One of our favorite comedians, Dan Cummins, is set to release his third album, Hear This, on Oct. 23. Suffice it to say, we're fucking stoked-- and if you've heard or seen his past work -- Revenge is Near and Crazy with a Capital F -- you're excited as well. And thanks to our...
Aries: Time for some financial advice, Aries. Apply for every credit card you can this week, and, as soon as you get ‘em, max ‘em out with no thought of paying them back with fun purchases of stuff like a new iPad, a Mustang convertible, and a cotton candy machine. Then,...
Aries: You’re headed to Africa this week! Yay!! Get ready for three large men to put a bag over your head, gag and bind you, throw you in the back of a van, and then stuff you in a thermal sleeping bag to prepare you for a trip across the Atlantic in the bottom of a cargo...
Aries: Exciting!! You’re Stephen Baldwin this week - now act like it! Film an amazing movie, then, slowly but surely kill your career by steadily becoming a right wing nut job radio host who ends up suing Kevin Costner over oil-separating technology used in the BP oil spill...
Aries: Careful driving this week Aries, I’m pretty sure someone is going to cut your brake line. Or plant a car bomb under your hood. Or carjack you. Or jump the curb at an intersection and bounce you off the windshield. Or break into your house, drag you from your bed, tie...
Aries: Don’t let on, but, right now, Christie Brinkley is hiding in your crawl space. She’s scared. She’s convinced that Billy Joel wants to kill her. Whatever you do, DO NOT play anything off of River of Dreams. She painted that cover, and, in her current mental state,...
Aries: Really? “Nobody” can beat you at Monopoly? Bet your life that you'll win your next game, and place a gun and one bullet next to Free Parking. That’s what I thought. Stop exaggerating this week. Your lucky ethnic stereotype is the large-breasted old Russian peasant...
Aries: Buy a 1983 Robin Egg Blue Chevrolet Citation, drop a V8 Chrysler Hemi 5.7 L under the hood, wear a turtleneck and thick glasses, and get ready to make a small, illegal fortune on the underground street race circuit. No one will see this coming, except, of course, for...
Aries: Burt Reynolds will knock on your neighbor’s door sometime this week, and drop off a dozen roses. Why is this important? Those roses were meant for you. That’s right, Burt “Cannonball Run” Reynolds' 76 year-old heart still has Casanova blood beating through it,...
