out, go to dinner, talk about our mothers. But I don’t know what’s going to happen this season, I do know some of the format of the season that we aren’t supposed to talk about.
Well, Bob Saget, I’m glad everything is going really well for you.
Yeah it really is actually. And I’m looking forward to going further, because it’s really fun. I’m feeling very appreciative. I don’t really feel like I’ve done anything yet. I’m an inspired comic right now. I’m looking forward to what hasn’t even begun for me.