Comedian, former pornstar Alia Janine: 5 ways comedians and pornstars are the same

By | October 22, 2014 at 8:05 pm | 5 comments | Features, Opinion, TV/Movies | Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

I’ve been asked many times why comics and pornstars seem to get along so well. There’s many reasons that when you’re at a comedy show in Los Angeles the chances you may see one of your favorite fuck flick stars are pretty good. If there’s a huge porn party, there will be comics present, guaranteed. Think about how many comics have jokes about porn, or how many porn parodies there are of comedies (Bob’s Boners, anyone?). It’s not just because porn stars love comedy, or that comics love porn, or that you have to have a sense of humor to be in both porn and comedy, but because these two groups actually have a lot more in common than the average observer knows. Here’s a list of five of things that comics and pornstars have in common.

1. Everyone thinks they can do it.
If I had a dollar for every time I have heard, “I could totally be a pornstar,” or “I could totally be a comedian,” I would totally have a decent amount of cash in my pocket. Let me clear this up right now to avoid any confusion. No, you probably fucking couldn’t. Every time a guy puffs out his chest and tells me he could be a pornstar, I can’t help but to hysterically laugh in his face. The average male could not keep hard for 4-6 hours on an average shoot, let alone getting hard and soft throughout a 12-hour day on a feature movie set, and then cum on demand. I won’t even get into how close a dude’s dick is to another dude’s dick during a double penetration scene, or how he’d likely have to jack off in a room full of dudes for a gang bang or a bukkake. Half of the girls that think they can do it end up drinking the enema instead of cleaning out their bunghole with it, or end up quitting only after a few scenes because it’s really hard work, and the competition is fierce. There’s a reason adult industry members call non-adult industry members “civilians.”

When it comes to stand-up comedy, most people forget that it’s not just about being funny and telling jokes. You actually have to get up and talk to a room full of people, which happens to be one of the greatest fears of pretty much every living person on Earth. Plus, the stories or jokes you tell a couple of your friends in a bar will most likely not work in an actual comedy show. I have taken a couple comedy classes in New York, and I have seen every “funny person” that you would think would do well just crumble once they get on stage. Sometimes it’s because of stage fright, and sometimes it’s because of their egos. It takes years of practice to find your voice. Let me put it to you this way, you can Google me and find any number of pictures where you can literally see inside of me, and I still get stage fright. So settle down, funny people.

2. “Issues”
Let’s face it. In today’s world everyone, has “issues.” What used to be considered “normal” is almost extinct. Hell, my mother and I think one of my uncles is a serial killer, and it’s not even the uncle that used to get paid to kill people for a biker gang. I can go on for days about where my issues came from, but that’s perhaps for another essay. How we were raised affects every person throughout his or her entire life. Maybe your parents got divorced, mommy drank too much, daddy hit too hard, uncle Johnny liked to touch your special spot, daddy lost his job, mommy left daddy, maybe grandpa’s just an asshole.

Then there’s the personal demons that stem from our childhood experiences like alcohol and drug abuse, depression, overactive sex drives, abusive tendencies, and on and on. We all have issues, and we all have skeletons in our closet. How we deal with those issues is part of what makes us who we are. Comics and pornstars tend to have very similar childhoods, but comics choose to use comedy to express themselves and pornstars choose sex. Neither is the right or wrong way; it’s just how that person is wired. And then there’s also many comics and pornstars that have had “normal” childhoods, but still chose their professions. The two groups just tend to click; they get each other.

3. Status on the entertainment food chain
When it comes to the entertainment food chain, some pornstars and comics happen to be on the same level– that is, they’re struggling. When living in LA, it’s not hard to find pornstars in comedy sketches, or even comics in porn flicks. Granted, most comics in porn are just background actors, but there are a few that have ventured into performing. Jennifer Tisdale and Dave Smith are two that I can think of off the top of my head. Then there are the few pornstars that do stand-up comedy. Ron Jeremy, Evan Stone, Kurt Lockwood and Alexa Aimes have all dabbled in stand-up. Although, I’m proud to say I’m the first and only pornstar to quit porn and do stand-up full time– but there are more of my kind, oh yes, there are. Pornstars and comics also love using whatever miniscule “mainstream” credits they have to boost their low standing on the food chain. I’m completely guilty using all of mine. But I mean, come on, you can totally see my back in a Spike Jonez film. I’m just saying…

Jim Norton, Jenna Jameson, Dave Attell, Evan Stone

4. The desperate need for attention
If there is anything a pornstar or comic wants besides shitloads of money, it’s attention. They want people to see what they do and love and appreciate it. They will go to extreme levels to impress and/or shock their onlookers to get the attention they need. This stems from those aforementioned “issues.” Good or bad attention, most don’t care as long as someone is talking about them. The best way to measure the neediness of a pornstar or comic (or anyone, really) is to follow them on social media. Some pornstar and comic egos are fragile things, and they need to be constantly fed. Others just get off or get a rush from performing, and like a drug they want more. Either way, they all love the attention.

5. Travel, travel, travel
One of the perks of being a pornstar or comic is that we get to travel, sometimes all over the world. Now, that may sound glamorous, and sometimes it can be, but for the most part it down right sucks. Most pornstars (if they’re smart) feature dance at strip clubs all over the country, exactly how comics perform at different comedy clubs across this nation. When traveling to either a strip or comedy club, that club will either pay for your flight or give you traveling money. Seems fine, right? But, the actual lodging is where it gets tricky. Most places will put you up in a motel close to the club, but others have a “model/feature house,” or the “comic house.” These places can rank up there with roach infested crack houses.

Week after week pornstars, feature dancers and comics flood these houses leaving their mark for the next. It’s a fact that girls are gross, sometimes even grosser than guys. Between the hairballs in the sink to tampons clogging the toilets, girls are just gross. Male comics are not the neatest in the bunch either, and they like to play practical jokes on one another. From farting on someone’s pillow, to the classic shaving cream and feather gag to wake up someone who passed out is common practice in these places. Yes, of course (some of) these places have maids and cleaning services, but can you really just wash a pillow case when someone farts on the entire pillow? That pillowcase will never be the same. In the end, the life of a traveling comic or pornstar can greatly test your patience and your living standards.

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About the Author

Alia Janine

Alia was born and raised in Milwaukee, but currently lives between New York City and Los Angeles. For the past 10 years Alia has been an adult entertainment performer, exploring all facets of the adult industry. Alia can also be seen in music videos, cable and regular television shows, YouTube comedy skits, featured films, books, and so much more. She debuted in the adult film industry in February 2009 with “Mamazon” and has since appeared in more than 150 scenes for most of the biggest companies in the business. She has been nominated for multiple adult industry awards for her work. Alia is retired from performing in adult films she is currently working on her podcast, The Scatterbrains Podcast which is apart of her new network The Misfits Network, as well as, her long awaited career as a professional comedian.

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  • Darby O’ Gill

    “It’s a fact that girls are gross, sometimes even grosser than guys.” Girls who think this is true, and I’ve heard it before, have no fucking clue just how disgusting men are. Women do not come close, sorry.

    • dylan

      back in college i had a summer job cleaning the bathrooms of both men and ladies rooms. women are far more gross than men– at least in that capacity.

  • Darby O’ Gill

    Yeah.. being a porn star must be extremely challenging…

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