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Star-A-Scopes with Dan Cummins: Like horoscopes but with purposely bad advice — Oct. 24 – 30

Star-A-Scopes with Dan Cummins: Like horoscopes but with purposely bad advice — Oct. 24 – 30

By | October 24, 2011 at 5:48 pm | 2 comments

Aries: I hope you like Bailey’s Irish Cream this week, because you’re gonna run through two cases of it by Thursday. Why? Because on Tuesday, an old school series of double dog challenges will go way to far, and you have more pride than intelligence. Luckily, you’ll never...

Posted in: feature slider, Features

Star-A-Scopes with Dan Cummins: Like horoscopes but with more John Stamos — Oct. 10 – Oct. 16

Star-A-Scopes with Dan Cummins: Like horoscopes but with more John Stamos — Oct. 10 – Oct. 16

By | October 11, 2011 at 1:26 pm | No comments

Aries: Congratulations! This week you’re going to be Arsenio Hall! Your lucky color is mauve. Taurus: Like riding bulls? Not so much? Well tough shit, Taurus! Sometimes the bull needs to ride the bull. This week you’re going to be forced to join a local rodeo circuit,...

Posted in: feature slider, Features

Star-A-Scopes with Dan Cummins: Like horoscopes but ridiculous on purpose — Oct. 3 – Oct. 9

Star-A-Scopes with Dan Cummins: Like horoscopes but ridiculous on purpose — Oct. 3 – Oct. 9

By | October 3, 2011 at 12:58 pm | No comments

Aries: Two thousand salamanders are going to crawl up through your pipes and into your bath tub early Friday morning. Together, in perfect harmony, they are going to sing the greatest rendition of “Swing Low, Sweet Chariot” the world has ever heard. You’ll weep. Mostly...

Posted in: feature slider, Features

Star-A-Scopes: Like horoscopes, but more accurate — Sept. 26 – Oct. 2

Star-A-Scopes: Like horoscopes, but more accurate — Sept. 26 – Oct. 2

By | September 26, 2011 at 12:38 pm | No comments

Aries: The Aries sign has something to do with rams, so, this week I think it’s important for you to find and kill a real ram, and then wear the carcass of its head as a hat for the entire weekend, ESPECIALLY on Saturday night. Get ready, you’re about to make some new and...

Posted in: feature slider, Features, Opinion

Star-A-Scopes: Like horoscopes, but more accurate — Aug. 22-28

Star-A-Scopes: Like horoscopes, but more accurate — Aug. 22-28

By | August 22, 2011 at 10:37 am | No comments

Aries: In the past, you haven’t been the biggest fan of candy corn. This week, it’s all your going to want to eat. You’re going to have a lot of energy early in the week, because candy corn is basically pure sugar. This weekend, you’re going to be tired, have a lot of...

Posted in: feature slider, Features

Star-A-Scopes: Like horoscopes, but more accurate — Aug. 15 – 21

Star-A-Scopes: Like horoscopes, but more accurate — Aug. 15 – 21

By | August 15, 2011 at 11:14 am | No comments

Aries: This week you’re going to organize and lead a covert military operation aimed at completely dismantling the IRS. It’s not going to feel right, but, trust me, all of these people need to die. They chose to work for an unjust, oppressive unconstitutional affront to the...

Posted in: Features, Opinion

Star-A-Scopes: Like horoscopes but more accurate — Aug. 8 – 14

Star-A-Scopes: Like horoscopes but more accurate — Aug. 8 – 14

By | August 8, 2011 at 12:17 pm | No comments

Aries: Hey, you know how you like whistling that solo from that Scorpion’s song, “Winds of Change?” This week I want you to work on never doing that again. It’s really fucking annoying. Your lucky element is Paladium. Taurus: This week I want you to fly like an eagle....

Posted in: Features, Opinion

Star-A-Scopes: Like horoscopes, but more accurate — Aug. 1 – Aug. 7

Star-A-Scopes: Like horoscopes, but more accurate — Aug. 1 – Aug. 7

By | August 1, 2011 at 9:49 am | No comments

Aries: Adam Sandler is going to offer you a lead role in his new movie. Turn it down. I still want the time back I spent watching the trailer for Grown Ups. And, you’re not going crazy, Rob Schneider really has been following you. He’s hoping to piggyback his way onto the...

Posted in: Features, Opinion

Star-A-Scopes: Like horoscopes, but more accurate

Star-A-Scopes: Like horoscopes, but more accurate

By | May 30, 2011 at 2:01 pm | No comments

[/caption] It's time Punchline Magazine provides a valuable service to its readers-- beyond, of course, offering you the latest in comedy news and interviews. So, obviously, that means we're going to give you a weekly dose of astrology. And by "we," I mean comedian Dan...

Posted in: Features

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