Guest essay by comedian Dylan Moran: Trends Developing

By | October 14, 2013 at 3:44 pm | 6 comments | feature slider, Features, News | Tags:

Editor’s note: Award winning Irish comedian Dylan Moran announced the second leg of his North American tour Yeah, Yeah, which kicks off tonight in Los Angeles and hits Milwaukee, Minneapolis, Cleveland, Pittsburgh, Austin, Dallas, Atlanta, Charlotte and Raleigh. Go here for tickets.  Below is an essay titled Trends Developing from the comedian himself. Enjoy.

——————————

New fashions for the age of climate change:
After Heroin Chic, Hipsterism, Austerity Dressdown we now come to the next key chapter in the twenty first century handbook of human ornament – Apocalyptic Chic.

The look is bold, not to say stark, confrontational and feral -yet softened with elements of humorous biohazard. A skirt of see-through plastic filled with saltwater oil slick is wittily accessorised with the heads of dead seabirds as zip fasteners fore and aft.

The jacket is woven from the jet black twigs of scorched olive trees – think Gaza, think Greece, think a silk and Kevlar mix vest underneath or you’ll fling yourself off a bridge to escape the itching.

We all know Uggs are as over as shoulder pads but what about hand stitched white tiger vaginas? Talk about kitten heels. Nothing says Mraaarrrw! like these cosy-toe pussies.

New Foolproof Diets:
We’ve tried fasting and high octane exercise – they work. The pounds fall away, you feel light, energised and pleasingly insane. But so what? They’re not new. For on-trend eating, 2013 is all about the intense combination of high carb intake and threatening situations.

Blitz-blend your adrenaline and sugar rushes by snacking on a donut as you sprint into oncoming freeway traffic.

Carabonara never tasted so good as when you eat it naked in front of a riled pit bull straining on a fraying leash inches from your BBQ sauce glazed genitalia. The metabolic rate goes into overdrive as the average fattie fools their body into believing it is seconds away from becoming a fear -flavoured doggy treat. Mmmm!..taste that ham!!! Dare you to clean the bowl.

New Must See Movies:
“Crisis”

A single tracking shot of a fiercely intense ninety minutes at an unspecified government intelligence agency.

At no point in the film is the audience allowed to understand anything, that’s how serious the situation has become. Lots of phone whispering and minute facial response acting as athletic wonks tap nervously in front of laptop screens. The script bristles with hyper-tense exchanges such as the following:

“Doug, you better take a look at this. I mean now.”

“Can I finish my sushi?”

“Now, Doug.”

“Jeez, O.K. Karen, what is it..Oh my God.” (Medium intensity lip-nibble)

‘That’s what I’m saying…”

“But..OH my GOD..(Really going at it, chewing his lower lip like it’s calamari)

“Yup.”

‘I mean.. (Switching rapidly between lips) God.

“Tell Erik to bring up the intel on the Mumblesby-Norb cluster hub.”

“Doug, that’s, like, superclassified, off the charts redacted, we unhappened that shit as soon as it went down – which it didn’t.”

“Who cares?!-have you seen what we’re looking at here!? We’re about to be plunged into a tank of blowback so toxic your grandkids will need sneeze shields. Get Erik, Goddammit!’  (Lustfully biting into his discarded Nori roll, she watches him stride down a long corridor, snapping at the lips of anyone passing.)

Be sure to subscribe to the weekly Laughspin Podcast on iTunes or on SoundCloud for all the latest comedy news, audio clips and more! Listen to the most recent episode below!

About the Author

Dylan Moran

Regarded internationally as the premier comedian of his generation, Dylan Moran is a comedic force on stage and screen. His BAFTA Award-winning UK series, Black Books, is now available on Netflix, and Dylan starred in the hugely popular films Shaun of the Dead, Run Fatboy Run and Notting Hill. He recently filmed Calvary alongside Brendan Gleeson and Chris O’Dowd.

  • Uldrid

    James Courtney, or “The Big Man” as his co-workers called him, was sweating profusely as he pulled on his stolen NASA Space Propulsion uniform. His hand clutched tightly on the fake ID badge he had prepared two weeks earlier. This was no game. This was serious. He finally reached the pressure-sealed door. Tapping the memorized code quickly, he heard the hiss of air as the door swung open. There it lay.The Discontinued Space Shuttle Conversion.

    The halogen lights gleamed off its white exterior. James squinted as he admired the
    gracious curves of America’s space exploration icon. To get in was easy. To get out, James knew not. But nothing could stop him from entering now, not even himself. He crippled inside like a satanic infantarnish.

    MASSACRED WALLABIES.

    They filled the various compartments to the ceiling so contagiously, that James had
    to wade through the blood-clotted Spack Spanner whiskers all by himself. The
    Tesco slogan Copenhagened through his mind. For the first time in his life,
    James could not smell his own beetroot relish; the stench of the dead
    Australian primates completely overwhelmed his multiple nasal pathways.

    “Fuck me! Is this a party?”

    As if to answer his cryptic clues, James found that NASA had installed a 17” Subwoofer into the side of a wallaby’s head. It was indeed a party. James began to dance. His fat rolls bounced among the many animals he now thought of as his friends. Was NASA Asian backwards? That was the only question he had asked himself for eight years, because James couldn’t think.

  • hallo

    Dylan Moran is mediocre, his work is mediocre, black books was, really, mediocre, whoever wrote he is the premiere comedian of his generation is a moron, as is s/he who published it

    • jHannah Christiansen

      Maybe you didn’t get it. People have different types of humour. I think Dylan’s great.

  • http://www.spacerobotspodcast.com/ Ben Hall

    Dylan Moran just makes me happy. Simple as that. Anydoodle, maybe you want to check out our great new comedy podcast, Space Robots. What?! You might want to check it out. F*ck you. I’m sorry, you’re cool. I didn’t mean it. We just talk about the craziest sh*t on the Internet. Redneck UFO sightings, Charlie Sheen’s cryptozoological excursions to Alaska, all that kind of stuff. It’s great!

    http://www.spacerobotspodcast.com/

    OR

    https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/space-robots/id684990506

  • Sam

    More like Moron

  • EDBF

    More Moran.