Aries: You can’t break your mom’s back by stepping on a crack, but, this week you learn the hard way that you can break it by focusing so much on avoiding stepping on cracks that you inadvertently bump into her and knock her down a flight of metal stairs. Your unlucky...
Aries: Jeremy Piven is going to finger blast a member of your inner circle sometime before this weekend. Even worse, he’s not going to ask their permission. He’s going to talk ‘em into skinny dipping in his bad ass infinity pool, do the old, “Hey, what’s that?”...
Aries: Richard Gere is tired of the gerbil references. First off, it’s not true. Second, even if it was true, one crazy, private night with a gerbil isn’t anyone’s business other than Richard's, the gerbil and whoever helped the gerbil up the illegal, anal gerbil sex tube....
Aries: Alternate every 15 minutes between drinking lots of coffee laced with laxatives, and washing big chunks of cheese down with Pepto Bismol. You need to toughen up, and a week of this daily 9 to 5 regiment should do the trick. Taurus: Don’t wear hats this week. They...
Aries: I’ve been listening to a lot of 90s semi-underground hip hop lately. Mostly Gang Starr and Mos Def. Not sure what that has to do with Aries, but, this week, I want you to find out. And, eat a lot of cheese before you go to bed each night. It’ll help take the edge off...
Aries:: A gypsy woman might steal your soul on Wednesday. OR, it’s going to be unusually warm and sunny. Your new word is abhorrent. You are abhorrent to me. Taurus: Love is the most intoxicating drug in the world, especially combined with ecstasy and hallucinogenic...
Aries:: It’s important to focus on family this week-- other people’s families, real and on television. Watch every episode of Family Ties, All in the Family, and the Partridge Family you can find from right now until Friday at 5 pm. Then, take what you’ve learned, walk...
Aries: On Tuesday, I want you to stop paying taxes. Like, forever. I’m curious to see how well this works out for you before I try it. Oh, and I almost forgot - a samurai is going to step out of a time machine on Saturday, crack open a can of whoop ass, and lay some serious...
Aries: On Thursday, at dawn, you’re going to literally shit yourself to death. Or, you'll have the most powerful orgasm of your life and see the face of God. It’s a cosmic coin toss. Taurus: Don’t look anyone in the eye this week unless you want to turn to stone. You...
