Editor’s note: Award winning Irish comedian Dylan Moran announced the second leg of his North American tour Yeah, Yeah, which kicks off tonight in Los Angeles and hits Milwaukee, Minneapolis, Cleveland, Pittsburgh, Austin, Dallas, Atlanta, Charlotte and Raleigh. Go here for tickets. Below is an essay titled Trends Developing from the comedian himself. Enjoy.
New fashions for the age of climate change:
After Heroin Chic, Hipsterism, Austerity Dressdown we now come to the next key chapter in the twenty first century handbook of human ornament – Apocalyptic Chic.
The look is bold, not to say stark, confrontational and feral -yet softened with elements of humorous biohazard. A skirt of see-through plastic filled with saltwater oil slick is wittily accessorised with the heads of dead seabirds as zip fasteners fore and aft.
The jacket is woven from the jet black twigs of scorched olive trees – think Gaza, think Greece, think a silk and Kevlar mix vest underneath or you’ll fling yourself off a bridge to escape the itching.
We all know Uggs are as over as shoulder pads but what about hand stitched white tiger vaginas? Talk about kitten heels. Nothing says Mraaarrrw! like these cosy-toe pussies.
New Foolproof Diets:
We’ve tried fasting and high octane exercise – they work. The pounds fall away, you feel light, energised and pleasingly insane. But so what? They’re not new. For on-trend eating, 2013 is all about the intense combination of high carb intake and threatening situations.
Blitz-blend your adrenaline and sugar rushes by snacking on a donut as you sprint into oncoming freeway traffic.
Carabonara never tasted so good as when you eat it naked in front of a riled pit bull straining on a fraying leash inches from your BBQ sauce glazed genitalia. The metabolic rate goes into overdrive as the average fattie fools their body into believing it is seconds away from becoming a fear -flavoured doggy treat. Mmmm!..taste that ham!!! Dare you to clean the bowl.
New Must See Movies:
A single tracking shot of a fiercely intense ninety minutes at an unspecified government intelligence agency.
At no point in the film is the audience allowed to understand anything, that’s how serious the situation has become. Lots of phone whispering and minute facial response acting as athletic wonks tap nervously in front of laptop screens. The script bristles with hyper-tense exchanges such as the following:
“Doug, you better take a look at this. I mean now.”
“Can I finish my sushi?”
“Jeez, O.K. Karen, what is it..Oh my God.” (Medium intensity lip-nibble)
‘That’s what I’m saying…”
“But..OH my GOD..(Really going at it, chewing his lower lip like it’s calamari)
‘I mean.. (Switching rapidly between lips) God.
“Tell Erik to bring up the intel on the Mumblesby-Norb cluster hub.”
“Doug, that’s, like, superclassified, off the charts redacted, we unhappened that shit as soon as it went down – which it didn’t.”
“Who cares?!-have you seen what we’re looking at here!? We’re about to be plunged into a tank of blowback so toxic your grandkids will need sneeze shields. Get Erik, Goddammit!’ (Lustfully biting into his discarded Nori roll, she watches him stride down a long corridor, snapping at the lips of anyone passing.)